Hello, Internet.
I am a very different person from the one who wrote this almost three months ago. At the time I decided to take a break, I was feeling wretched. Last year was actually very difficult for many reasons. The end of the year was particularly bad, with one horrible thing happening after another. I was burnt out, sad, tired, stressed, unhappy, and unsatisfied. I wanted to quit being a photographer. I couldn’t stand to be in my own skin. All I saw was everything I wasn’t accomplishing. What I was doing, I wasn’t doing very well. I was completely divided, unfocused, and doing absolutely nothing with my whole heart. I moved from one thing to another, trying to find satisfaction by following my impulses instead of fulfilling my real needs.
In my past, when something happened that made me sad, stressed, or want to give up….I checked out. Or I would decide to pamper myself by doing something that was “against the rules” or frivolous. Like loading up on carbs or sugar while spending the afternoon on the couch watching TV, or spending money. Exactly NONE of these things fulfill me or heal me. They only drain me even more. I realized that I had to make a change. First was just taking the break. I knew I needed to focus on myself and I could only do that alone. Then, I had to make the move from pampering myself…to nurturing myself.
What’s the difference? There does seem to be a fine line, but think about this: You are having a rough day, so you want to give yourself a treat. You DESERVE a treat – your day is total crap! So, you get a pedicure or you buy a new pair of shoes or you check out in front of the television or you EAT your treat. The moment passes, and what are you left with? Do you feel energized? Do you feel good about yourself? Or did you simply follow an impulse that ended up being empty and meaningless in the end?
Nurturing means you look at the moment and you take care of yourself. You pay attention and see what is going on. You experiment with different things that are fulfilling for you. Then, you understand what you need and you give it to yourself in those moments of stress, sadness, or exhaustion. That means, after a bad day, you don’t reach for a bag of cookies. Instead, you make your big healthy salad and you feel so good about yourself because you gave your body something it NEEDED. Learning what you need isn’t easy – and won’t be the same for everyone. A lot of times we totally avoid what we need because it is hard. It takes energy to create energy.
This new way of thinking came through for me because I had such a dramatic cleanse. A cleanse from things that waste my time and make me feel unworthy and artificial. I have had, in the past, a big part of my life revolving around a computer. It all started because I wanted a job. I wanted a purpose. I didn’t know what my purpose was. I wanted to work from home. I wanted to meet people. I wanted to take in information.
So, this whole internet presence of mine was born, and it took off, and I didn’t handle it well. I avoided reality. I dove into social media. I connected with amazing people and not so amazing people. I went from blog to blog to blog, getting lost in the internet. You know when you suddenly look up and realize a lot of time has passed and you meant to have Googled a recipe and instead you spent the last hour reading about some person building a tree fort in their backyard in South Dakota and you are like, “Um. What the hellllllllllll am I doing?!” That is me to the max. To. The. Max.
I suppose I should say, I don’t handle it well, because we are in the present here. But we are working on it. With this break, I have reached a balance with work and personal time that I am fiercely protective over. I have immersed myself in living, which is exactly what I needed. I have had some light bulb moments. Much of my brain has shifted and seen things in a new light. All relating to my core person and what my purpose is. I almost feel like a totally brand new blogger, so unsure am I about where to focus and what to do here. This post has taken weeks to write. All stops and starts.
My two main changes have been these:
I once pampered and now I nurture.
I once used my computer time as a way to avoid my reality and immerse myself into an entirely different one. Now, all that I want is my reality – my real, limited, fantastically beautiful and relentless life. Instead of using my computer time as a relief, I now see it as work, and I want to finish as quickly and efficiently as possible.
So – how do I nurture myself?
I know I am on the right track when these things are happening: I take care of myself. I eat foods that are good for me. I take care of my home and I don’t let small tasks pile up. I cook healthy meals for my children and send them to school with homemade lunches. I spend quality time with my family exploring nature and trying new things. I allow time for spontaneous delight.
These last three months have been one long experiment in nurturing for me, and here is what I did:
I am changing the way my house runs. Making my home an inspiring, calming place. Making sure everything HAS it’s place, and if not, out it goes. There are only two rooms I have not completed, but they are next up. I have cleared bags and bags out of closets. I have sold huge pieces of furniture that have clogged up my garage for years. I cleared and planted in my backyard, and have a plan for how to make it something I can work on creatively, yet simply. I am a collector of beautiful things found while thrifting/flea marketing/garage sale-ing. The problem with that comes when my garage starts looking like a thrift store and I hoard my treasures instead of putting them to use. Guess what, a bi-product of avoiding life is hoarding.
I am changing the way we eat. I have done it slowly and thoughtfully because I don’t want to shock my kids into not eating anything. Starting by cooking meals at home four to five days a week, with a lot of their regular favorites, but made with hidden tweaks. I switched almost everything white to brown, and added in a LOT of plants to our diet. I make a green smoothie every day, and a few of them will drink it with me. Right now I am focused on teaching them to choose nutrition over empty calories, watch their sugar intake, and eat as many things that grow out of the ground that they can in a day.
I am changing how we spend time together. I threw down the long arm of the law and banned any and all screen time for kids Monday through Thursday. This means zero TV, movies, computer (except for homework), video games, iPad, etc. It was really hard on them at first, but the changes I have seen in my house have been amazing. UH MAZE ING. I want to devote a blog post to our transition, so I will be writing more about this later.
I took a long break from work during this time and I will honestly say that I am nervous adding it back in. I didn’t pick up my Canon for two months. I took all my photos with my iPhone. I feel like a newbie. My nerves are fried, like I am off to my very first photo shoot all over again. After feeling burnt out and uninspired at the end of last year, this is actually a good feeling. It’s like butterflies. And who doesn’t love butterflies? With my upcoming re-brand I feel like things are going to fall into place for me online, a place I haven’t felt totally comfortable in for a long time.
I have been neurotic and depressed and scatterbrained for most of the time I’ve been alive. When your head is a mess, so is everything else in your life. When I turned 30, I could see that, and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I got myself a therapist. Since then, I have worked on changing. I turned 35 last year, so this work has been going on for five very long years. I think the changes are finally becoming normal to me. A new kind of normal. I just feel…different. I am a calmer, more self aware, more grown up version of myself.
I know this is only the beginning for me. I know I will fall back into my old ways. I know things will get rough, and I will have to revisit what is nurturing for me. I know I will constantly remain vigilant. And I have to. Because I want to.
A friend of mine has gone through a similar journey alongside me, and one day a long time ago I came home to a message on my answering machine from her, pleading in a joking way, “I don’t know how to do this. I just want to turn a corner, Tara. Please! Somebody, anybody! Just let me turn a f***ing corner!”
We laughed about it then, and we still laugh about it now. That damn corner. Previously unattainable.
The thing is, I think I might have found it.
If you are still looking, leaning against the wall and struggling endlessly in the dark, reaching your hands out, stretching, praying hoping waiting for that corner to show up – it will.
Just don’t give up.
-Tara
We definitely all go through this phase at some point (or multiple points) in our lives. Kudos to you for taking a step back and finding your mojo again. Love that you’re taking the time to take better care of yourself, because that nurturing is definitely something that so many of us forget to do… Good for you, and thanks for sharing such an inspirational post!!
<3
I have to chime in and say, “Amen!”.
It’s an interesting thing, the internet. I am starting a photography biz, and some days I feel like I’m totally missing out on so much business because I’m not always on FB or Twitter, or working on my SEO, but then I’ll get a call from someone who knows someone who hired me to take their photos and I’m reminded that there’s no substitute for real conversations, and in-person chats.
I hope you can stay vigilant. Just remember that it’s your life, and you can do whatever works for you. I love your blog, but, honestly, blogs just aren’t all that important are they? : )
So inspirational. Thank you for sharing your life and being so inspirational!
This. THIS is why I adore you.
After all these years you continue to inspire me.
Love the distinction between pamper and nurture. I’ve been pampering myself for too long now. What I need is to nurture myself. Thank you Tara.
Much love and peace! It’s soooo good to hear how you and your family are doing.
It is my first time to your blog & this is so inspiring. I found myself nodding along saying yes, this is how I feel/what I want. Amazing.
So happy to see you here, even if it is just a brief glimpse. So many amazing changes – I am excited for you, and in turn inspired and excited for my little family and all of the balance that we have been striving to achieve as well. I can’t wait to see snippets of all of the love and contentment that comes to you in your brave new world. :)
Hi Tara, so proud of you for doing things for you, as always your words are difficult to read but poetic, a corner eh… I may have to just think a bit about that some more. Yay for butterflies, sometimes we do our best work when we’re trying our hardest not to screw it up… you’ll be fine, no matter what, just keep striving to keep what is important to you in sight and you should be ok… thank you for sharing yourself with your readers and the universe :)
Just Beautiful! Truly inspiring! Love and Peace to you and your family!
Hey Tara, it’s 3 am and I’m browsing internet to get rid of feeling numb. I would better be sleeping, because I have to wake up at 6am to get my family ready for school and work. I clicked you link through twitter. I read this post 3 times now… and I can;t stop crying. Every word resonates in me so deeply. I’m right in the middle on my quest, I’m looking for an answer… I’m looking for piece of mind. It is so easy yet so wrong that TV became a babysitter and in order to have a relieve I stuff myself with empty calories … I feel like my life is fast moving train and I need to get down at the station, sit for a while and think. Just be with me. Alone.
I can’t thank you enough for this post. I’m going shut down the computer now and go to sleep those few hours I have left. You don’t know me, I leave across the globe from you, yet I’m sending you sincere hugs. Pls keep up with photography. Your work is one of the kind inspiration.
Wow Tara thank you for sharing, it has made me quite teary! This blog post and your previous post is so me, I sometimes just want to walkaway but I know I can’t. Good for you on finding your corner hopefully one day I may find mine!!
I’ve read your blog for quite a long time. This is the best.post.yet! Thank you for such inspiring words. I’ve had a couple of ah-ha moments while reading this and hope I can implement a couple of the changes you’ve made into my life very soon. It’s high time I stopped hiding from my reality and did something about it. THANKS!
can totally relate…have similar thoughts and feelings this year…my corner is in sight :) xx
just what i needed today. thank you.
Hey Tara.
Long-time reader, Zero-time commenter here. Just wanted to take a minute to say: I really loved this post. Thanks!
I feel like I’m going through the same things right now. Slowly making changes to live more from intention and less from habit.
Cheers to a new HAPPY life!
Welcome back. I missed reading your posts.
You said exactly what I needed to hear today.
Oh, Tara…how I have missed you, but so very happy for you and your family for taking this time to nurture yourselves. We feel this during the school year, as I am a teacher and my husband is in the publication. We get way too consumed with work, maintaining our kids’ schedule during the year. We eat out WAY too much, enjoy each other less and watch way too much TV. However, our summers are sacred…we unwind, explore, grill, love and laugh more!
Thank you for this blog post, as it is getting to our summer break! It’s a great reminder for what’s to come!
This and you are amazing. Thank you.
Good for you Tara……… take care of yourself and family and then enjoy life again…the internet can be a trap. I have just recently discovered Pinterest…….I love it however it is the biggest time waster ever…I get so inspired by people’s projects though and great ideas. It’s healthy if it has a time limit on it I think. Home made meals and lunches are teaching your kids the importance of nutrition and being organized and they will feeling better because of it. All the best, Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
so love this, Tara. Really hits home at the moment. I think I’m starting to make out that corner, I know that when I’ve found it before it’s been good, just gotta keep up the nurturing to get there again! So glad you have found yours and that you have shared. You are amazing, I am sure this new chapter will be kick ass, you have earned it! xo
wow, your photos do make me want to get up and do something, like exercise! I’ve been doing great on the eating front but the exercise bit I just can’t seem to jump on that wagon, and that one I need to get my energy back…..
here’s to hoping you will be giving me more inspiration until I catch up!
You are truly inspiring Tara. Hugs!
i loved your post, and i read through a lot of the comments, and you know what strikes me, tara? so many people “love” you regardless of who “you” really are. we love your photographs, we love your voice, we love your honesty, we love that you are just a real person trying to make it work. but i bet that starts to feel really empty after a while. because there is so much more to you than that; so much more that the vast majority of us never see and will never know. i think the really beautiful part of your story is that you just might be starting to love yourself. hang on to that. it really is a beautiful thing.
You are really a courageous woman. You and your family will be blessed by this time you have taken to get your life in better order. You have inspired me to get all that stuff I keep meaning to sell on CL and get it out of my life! Thanks and have a great day.
hi tara, i have been awaiting your return! and it is so refreshing to see that you have found purpose and meaning OUTSIDE of the “biz” and all this internet blah blah blah. i’m so over it. i just wish i had the luxury of taking such a healthy break. as a single parent and this is my only source of income…the pressure to work is huge. and every time i can’t book a session i feel like a part of my self esteem is dying. i hate how my entire self worth has become tied up in this business. it’s not what i intended this to be. every day i think, this is the day i will think differently, feel differently…i really hope i can find my corner soon. the love of my life is moving here soon and i hope with his arrival i will have a wonderful companion and also a little breathing room, financially. i just try to stay positive and hope that better days are on the horizon. thanks so much for sharing. you give me hope.
Thanks for nourishing my brain. Thanks for writing the words that I need to hear. Thanks for making me feel good. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for sharing. (Now for that shake recipe?)
Hi Tara, …. It is so so great so see you back. You go girl, you are amazing, your words are thought provoking, inspiring and I can totally relate to them, thank you for having the courage to type what most of us want to say. Good luck to you and to your family. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Cheers Sara M New Zealand
I love this post and i’m so happy you have the courage to share this. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I hope to have half your courage one day.
Thank you!
omg tara. I logged onto your blog today praying you had returned. and like i said on twitter, i knew it was going to be good. so many of things you have said resonate with me so deeply. i have taken a blog break, not as long as yours, but have basically said, it just isn’t a priority for me now. i only blog when i really feel like it, which is few and far between these days. there are so many other things i want to focus on. i too have cleaned out my home. cleansed inside and out. bought a juicer (which i highly recommend) and just tried to concentrate on my family. as you know, while running a business, that is not easy.
i have felt lost photographically. i am struggling with my photography. i dont know why but i get more anxious and nervous that i used to before a shoot. i almost freeze. i feel like my photography was better years ago when i just started and now, i get lost in the blogs and focus too much on what everyone else is doing. i hate that. it’s detrimental. i too am waiting to turn the corner. to get back to where i started. that’s what i want.
i wish you lived closer. you are a huge inspiration and im so proud of you. bravo girl. xo
tara – what incredible words you have written and shared with the internet world! I love that you have spent time nurturing yourself and your family over the past 3 months. you are right, we just have to get beyond that corner and then the weight is lifting. i can’t wait to see what’s in store over the next year and years to come with you, your family, and your business!
Fantastic post Tara! Thank you for sharing. You hit upon a big distinction between pampering and nuturing yourself….so true! Thanks again!
“I have been neurotic and depressed and scatterbrained for most of the time I’ve been alive.”
That is a realization I have been slowly coming to about myself lately. At first I thought the whole neurotic and depressed thing was a recent development in my life, but then I started to look back at my past, especially my teenage years and college, and I realized that it’s been pretty constant; I just didn’t have the words to describe, and I didn’t realize my mentality was any different from anyone else’s. It’s been hard to accept, but it’s also been a strong motivator in making some big changes in my life. This post resonates with me so deeply. Thanks for writing it.
Dear Tara…HUGE hugs! Welcome back…stay strong and keep your hand on the wall and hold on to the corner ’til you make your way around it!
Seriously refreshing. Thank you!
Once again you seem to say exactly what I am feeling, what I need to hear. I feel out of control of my life, my body and it sucks. We have started trying to eat better, up next is doing things that nurtures me rather than what helps me avoid real life. Thanks for the inspiration! And hey, feel like sharing any of those recipes? The photos and your menu list looks INCREDIBLE! Hang in there!
Thanks for reaching out and touching us all….
I wish I lived next door to you. I would want to be your friend! Thank-you again for being real. It is okay to be real. ;) Hugs. Lot’s of them!!
It’s hard to believe I could admire you more than I did before. But I guess it is possible. You inspire.
“Allow time for spontaneous delight” Love it.
This is amazing and beautiful and I’m always so inspired by your work and personality. Thanks for sharing this good reminder we could ALL use.
Welcome back! What a sweet surprise to find this post today. I have almost given up hope. I so look forward to seeing more of your incredible work.
Jane
Thank you, Tara!
I’ve missed your blogging, Tara! Thank you for this post. It hits home with me and I admire what you’re working towards in your life. As always, your words are so well written. Nurture on!!! XO
You are so real. Thank you!
i love this. and i’m anxiously waiting for my corner. one of these days, i know it. It is just taking a lot longer than I’d like to get there … thank you!
Thank you for always being real. It’s nice to read these words. Words that describe my life right now so eloquently. You give me courage.
ahhhh…..tara! it is so good to see you back. and with such great family images that speak volumes of you and your family. can’t wait to see what is next for you!
Tara,
I love you. I love how you write.
That is all.
Mandi