This family image was taken by Maile Wilson on 8/31. Posted about here. This is probably my favorite family image from our time with her, because I just love how Jeff is looking at us. And how candid it is. And how brown we all are. And my hair looks pretty rad, which is always nice. This photo wraps us up pretty nicely, even Mckenna – slightly on the outside but happier there, away from our noise.
So, August.
I am so late to class for August.
After an emotional/hard/draining July, August came quiet and thoughtful.
You really have to go through pain before you can move into a new phase, a new place in your head or your heart. So often I am scared of that pain, afraid it will overwhelm me – ruin my life or my day. I hide from it, avoid it, make poor choices in order to stay numb to it. When I do that, the pain just takes hold. It moves in like a wasp’s nest, constantly buzzing about my head. Something you know you have to deal with, but are afraid to because you don’t want to get stung. I am learning more and more that accepting those feelings and letting myself feel them is the way I want to go.
When you give yourself permission to feel what you feel, it is giving yourself permission to be who you really are. There is a peace in that, and a sincerity that feeds you.
It is the best way that I know to take care of myself.
A lot of the pain I was in had to do with Mckenna. A lot of the pain had to do with the kids growing up. A lot of the pain was personal. I felt it. I got through it. I wanted something more.
This process has changed the inside of me. And I like it.
I have realized how completely in charge I am of how my life works. You always kind of know this, I mean, no one is cooking dinner and editing photos but me. But you also kind of think that someone else is going to come along and take care of things for you. Our core need is to be taken care of. For the first time, I truly feel in charge. Like an adult. I can do whatever I want, I can make my life whatever I want it to be. I am fiercely protective of how I spend my time. I want most to spend it with the people who live in my house. I am realizing I don’t have to live my life like everyone else, just because it’s “what you do”. Because of ‘shoulds’ or ideas that no one even questions. Most people don’t even understand why they believe what they believe. It is just what they do, what their parents did, what their neighbors do as well. They don’t want to be challenged, they just keep plodding along. I want to learn and understand about the choices I make. I want to learn and understand about my children. I want to learn and understand more about the world.
But back to the point. August. August was welcomed. In August we settled into the routine of Summer and enjoyed every last second we had left. I feel like I really got to live like the mom I want to be. I took the last two weeks of it off, and spent every moment that I could with the kids and with Jeff. The boys enjoyed surf camp. We enjoyed the beach. We spent time with family, and with friends near and far. My sister gave me massages. We lazed around the house in pajamas. We took many trips to the library. We found a new sushi place. We finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy. We went to the pool at night. We debated what we would name our goldfish, if we ever got another one. We were peer pressured by the kids into buying a furry animal, but we said no. We used up our Wild Rivers passes. These kids love the wave pool. We went on dates with friends. We also Got Stuff Done, like eye exams and immunizations and cleaning up the garage. Anna now wears glasses. Drew only needs his for school. Jeff can now park in the garage. We made decisions about Mckenna, who is doing really well. We hired more help. We dreaded school starting again.
We are refining our life. We are making it better.
Bring on the homework.
xo
Tara
as always, thank you for letting us peek into your world. i love this image. and i’m so excited to see you back. <3
That “I am in charge of how my life works” is a revelation–the thought that can come in moment and change it all. It’s trying to sort through why you do what you do and figure out what other options there might be to choose that keeps me reeling.
So happy that you are finding your own rhythm. Love the photo.
Love you.
Lovely photo of your family! I miss your photos from your client sessions ;-)
Thank you for this. I love it. :)
Your words are perfect. I love and miss you. xo B
this was such an inspiring post. i love when you can be reel with yourself, and with others. its such a beautiful thing.
xX :-)
YES. More and more I’m learning the same about figuring out what works best for you, and not just doing things because everyone thinks you should. I feel like it’s truly part of becoming a real adult (which not everyone becomes, I find). Cheers to opening up to what the world has to teach us. <3
I really love this family photo, but I love the post even more. I can completely relate and it was almost like reading my own thoughts. As I sit here reading this all I could do was shake my head (yes, yes I completely understand) It’s so refreshing to be in a new place. Best wishes to you and your family.
Absolutely love this shot.
I love the way you powerfully write. It is natural to you. Thank you…and I hate to think that Obama could take away the long summer vacations…i hope this doesn’t happen as it is the time to recharge, it is when the best memories are built…
xoxo
bliss! love this. and your hair looks FAB
I love reading your blog. I’m always inspired to do better, be better, and learn more about my world.
you always will and continue to, be.
it keeps me “be-ing”.
thank u.
Love this shot!
I need to do this. I have lots of self portraits of me and my son, but we need family pics of all three of us. Maybe I will learn to set up a tripod. you inspire me so much.
Mmmm. This is good, T. Real good.
I love your blog. Simple as that.
I love this, everything about it!
So glad you are back. In your new, whole, honest, amazing, real
way. You were missed. Breathe, deeply. All we have is the attempt, and the attempt is sometimes painful.
I like it that your back. Are you back? Hope so.
as always, thanks for the honesty and refreshing point of view. I too am tired of doing “what I’m supposed to do.” I too really like the people under my roof. I think we will start dancing to our own music…
You inspire me to do the same for myself.
I think you should write a book. You really have a knack for expressing yourself in the purest, simplest way. Love it. Great pic, great hair… and you look fantastically thin! Next post should be about your weight loss tips!!
I wish I could articulate as well as you do the process of being a mother. I identify with each phase you describe and the searching for the internal strengths (that is not easy at all) Thank you, I hope to find courage in your story and to find my voice in the written word. (I am all talk!)
Loving this and enjoying the heartfelt smile!
back in full force I see. that sounds like a pretty amazing august you had. looking forward to more
I think you just might be my hero…
Yay a picture! I love beach hair. So glad your computer is back up and running.
thank you for this post. your candidness always helps me in my own journey; & helps me to embrace myself as I am. and this posting of yours is actually well-timed to my own life, and hit me hard… but in a good way. thank you for your words. thank you for your honesty.
*love* Simply Beautiful, Simply you xo
xox
I eat up every word of these kind of posts– when you change and discover. I want to come along for the ride so badly. But I’ll have my own changes here in my state.
Love it, love it, thank you.
Big smiles here in Sydney, Australia.
Loves x
i love this post – your process of refining your life + living it how you want. that has been a very big quest of my husband, scott, + i over the past 2 years.
for us, it came about when our wedding was upon us. i wanted to respect wishes of my parents + i obviously realized it was as much for them as for us, but i also kept questioning the whole way through – why do i have to do this? is this important to us? will this create joy? is this worth the money? and with family pressures, it’s tougher than i thought it would be!
then we continued this process as we started to think about starting a family – what type of life we want + getting ourselves in a place to have children.
we recently suspended, then canceled our cable television. we both became vegetarians. i made some big career changes + refined my goals. i talk about it as dismantling parts of my life, then reconstructing them as i want it. it’s empowering! good for you!
love the pic
LOve your hair
Love this post—-you are a beautiful woman and i just adore your honesty and how real you are
can’t wait to see you again and introduce you to my sweet and fiesty girl
xxxxcarrie-anne
Ahh Tara, if you weren’t such an Awesome Photographer, you should’ve been a writer. You have such a sweet, gentle and honest way of “getting down to it.” It’s not always pretty, but your courage in sharing the core of yourself is way beyond pretty. You are so not afraid to know yourself, well, maybe a little, but that’s where your heart/courage kicks in. I’m proud of how you are taking care of You . . . . even if you didn’t share it all in words, I think we’d probably see the growth (spiritual) in your photos. Even if we never meet, I am so glad for the world that there is someone like you in it <3
By the way, Your Hair really Rocked in this picture, as well as your beautiful, sweet smile :)))
Wow…I really REALLY love this photo. It tells so much.
you have the best beach hair ever. and ofcourse a most beautiful family!
I can’t believe how much you echoed my thoughts in this post. I have just realised that I don’t need others to push me to do the things I want to do, I can just do it myself. I feel like I’ve been waiting for someone to take care of me and yeah, I just realised that is not going to happen! I can just DO what I want, I don’t need approval from anyone else. Glad you enjoyed your August so much.
ah tara… you sound like you’re in a better, more peaceful place. this is good… :) blessings…
I just want to say “Thank You.” You talking about your issues helps me remember that I’m not the only one, and that its hard to work through them, but in the end it will be worth it. Thank you for being real.
giving yourself permission to feel what you feel is giving yourself permission to be who you really are. wow. that really hit. as always thanks for sharing you. I’m glad that things are settling into a more peaceful rhythm.
oh p.s. lol. The family photo is AMAZING. It’s so perfect it almost looks choreographed, but of course it could never be so choreographed so perfectly.
Adoring you.
you are simply amazing…
LOVE [[love]] your words! THis could have been me 20 years ago [I’m a bit older than you] and agree it’s part of really growing up – deciding what you want and what you belive and not just accepting what you’ve been told. And making your choices even if they make some [extended] people unhappy. We’re really only reponsible for our own happiness afterall. I’ve already put your ‘magic’ insight on a scrapbook page and I’m thinking this one is heading there too —Glad your ‘back’ and that things are more settled for you!
completely love this photo:)
it is my favorite of all your family shots so far!
Ahh Tara, I am so so happy for you. I need to read and re-read you post. You are so right on and I need to learn how to live this way. It seems so logical, but it’s so hard to do.
You really are an inspiration to me, thank you!
Good for you for figuring out all ready you don’t have to live your life like everyone else! It’s been a constant process for me and my family to continually support our unique beliefs in so many ways! Different is more than just good… Love your monthly posts and photos. Thank you!