since mckenna was in the hospital.

february 9th is the night she was burned, one year ago. february 9th is the night that i put a pot on the stove to boil, sat the kids on the couch in their jammies to watch "a bugs life" and ran upstairs to check my email. feb 9th is the night that mckenna decided to put the noodles in the pot, got too close to the stove, and caught fire to her over sized veggie tales pajama shirt. february 9th is the night i heard her scream, heard her scream in a way that i had never heard anyone scream, ran to the top of the stairs, and saw her on fire. it is the night that i ran downstairs, ran down a too long flight of stairs, screaming myself, the other three kids running to see what was happening, and picked her up and put her out on my carpet. it is the night that i called 911. that i called jeff, on a business trip in LA. the night that i rode in an ambulance with three firefighters/paramedics and called my mom to tell her what happened. the night that a police officer stayed at my house with my three other children, finished making the spaghetti and waited for my mother and father in law to take over. the night i thought i might die while i waited for them to tell me something. that i learned how hard you could cry. and how little you could care about anything else. the night jeff drove from LA to get to us at the hospital. the night i saw so many things in her, in myself, in jeff, in our families, in doctors and nurses. feb 9th 2005 is the night that changed our life.

this last year has been hell. stressful. sad. a struggle to get through. we have seen our lowest lows. our children have seen us reach our lowest lows. have seen me emotionally wrecked. for a short time, we didnt know if mckenna would live. and when i say short time, i mean the actual days spanned about six or seven. but in my heart, that time will be forever imprinted as an eternity. the things i have seen will never be forgotten. the things she has gone through will never be forgotten. there are vivid pictures in my head of that night. vivid pictures that when they hit me, are like an electric shock. they run from my brain down my back to my stomach. and hit me, hard. i have to shake my head, shake it off. i still cant believe it happened to her, and to me. there are burn marks on our carpet that are covered up by a rug. there are scars on her body that are healing, but so evident and such a reminder that life is fragile and sacred. there are scars in all of us, jeff, drew, nathan, anna, and myself.

but time heals.

on that night, one year ago….with the rest of our journey spanning before me, seemingly endless, i never could have imagined where we would be now.

her birthday was sunday. she is ten. last year, she had just come out of surgery and we celebrated her birthday in a hospital room. her, barely cognizant of what was happening. me, barely holding on for dear life as my parents brought the other kids to see us. as i watched my oldest, my baby girl, in so much pain. as we sang happy birthday and gave her gifts that really didnt mean anything at all.

over the course of six weeks, the hospital became our home. six weeks sounds so short when you type it out, or say it out loud. but when your entire life is on pause, when your entire life becomes the inner workings of a burn unit, when your entire life is held hostage by a tragedy, you are never the same.

i wanted to post this here, because this is where i came when i needed to express my pain. my fear. my joy as she got better. and this is the place where i got so much in return. so many of you helped to hold me up as i went through that time. and i just want to say thank you.

thank you so much. i could never express it enough.