personal project \\ six people twelve times \\ 07.10

July is going to be pretty hard to talk about, seeing as how I can hardly remember what happened now. What day is it again?

It was the coldest July we have had in southern California in 100 years. I am not complaining.

We took a vacation, but we didn’t go very far. (This photo was taken on the ground of the Orange County fair, after all of us took a turn in a photo booth.) I remember reading in a magazine years ago, about a great way to save money while going on vacation. The people in the article – they called it a “Staycation” and spent time at home and in their city acting like tourists. It was the perfect fit for us homebodies who live in an area full of things to do. We thought it would be perfect for Mckenna, who doesn’t like flying or traveling. And it forced us to get out and do the things we have always said we would do. Like rent a boat, see a play in Balboa Park, go to the local water park, spend a day in Mission Beach, take the kids to a concert, do a food crawl at the OC Fair…

All in all the week we spent together was full of good memories, but it really brought to the forefront something else that is hard to talk about. Mckenna. I don’t often talk about how hard it is to parent a child like her. I choose to focus on the good things, and each good thing is such a celebration that it is easy not to tell the whole truth about our life with her.


Mckenna doesn’t like doing things. Mckenna doesn’t like to be in, what are to her, stressful out of the norm situations. Like vacations. Mckenna would be happiest alone in our house, with no noise except for the noise she creates. With full control of what she wants to eat and when, what she wants to do and when, and the remote control. Her natural tendencies lean toward an isolated hermit in the middle of nowhere. With a Target for dollar stop shopping. That is always empty, except for one cashier and her. Because of this, Mckenna tends to impede on the sense of ease and fun during a vacation, and what really became clear to me on this one is that we need help. What really became clear to me on this one is that my burning desire to have my family unit always together, may be actually tearing us apart.

Now that the younger three have surpassed her emotionally, we are in this impossible place. Parents to a child like Mckenna, but also parents to three typical children like Drew, Nathan, and Anna. They both need us equally as desperately. And as I stare, slightly stubbornly, down the barrel of parenting an adult with special needs, and the rest of my life, I start panicking. I don’t know what this is supposed to look like. I don’t know if I can do this. I certainly know I don’t want to be doing it alone anymore. It isn’t fair to the rest of them. I focus so much of my mothering time and energy on Mckenna, and the rest of them are so easy in comparison, that they get the last bits of me. The tired worn down please just make this easy for me bits of me. I don’t want that for them. Yet, I don’t know how to make a safe place for all of them, while giving each of them what they need. I have thought for so long that I can handle this. That I can be this mother to all of them. That I can make Mckenna happy or healed all while giving the others everything they need. And I can’t. I am feeling my limits crash into me all the while fighting them.

The confusing thing with Mckenna is that there are moments of astonishing peace and joy for her, like when she sat at the front of the boat like a mermaid statue and smiled for an hour as the ocean splashed her face and the boat bobbed in the water, or when we walked out of the Train concert and she said she loved concerts and the next one she wanted to go to was Alicia Keys. Those are the moments that hold me over through the bad ones and make me sane, but they also tease me into believing that she can have MORE moments like that, if only I try harder. If only I give more. If only I fix her.

And I can’t. She is not “fix-able”. Whatever good moments she has, are most likely nothing to do with me. Just like whatever bad moments she has, are most likely nothing to do with me. They just are. They just exist for whatever reason the synapses in her brain allow them to exist in that moment. She is unexplainable and impossible to solve. Mckenna is not free. She is locked up and hidden from me most of her days and most of her life. Those moments that I cling to are few and far between, and yet I kill myself everyday to try and get more of them.

What I saw on our staycation broke my heart. I saw the five us of, wanting desperately to have the kind of time “normal” families can have, time to be free, and failing. And in that failing, feeling completely broken down in moments when she was broken down. And guilty for feeling that way. The flow of the vacation stops and everyone has to stop being who they are, to fit into the box Mckenna needs in order to function and feel less stressed. We are good at it. They are better – they have been doing it all of their lives. I saw my other three children sick to death of people staring at us, the curious public the unintended paparazzi of our outings. Usually our outings are broken up – we spend a lot of time at home in between recuperating. But with several days outside linked together, the staring and the issues involved became overwhelming. Everyone stares. Not just children. Adults, groups of people, will whisper and point and think I don’t notice. I just want to be invisible. For me, getting stared at is especially hard. I think Anna hates it almost as much as me. Mckenna is the only one who doesn’t notice. She thankfully doesn’t have to feel that pain, but the rest of us do.

One of the reasons I fight my limits is because unless we are all together, I feel like we are not experiencing things to the fullest. If Mckenna stays home, I feel weird, off kilter, and guilty. I know that even if there are three hours of hell, she may have one second of bliss in whatever we are doing, and how can I deny her that? This is how we have ALWAYS operated. “Ohana means family – nobody gets left behind!” It is an idea Jeff and I have always had – and our family has flourished in it a lot of the time. But things are changing. Like I said – the other three have surpassed her emotionally. A lot of families have that, with older children and maybe a surprise younger sibling. But it isn’t like having a younger sibling who is a toddler. Because Kenna will never grow out of this. I don’t want them to grow up resenting us, or her, for what we did when we thought it was what needed to be done.

And so I am here, trying to figure out the best way possible to go forward for our family. Thinking of Mckenna. Of Drew, Nate, and Anna. Thinking of Jeff and I. How can we make this new time in our lives work in the way it has worked in the past? Maybe that means getting daily in home help. Maybe that means bringing an aide along with us to care for Mckenna so that we can focus more on the other three. Maybe that means leaving her at home while we do the things “normal” families get to do, with no one staring at us, and not having to mold into herĀ  box, just getting to be free of the locked up parts of her brain for awhile. I know for certain, it means dropping a lot of the preconceived notions I have had for her life and ours.

I am scared. I am uncertain. I am tired. I have cried a lot this month. I wish more than anything for my family to be able to be together, all the time. But what I want even more is for each of them to get exactly what they need from me.

And yet, there are so many reasons for us to be at ease, and happy, and there is a sweet escape in that. We are in love, so in love. We have this great big family. They mean everything to us. We like who they are. It is summertime, and we have no major responsibilities. We get to take them to basketball camp and surf camp and horse camp. We get to watch them explore the ocean in a boat, their chins hardly poking out above life jackets. We get moments of extreme lucidity from Mckenna, where she asks us how to smile. We get to hold hands and scream out songs we sing together in our car, outside at a live concert with twinkling lights and cell phones held up in the sky. We get to nudge to the front of the crowd to show Anna the newborn piglets and listen to her squeal just like them. We get to stay up late in our hotel room, and have a midnight dinner at Denny’s. We get to enjoy possibly one of the last summer’s that Drew will really want to spend time with us instead of his friends. We get to watch him spread his wings. We get to float on our backs in the pool, while holding hands with Nathan, staring up at the clouds. We get to cuddle him at night, because he asks every single night for one of us to cuddle him. We get to plant strawberry plants together in wooden containers in the backyard.

We get to simmer in the life we have made for ourselves, with all the good and bad.

We are the only ones who fully understand what it is like to live with Mckenna. We have each other to lean on. And most of the time, that is enough.



Join the Conversation


  1. I sobbed reading this post. You are a stranger to me,,except for what you share on your blog. Yet, I feel I know you and your lovely family. Tara, one mom to another, you are a beautiful mother.. to each of those great kids. It is normal for us to doubt ourselves. Trust your instincts and continue to show your children what an amazing mother looks like, what love looks like and smile.

  2. what a beautiful post. beautifully written, and so full of wise insights I wanted to copy paste the whole thing.

    what a beautiful family. how beautiful that you really, really know it.

    Just discovered you and will add you to my blog roll. look forward to many more

  3. It isn’t defeat to reach out for help – anyone who works with Mckenna will be blessed by her and she by them – I have been amazed at the precious people who have worked with my son over the years, and we have all been made better because of them. I am struggling with very similar issues with him this past year, so I understand and empathize with you very much.

  4. Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences so honestly. I am the parent of a daughter who lives life on the autism spectrum – and your words hit home so powerfully and touched me so much, because I can identify so completely. It’s not something that can be ‘fixed’. It just is. As mothers, the best we can do is to love our children unconditionally, and keep moving forward one day at a time. I don’t have any answers, and I don’t share the eloquence of your other readers, but I do extend my thoughts and prayers and best wishes.

  5. Tara, it will all work out. You seem like (from knowing you on your blog) a wonderful mom just trying to do the right thing. I empathize w/your situation, having a son w/autism. One thing that really has helped him (and I said I’d never do it) is medication. I tried every natural and behavioral therapy I could. It is a scary thing, a personal choice, but it has helped him in many ways. We are now able to take him to a restaurant wo/him having major problems where everyone stared at us. It used to cause me anxiety. I always think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That one day, after all of this hardship things will be better…easier. I hold on to that and plug along. My situation is different than yours. I would not feel guilty about hiring a caregiver. It sounds like it would make McKenna happy to be home w/one. Plus, you could have a peaceful moment out w/the other 3 who need ‘normal’ family time. Sorry this is so long. My thoughts and understanding are with you and your family.

  6. I read this post a few days ago and have come back to comment several times, and have left several times while I pondered what I wanted to write. There are so many lovely words in your comment box, that I’m not sure it helps to add another to the pile. But your post has been bouncing around in my head all week and I couldn’t resist just leaving something here for you to read. I am one of four, none of us special needs, but all of us special in our own ways. Some of us were studious and some serious. Some required therapy sessions and some didn’t. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like for you, but it seems like perhaps it would help to think of this as what it is like to have four unique, beautiful, wonderful children. Try try try to not worry about the future and see if you can think about this as what each of your unique family members need at this point in their lives. Perhaps right now you need assistance of some kind, perhaps later you won’t. Eventually you’ll probably find the perfect balance for your family. I know what McKenna is going through isn’t a phase, but for the rest of you, you’ll always be growing and changing. If it’s hard for them to go on outings with McKenna now, maybe when they’re older, it won’t be! Though you can predict McKenna’s emotional future, there’s no telling what lies ahead for your family as you continue to grow together as a unit. All four of your kids are lucky and blessed to have you as their mother! Best wishes as you work through this.

  7. Im not sure i should write as i dont think it will be read as i see soooo many posts. But hey its just as much for me as it is for you.

    I hear you LOUD and Clear I have a 13yr old son and we are facing the same dilemma.

    It just isn’t fun anymore to include him in our family holidays, he is more settled and happier at home or visiting his nans where he has security as well. He needs the familiar the comfortable and the reliable. we are beginning to realise maybe we need to holiday without him, we have done the staycation for years now and tried to stay at home as much as possible, but now its to the detriment of the other 2 kids as they are bored and over the simple things my 13yr old Joshua likes to do, Josh would happilly do the same thing day after day.

    It is soo incredibly difficult and we often as a family do things seperatly not together as we should, it effects the marriage the family and everyone in it.

    I’m exhausted and depleted how much more can we do and how many compromises do we need to make to make this family work in some sort of way.
    It feels disfunctional and not right to exclude him but he and we are not happy as he melts down in one way or another because he cant do what he wants to do when he wants to do it?

    Everyday is exhausting but also rewarding we love him to the moon and back but i find parenting him the most exhausting task i have ever had from getting dressed in the morning to eating dinner at night its all an experience we have to get through.

    love my children to the moon and back and just want to do what is “right” but like you we are still trying to find out exactly what that is.

    Good luck

    Mette x

  8. You are so wonderful, Tara. You are a gift to your children just as they are each unique gifts to you. My family is sooo different than yours. I have one son, and he will always be my only child. But like you I’m a mom who is doing my best, worrying all the while. Another mother out there is going to read this and be helped SO much. Bless you.

  9. Oh Tara, my heart really goes out to you and Jeff. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult the day in and day out is for you. You guys have done such a great job with Mckenna and the other three too, especially holding down demanding jobs. I’m so happy that you guys have had all the experiences and great memories with the kids this summer! Down the road, the good times you have had this summer will be the times that you remember the most and the kids will never forget it! All the kids, especially Mckenna, are blessed to have parents like you that love and care for them so deeply. I love you all so much!

  10. tara, i have goosebumps reading your entry. thank you for being vulnerable and sharing such a deep part of yourself. I can sense the profound love that you feel for your family…it’s amazing. Your sharing will help others. It sounds like there are a lot of choices for you to try…one day at a time. xo

  11. Tara thank you for sharing that. i can’t imagine what it took to write that post but I’m so thankful you did. it struck a chord with me on many levels and I hope I too can find the courage to write something for myself– if only as an acknowledgment of my feelings, as a release. I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  12. Thank you so much for posting this Tara. While I wish you weren’t not struggling, it is a huge relief and comfort to know that I am not alone. I too have four children, and my oldest has special needs. And while his diagnosis is completely different then what your sweet Mckenna is challenged with, the implications for our family and the guilt, frustration and resulting tears are similar. We hit rock bottom this summer, and are trying to dig our way out. In the process we have come to many of the same conclusions you have: it’s time to realize we need to adjust our ideas of how our family functions, to hire help, and to make myself more available to our other children who deserve much much much more of me then they get.

    Here’s to hoping the coming months brings peace to both of our families …


  13. Your writing often gives me goosebumps. These “Six People” posts ALWAYS.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. Saying you’re “brave” sounds pathetic, so instead, I’ll just wish you more of the days of peace you’re hoping for with McKenna.

  14. Wow, that is an amazing story, I love your honesty and your kids are lucky to have you! It sounds so hard and yet, you know what you are doing even though you are scared, you are plugging ahead and problem solving. You are amazing.

  15. you are not alone!!!! All of my family lives in the south. I am lucky if I am able to travel to see them every five years are so. Our biggest family vacation is to Maryland where we take our son the hospital. It is hard BUT we too have to find things around us every day that we CAN do… that he CAN do. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

  16. Tara, whilst I have no words of advice for you – and I KNOW thats not what you are looking for – I can say wow. Wow cos u make me realise that people live amazing lives. People – like you are sent to this earth to teach others about life and living it. I love your amazing real life and “take it as it is” attitude. I am with you.


  17. From one complete stranger to another – as a parent I can say, McKenna is truely lucky to have you as a parent. Through your words, your love for her is more than evident and thankfully you have a wonderful husband and close family that will make a decision for what’s best for your whole family. And a decision made in that love you have will be the right one, one for which you should never feel guilty.

  18. My husband and his 1st wife adopted at birth a baby girl who had been abandoned by her mother. She is now 25 years old. She has cerebral palsy which in her case means she has the intellectual capacity of about a three year old for most things. She is not as challenging as how you have described McKenna.
    It is very very hard.
    Things got even harder when she became an adolescent, right around the age McKenna is now. This was around the time I met my husband. The special school she had gone to could no longer help her. She got really, really difficult. My husband and his wife had ended their marriage some years before; a lot of the strife between them was related to disagreement over how to deal with their disabled daughter. Once they parted his 1st wife played virtually no role in her life, so my husband was de facto a single parent. They had other children, and she basically moved on as if the oldest child didn’t exist.
    I used to judge her for that, but once I married my husband and his daughter became my daughter, I realized that, well, it was a lot more difficult and complex than I could ever have known.
    She also became an issue in our marriage, but I was able to recognize that early enough and forestalled it becoming a serious problem.
    And now, how do we cope? When it comes to outings, vacations, etc., she often comes along. Sometimes she causes a scene. Sometimes we take an aide along with us. Sometimes she still causes a scene. Sometimes she gets left at home. She hates that. It’s never perfect. We feel guilty. We do the best we can. Life’s not perfect. There’s no changing that.
    I am terrified of what will happen if/when my husband is no longer around. I cannot bear the thought of she being MY sole responsibility. But I have to consider that that might be my lot in life.
    There’s so much more I could share about all this but of course you’ve heard from others.
    Just know that IT IS HARD. And that you are not alone. These are crosses that many others bear. I wish I could be more anodyne about the whole thing. It’s really scary.

  19. I’ve never commented on your page before, but you’ve brought me to tears. Thank you very much for sharing your story. Your love for each other will lift you up and help you on this journey.

  20. I read this post last night and had so much I wanted to say so I “slept on it”. Today, still so much to say…as many other commenters before me. I greatly admire your authenticity. It’s what has kept me coming back to your blog. I am a stepmother of 3…no children of my own…so I can’t relate firsthand to your struggles with McKenna, but my God, how I can relate to your struggles of just being. So many similarities to me and my life. Right now I am trying to find the courage…and more importantly, the self-acceptance…to lay it all down like you did. To accept and love myself, and not be concerned about how I’m perceived…trying to realize that MY opinion and knowledge of myself is what matters. Gosh, I could go on and on. Last thing: when others say their truth, it gives me the courage…in some ways “permission”…to do it as well. I am extremely grateful for sharing yourself and your truth with me. To me, you shine. Rock on!

  21. Tara, my heart goes out to you. I too have a daughter with special needs and although hers are not as special as your daughter’s I can completely understand where you are coming from. Coming to terms with how you need to go forward is the hardest thing, but as you say, you have to look at what is best for all of you. My daughter is off to boarding school in September – I am dreading it and feel that I am letting her down, yet it should be the best place for her to go as they can deal with her needs in a way that I can’t. BUT, I am her mum, so it should be me and that is the feeling I have got to come to terms with. I am not letting her down, I am doing what is best and that is how you to should look at your situation. Easy for me to say I know, as I am finding it hard to accept this myself. All I can say is I wish you everything that you wish yourself and my thoughts will be with you.

  22. “Those are the moments that hold me over through the bad ones and make me sane, but they also tease me into believing that she can have MORE moments like that, if only I try harder. If only I give more. If only I fix her.”

    My daughter just moved in (permanently) with her father to finish out her final 3 years of high school. Because I tried harder. I gave SO much more. AND I JUST CAN’T FIX HER. and it breaks my heart. When I see other parents interacting with their daughters in the way I believe it should be. I cry. Its not fair. I hate THIS! And now, finally I have had to give up.

    And I can finally breathe! Im not bracing for the event that is sure to come anymore! Its been about 3 months now, and I am so filled with peace and calm. It was the right decision. She is happier WITH ME (when we visit one another) .. though we still have our moments. But we finally have a chance to enjoy each other without all the pain and screaming that has defined our lives since she was 3.

    It will be ok. Thanks for putting it out there. I would love to be able to tell my bloggers, but my commentators are tilted more on the ” how could you” side. So in my minds eye…. you just spoke for me. Thank you.

  23. I’m sure I might be repeating what other people have said, but from what you show the world you are a WONDERFUL mother and your children all seem to be so well balanced and HAPPY! One of the best things I can tell you is to find other mom’s who are doing what you are doing, or have done it. This social society that people complain about is really a wonderful thing. I’m not in your shoes I have two children neither have special needs, I do how ever have a husband with MS, I know its way different. But we do have to adjust the things that we do because he can’t do everything, if we want to go to travel we have to have all the extra help from the airlines and then there are all the meds he needs. We can’t be in the heat for long, and it does challengel me, because I am the planner! And when we go out people stair because he’s 29 and is using a cane or is in a motorized cart. And I can relate to that and it sucks. But we do have a support group that involves all of us, because our children will have to learn to deal and help josh with this too! Back to my point its wonderful to have friends that know exactly what we are going threw and have already done it and can give us ideas of how to deal or make changes! And you living in a much bigger city I’m sure you can find lots of other mommies that can relate or have done what you are doing and can share their stories with you! Keep up all your hard work it does pay off :)

  24. I didn’t even try to read the other comments, but I really wanted to say something. I have 5 kids, and none of them have any diagnosed problems. Although I do have a son who has some major issues. I feel like I spend most of my life walking on eggshells to make sure he stays happy for everyone else’s sake, in the meantime the other kids get the brunt, A LOT.

    I also feel like if we are going somewhere, I want us all to be together. I hate taking my kids to the mall, but I hate going by myself when I know my whole family is at home. I have had to work long and hard, and I now realize it is not hurting my son when he chooses to stay home. He really finds no joy in watching eating at the foodcourt, having to walk through all the stores, and just dealing with the mall drama. He is much happier at home.

    I thought you were so brave to put it all out there, and I like you even more for it now. My secret dream is to someday be able to have you photograph my fam when we are on vacation in Newport.

    From what I see and read, you are an amazing mom. Some things are hard to let go of, but I think it will also help you to know that I get stares also, and I don’t have an excuse. I just have a son who can’t control himself sometimes. No matter how hard I try to teach him. I hope someday it will click (he’s almost 12).

    Keep fighting the fight, do what you know is right. Include her when she wants to be, but let her stay in her happy home world also. I think it will all work out.

    You probably hate getting advice from random strangers, so sorry if you do. I will leave by saying you are amazing, and one of my favorite people to follow. You lead a great life!

  25. Tons of comments, someone’s probably already said this or something like it, but just in case…you are right! Get help! I grew up in a family with an older sister who was mentally and physically handicapped. Her problems stemmed from a case of meningitis when she was a baby. The disease damaged her brain beyond repair. How you are handling Mckenna right now seems a million times better than how my parents handled their parenting nightmare, but one thing I know, to my core, is that my parents needed help. Like you said, an aide, a special sitter…whatever. Mckenna will still have her moments of lucidity and her breakthroughs and those moments might not happen with you if you have help, but your other kids need you. The stress of caring for my older sister tore my family apart. As you can imagine, there is a lot more to my family’s story — families like ours get complicated. Keeping my sister at home but having someone around to help would have been the best solution for all of us. If you can make it happen, do it.

    I LOVE your honesty. Thanks for being real! Keep us up to date.

  26. I subscribed to your blog maybe a year or so ago for your fantastic images. I have stayed just to read about this immense, REAL, love you have for your family, it’s amazing. Thank you, seriously. Lots of hugs and love to you and your family :)

  27. I’m not sure how I can add anything that someone hasn’t already said but to say thank you. Thank you for your honesty, it helps us other parents. It truly does in being honest with where our children are and the struggles we have in accepting that. Thank you.

  28. Oh Tara. You make me love you even more…..meeting you at the Seattle workshop (you were our surprise guest), just such a realness you put off. I am so glad you’re sharing because I know that there are so many behind you supporting you. Just know that.

    I’m a photographer…but also an occupational therapist (and mom)….I wish I could be there in your area to give you some regular/consistent help with resources and time to just have an understanding person around to help.


  29. I just want you to know you are NOT alone! Our oldest (9, boy) is special needs. I struggle with wanting to do things as a family, and what that means for everyone else in the family to have to “deal with”. I struggle with what the other kids (3 of them) miss out on because all attention is on him. I feel guilty for them, wondering if they are really ok with what happens when we leave the house and his behavior is out of control, and the fun gets cut short. I feel guilty if he misses out on things the rest of us do without him. I have no magic solution, but giving the other children some family time without him does help and done a few times a year, it’s a nice “break” from the constant focus on him. I hope you find a happy medium for YOUR family!

  30. Tara, you are so brave. I’m crying as I write this because I, too, am completely overwhelmed and feeling alone. My house is a wreck. My kids get part of me. My husband even less. I feel broken. Thank you for being so honest. I am blessed by your heart and openness. May God have grace on us all.

  31. I know this post is months old, and that others have left comments that say so much, but I thought perhaps you had room for one more. You said, here and in your post about last Halloween, that Drew is starting to want to be with his friends more, and that you know you need to let him do that. He has grown and matured and things have changed and will change. But you know this, and slthough there will be a Drew-sized hole whenever he is not with the rest of you, it is natural and good. You will always miss him, but you can’t keep him with you forever. Perhaps you can look at Mckenna’s life through that lens. Her needs – and those of the other five of you – have changed and will change. Just as it is important for Drew’s growth for him to separate from you at times, perhaps it is important for Mckenna as well. … Thank you for this post. Both of my siblings have sons on the autism spectrum and my heart goes out to them and to you for all the extra effort you give and all the extra challenges you face as parents. What lucky children you have.

  32. Thank you for your honesty. As a mom to a special needs kid, I hear you. I understand your pain. And I hope that you find the balance you need for both yourself and your partner and all of your children. Your children will be better people out in the world because of being McKenna’s sibling. I wish you well.

  33. I realize this is an older post and you might not actually see this comment, but as a sibling to a special needs brother, I can assure you: we turn out just fine. Just a brief moment, here and there, of being present is enough.

  34. De-lurking on this super old post to say thanks. Your honesty on this post and the follow up post are so good. so true. so real.
    i have been in therapy for a couple years (still working on it) and a lot of the stuff you are working through resonates with me so much. such a weird juxtaposition; being confident yet being a pleaser. can i just be ME?
    i don’t have issues like you do with mckenna, but man, do I have issues!
    anyhow… we live local to you and i think if we lived next door to each other and you needed to borrow some sugar, you might come in and share a cup of coffee and we would talk about REAL things and maybe be friends.
    thanks for sharing.

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