This trip was a meaningful time for us, because Mckenna had recently moved into her group home. Friends of ours invited us to stay with them, and we did a lot of nothing and just enough somethings. We found good food,
cold lukewarm pools, good drinks, and nature. We slept in, played video games in our room while drinking coffee, and stayed up late playing backgammon, trying to figure out if gummy bears REALLY taste different or if the colors trick our brain. I had time under umbrellas with a long time best friend while she nursed her toddler, dark walks through the hotel grounds with my husband to the cacophonous sound of cicadas, and lounge-y romantic hammock hangs. Twas quite the dreamy time.
As mentioned in another post, I discovered an unknown black and white roll in my stash when I took film in to be developed last month.
“Sure enough, the black and white roll turned out to be the roll I shot in colorful Palm Springs. FULL OF COLOR Palm Springs. Where I shot specifically with all those colors in mind. Could not be worse. Doomsday. Grieving certain shots I saw so vividly in color. Will share in another post. Along with the grief I am already laughing about this whole thing and sort of loving the results too, loving them FOR the mistake, for the lack of control I have. Loving that I can learn more about myself from the mishaps than the ones that easily make my heart beat harder.”
I legit grieve for that shot of the sky (blue) and the palms (green) and the block wall (white) and the bougainvillea (hot pink) and the trailer homes (pink), and also for the sunset bougainvillea leaves that had dropped onto the sunset grass. I feel totally ripped off because I remember certain shots so clearly, what I was moved by, and why I snapped the pic. AND I WANT THAT MEMORY TO HOLD IN MY HANDS. I have had to look at these with fresh eyes and let go of my expectation. Which is an important life lesson in general, and easier to practice on something like this.
When I did that, I saw shadows, lines, and shapes that I hadn’t noticed before. I dig the awkward feel of the flash hotel room photos. I love that it appears my husband is holding an old timey rifle when it is just a crack in the rock. I have come to love this group of photos in the same way I love the ugliest Noble Fir at Christmas. ‘I will love you even if no one else will. I will love you BECAUSE no one else will’. Maybe you will love them, too.