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Hello, Internet.

I am a very different person from the one who wrote this almost three months ago. At the time I decided to take a break, I was feeling wretched. Last year was actually very difficult for many reasons. The end of the year was particularly bad, with one horrible thing happening after another. I was burnt out, sad, tired, stressed, unhappy, and unsatisfied. I wanted to quit being a photographer. I couldn’t stand to be in my own skin. All I saw was everything I wasn’t accomplishing. What I was doing, I wasn’t doing very well. I was completely divided, unfocused, and doing absolutely nothing with my whole heart. I moved from one thing to another, trying to find satisfaction by following my impulses instead of fulfilling my real needs.

In my past, when something happened that made me sad, stressed, or want to give up….I checked out. Or I would decide to pamper myself by doing something that was “against the rules” or frivolous. Like loading up on carbs or sugar while spending the afternoon on the couch watching TV, or spending money. Exactly NONE of these things fulfill me or heal me. They only drain me even more. I realized that I had to make a change. First was just taking the break. I knew I needed to focus on myself and I could only do that alone. Then, I had to make the move from pampering myself…to nurturing myself.

What’s the difference? There does seem to be a fine line, but think about this: You are having a rough day, so you want to give yourself a treat. You DESERVE a treat – your day is total crap! So, you get a pedicure or you buy a new pair of shoes or you check out in front of the television or you EAT your treat. The moment passes, and what are you left with? Do you feel energized? Do you feel good about yourself? Or did you simply follow an impulse that ended up being empty and meaningless in the end?

Nurturing means you look at the moment and you take care of yourself. You pay attention and see what is going on. You experiment with different things that are fulfilling for you. Then, you understand what you need and you give it to yourself in those moments of stress, sadness, or exhaustion. That means, after a bad day, you don’t reach for a bag of cookies. Instead, you make your big healthy salad and you feel so good about yourself because you gave your body something it NEEDED. Learning what you need isn’t easy – and won’t be the same for everyone. A lot of times we totally avoid what we need because it is hard. It takes energy to create energy.

This new way of thinking came through for me because I had such a dramatic cleanse. A cleanse from things that waste my time and make me feel unworthy and artificial. I have had, in the past, a big part of my life revolving around a computer. It all started because I wanted a job. I wanted a purpose. I didn’t know what my purpose was. I wanted to work from home. I wanted to meet people. I wanted to take in information.

So, this whole internet presence of mine was born, and it took off, and I didn’t handle it well. I avoided reality. I dove into social media. I connected with amazing people and not so amazing people. I went from blog to blog to blog, getting lost in the internet. You know when you suddenly look up and realize a lot of time has passed and you meant to have Googled a recipe and instead you spent the last hour reading about some person building a tree fort in their backyard in South Dakota and you are like, “Um. What the hellllllllllll am I doing?!” That is me to the max. To. The. Max.

I suppose I should say, I don’t handle it well, because we are in the present here. But we are working on it. With this break, I have reached a balance with work and personal time that I am fiercely protective over. I have immersed myself in living, which is exactly what I needed. I have had some light bulb moments. Much of my brain has shifted and seen things in a new light. All relating to my core person and what my purpose is. I almost feel like a totally brand new blogger, so unsure am I about where to focus and what to do here. This post has taken weeks to write. All stops and starts.

My two main changes have been these:

I once pampered and now I nurture.

I once used my computer time as a way to avoid my reality and immerse myself into an entirely different one. Now, all that I want is my reality  – my real, limited, fantastically beautiful and relentless life. Instead of using my computer time as a relief, I now see it as work, and I want to finish as quickly and efficiently as possible.

So – how do I nurture myself?

I know I am on the right track when these things are happening: I take care of myself. I eat foods that are good for me. I take care of my home and I don’t let small tasks pile up. I cook healthy meals for my children and send them to school with homemade lunches. I spend quality time with my family exploring nature and trying new things. I allow time for spontaneous delight.

These last three months have been one long experiment in nurturing for me, and here is what I did:

I am changing the way my house runs. Making my home an inspiring, calming place. Making sure everything HAS it’s place, and if not, out it goes. There are only two rooms I have not completed, but they are next up. I have cleared bags and bags out of closets. I have sold huge pieces of furniture that have clogged up my garage for years. I cleared and planted in my backyard, and have a plan for how to make it something I can work on creatively, yet simply. I am a collector of beautiful things found while thrifting/flea marketing/garage sale-ing. The problem with that comes when my garage starts looking like a thrift store and I hoard my treasures instead of putting them to use. Guess what, a bi-product of avoiding life is hoarding.

I am changing the way we eat. I have done it slowly and thoughtfully because I don’t want to shock my kids into not eating anything. Starting by cooking meals at home four to five days a week, with a lot of their regular favorites, but made with hidden tweaks. I switched almost everything white to brown, and added in a LOT of plants to our diet. I make a green smoothie every day, and a few of them will drink it with me. Right now I am focused on teaching them to choose nutrition over empty calories, watch their sugar intake, and eat as many things that grow out of the ground that they can in a day.

I am changing how we spend time together. I threw down the long arm of the law and banned any and all screen time for kids Monday through Thursday. This means zero TV, movies, computer (except for homework), video games, iPad, etc. It was really hard on them at first, but the changes I have seen in my house have been amazing. UH MAZE ING. I want to devote a blog post to our transition, so I will be writing more about this later.

I took a long break from work during this time and I will honestly say that I am nervous adding it back in. I didn’t pick up my Canon for two months. I took all my photos with my iPhone. I feel like a newbie. My nerves are fried, like I am off to my very first photo shoot all over again. After feeling burnt out and uninspired at the end of last year, this is actually a good feeling. It’s like butterflies. And who doesn’t love butterflies? With my upcoming re-brand I feel like things are going to fall into place for me online, a place I haven’t felt totally comfortable in for a long time.

I have been neurotic and depressed and scatterbrained for most of the time I’ve been alive. When your head is a mess, so is everything else in your life. When I turned 30, I could see that, and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I got myself a therapist. Since then, I have worked on changing. I turned 35 last year, so this work has been going on for five very long years. I think the changes are finally becoming normal to me. A new kind of normal. I just feel…different. I am a calmer, more self aware, more grown up version of myself.

I know this is only the beginning for me. I know I will fall back into my old ways. I know things will get rough, and I will have to revisit what is nurturing for me. I know I will constantly remain vigilant. And I have to. Because I want to.

A friend of mine has gone through a similar journey alongside me, and one day a long time ago I came home to a message on my answering machine from her, pleading in a joking way, “I don’t know how to do this. I just want to turn a corner, Tara. Please! Somebody, anybody! Just let me turn a f***ing corner!”

We laughed about it then, and we still laugh about it now. That damn corner. Previously unattainable.

The thing is, I think I might have found it.

If you are still looking, leaning against the wall and struggling endlessly in the dark, reaching your hands out, stretching, praying hoping waiting for that corner to show up – it will.

Just don’t give up.

-Tara

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267 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for sharing what I’ve been feeling deep inside me. You’ve given me a lot of light shed on my own life, and I’m now in the process of making my own adjustments and not “checking out” in front of the computer like I used to. I know you will come out of this stronger, happier, and a better human :)

  2. this post means a lot to me right now and i am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. i quit my job 2 weeks ago, because of that feeling. that feeling i need to do something different, am not happy, am not satisfied, everything discouraging in life. i have a therapist and am working through some things…but when i am sitting at home trying to make myself better, i feel like i can’t. i feel stuck, i feel lost. i hope that effing corner comes soon too, because feeling like this is exhausting and i know there is hope if i stay focused – but lately i have sat in front of the tv eating a box of girl scout cookies then feeling horrible 20 min later.
    i am so happy you have found a yellow brick road! you are truly a inspiration and you are never alone in this journey.

  3. I am so happy you found some peace and are dong well.. I love following your work and blog, BUT I found myself smiling when I pulled up your blog and saw no new entry. For me it meant you are doing what it takes to make “you” work. Your talent is overwhelming. I Appreciate your gift.

  4. Tara, thanks for the honesty of this post. You are brave to step back from our crazy, modern,plugged-in world long enough to begin to heal yourself and your family. Reading your post and so many comments, it is obvious that it is so hard for us to say ” enough”. You are giving yourself and your family so many beautiful gifts. To me, today, you reminded me it is all worth it.
    May it get brighter and easier more often :)

  5. Tara, oh Tara! We are on such a parallel it is frightening, yet comforting!! My husband lost his job (for the second time in 3 years) in December and we made a bold move and decided to sell nearly all of the contents of our home and relocate back overseas to Dubai. It has been incredibly painful sifting through all that “stuff’ that I bought just to fill in the “gaps” to my so called happiness and hauling bag after bag to the Salvation ARmy!!! Insane!! And now here I sit, and in three days I will board a plane and start my life over again in Dubai but from a different perspective this time. I will play the game with my rules, live the life I want to live without worrying about those around me. I am in the middle of a project called “Hungry” which pretty much highlights what you talk about in your blog post….so it’s basically moving from feeding the void to feeding the soul. A shift from mass consumerism to the nurturing aspect that lives in all of us and in the “little things” that surround us every day. I look forward to sharing my ebook when it’s done and to helping people through the ecourse I have developed to encourage people to move into this space, even if it only means just changing one thing to start.

    You are so brave in stepping back and taking ownership of your life. Pat yourself on the back, look what you’ve achieved, be proud of all that you’ve shared. Inspiration is contagious!!!

    Shine on happy lady!!! xx

  6. I found your blog via Ali Edwards and have had your blog post open all day, ready for me to have that moment to take the time to sit and absorb everything that you have written, it is inspiring to read and I found myself nodding at a lot of things you had shared, I thank you for sharing your experience and openness here on your blog.

    I too about 4 years ago found myself at cross roads and with help have managed to work through the bumps in the roads, but you Tara have opened my eyes to many things, thank you :)

    Sending you lots of hugs!

  7. Thank you Tara.
    This is a year of changing for me too, a new city, a new house, now a new job, in a new industry, and I am excited. And scared. But I am trying to ignore the scared, because it is baseless and doesn’t help me.
    Your blog just now really did help me though, as did the thought of not being alone, and all the other commenters that are feeling the same.

  8. thank you Tara. I love this post. You are speaking to me. I can see exactly what you are saying.. I can see I do the same thing some days. Maybe not in complete funk, but I hear you. I like this idea of nurturing and I think I need to explore it myself. You rock – and I can’t wait to read more about the better you :) thanks so much for sharing and your honesty and for taking a break to find yourself!

  9. What an incredibly inspiring post. I am so there with the “internet presence burnout” thing. And I waste too much time doing nothing on the computer, all while my kids (age 4 and 2) need me. This last month I took a month off of business to spring clean and finish some half-done projects, and it’s been amazing, all the productivity. I look forward to more of it. Thanks, Tara.

  10. Tara-You’ve obviously hit ALL our hearts w/ your post. It seriously made me cry! This is HOW I FEEL! DAILY!! Your writing is lovely. Are you following someone/something? Please share! :)

  11. So glad to see you are back! 9 1/2 years ago my husband and I moved our 4 children from Laguna Niguel to Charlotte NC. It has been one of the best things we have ever done, living in the OC is FAB! But, it has it’s price. I feel in Charlotte I am myself and always tried to be someone else or felt inferior in OC. Stay tough, true and strong! XOXO

  12. tara-
    i loved this post & the one before it. i hope i have your courage and strength to get to this place. I also love i don’t want to forget a thing. “automagically’ indeed!
    -mari

  13. You have been on my mind for a long time. So glad you are finding your way back to ‘you’. You are such an amazing woman, mother, sister, daughter, friend, inspiration and so much more. God bless…

  14. We are on parallel paths. Last year, I wanted to quit my life. Drop the business, move somewhere. Anywhere. This year, I broke. Crumbled to pieces. And then, in the rubble, I found myself. It’s kind of awesome. I know I’m still going to make some changes and mistakes, but I’m so much more forgiving of myself, and feeling alive for the first time in years. I got buried by my business and a lot of expectations, so glad to be on this side. So glad you are too. :)

  15. Just the words I needed today. I hope they inspire me for making the right steps to nurturing instead of pampering.
    By the way I’m very curious how you managed to get screens banned in your household: please let me know how I can make my children be satisfied without screens ;-)

    Love, Ingrid

  16. you can do this! it won’t be easy, but you will fight for it.

    we’re also a family of 6. not all areas of our life are running just as we wish, don’t get any grand illusions. but i thought i’d share with you that Mon – Fri we have a set meal plan. Monday is always a crockpot meal (b/c we had time Sunday to set it up a day ahead of time), Tuesdays are always tacos, Wednesday is pasta night… you get the idea. It keeps our plan in place. Consistency becomes easier. Week after week we don’t have to devote time to meal planning. Week after week we know precisely what to get at the market. I’m not sitting here today revisiting over & over again, “what should I make tonight”. I’m not wasting time online hunting down a recipe ;) And when one of us parents is busy that evening the other one knows exactly why chicken is defrosting in the fridge. It is amazing how much mental prep goes into thinking out dinner – you realize just how much when you simplify the system like this. It also saves money. We know we have tacos every week. When stuff comes on sale for that meal we buy lots of it. We have found the schedule key to being consistently successful with home cooked meals. And our four kids actually love it. They know what to expect. Each Tuesday is met with a chorus of, “Yeah, Taco Tuesday!!!” anyway, i’m not really all about giving out advice. lots of things work for others that don’t work for us. lots of best wishes being sent your way.

  17. Oh girl, you took the words right out of my mouth. This is exactly what I’ve been feeling and going through also. I’ve been a fan of yours since way back in the Two Peas in a Pod days. Good luck with your new journey.

  18. How do you deal with your boys if they know they can’t have technology at home on school days, but then they ask to go to a friend’s house where it is completely unlimited? And it’s a really good friend, someone they need? And the friend can’t come over? Because this is killing my brain right now.

  19. thank you. seriously. thank you. I am tearing up reading this, because some days I just don’t recognize my life. It’s filled with so much “filler” and stuff I “should” do that I find myself on auto-pilot most of the time, my head buzzing at the end of the day. Thank you for sharing this. It’s inspiring to read, as I struggle to keep hold of my true self and the reason I live… to find joy every day.

  20. Tara, you do not know me but I feel as though we talk on a weekly basis. I have missed your words these past few months. Thank you for posting this. You are a light to so many of us. My corner is coming, I see it, I’m almost there. I’m so envious of you and your courage. Thank you for inspire me….so often.

  21. Have loved following your journey on Instagram, and am so glad you’re living in a better place for you and your family. You inspire so many people Tara – your honesty and authenticity is a gift, thanks for sharing xxx

  22. Sorry for the long ramble…please read it all! :)

    In September 2010 a massive Earthquake rocked our beautiful city, Christchuch, New Zealand! Not long after that another massive Quake hit destroying the heart and sole of Christchurch killing far too many people. Although the second Quake was smaller in size it was far more destructive and we sadly lost our home. For me and my family it was heartbreaking, but when the bigger picture became visible we were so, so blessed to have only lost a house. I realised it was just that – a house – that a home was where ever we made it. We have moved twice since that second Quake and it has been exhausting….trying to form some normality while keeping it all together….I found one of the things that always made me feel better was your Blog…..when I discovered you were taking a break I was gutted! My go to Blog for an uplifting moment was…..MIA! All this time I have been checking in on a regular basis waiting for this! Waiting for your return and all I can say is WOW! You have not let me down, in fact I am so uplifted and inspired to find my very own corner! So thank you Tara – Thank you from my heart here in NZ to yours on the other side of the world – because that is how far your inspiration travels!

  23. So amazing. I have been in a rut and really feeling sorry for myself. After reading your blog, it was like a light switch. I decided that I have the choice of how I feel. I can mope around and be miserable and procrastinate and be late for work (again) or I can take charge of my life. Wow. What a difference. I have been on-time or early every day this week. I’m waking up earlier and taking care of stuff before work. I feel completely different and a million times better. Thanks for sharing. You’re making a difference.

  24. I think you just changed my life. Pampering vs nuturing…yes. I need that. I turned to cookies or chips or I lay down and pamper myself instead of giving my body what it needs.

    I also NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS COMPUTER! My kids need me to get away from this computer too.

    There are so many things I want to do and this computer is keeping me from doing them. I too am the person who meant to look for a recipe and ended up reading about tents that hang from trees for rock climbers or what Sheri my grade school friend just posted on Facebook. This has to end!

    Thank you Tara. You are every woman. You just get it.

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