Once I wrapped up my last clients of 2011 I dove headfirst into making Christmas everything it could be for my kids. Then, on New Years Eve, I got really, really sick. I just today came up for a breath of air.
I feel like I have been running with my head down for the last four months. Running to clients, running to pick up kids, running to drop off kids, running to make lunch, running to a teacher meeting, running to buy birthday party supplies, running to get my camera fixed, running to make dinner, running to the doctor, running to visit a friend, running to behavioral therapy for Mckenna, running to the airport, running home, running to the bank, running to a school function, running to the store for more toilet paper…just running, running, running.
And I want to stop.
And I want to catch my breath.
The last few days while sick in bed, I took a cold hard look at my life, and it has suffered. I have gained weight. We are eating out too much. I am not writing. I have not done any of the projects I wanted to do. We aren’t spending enough time putting energy and thought into our lives. We are just making it.
I honestly don’t know how everyone else does it. I look around and it seems like everyone else is working their asses off, making home cooked meals for their kids, redecorating their homes, redesigning websites, setting up shops, chasing their dreams, losing weight, running marathons, taking quick trips, going on dates, building tree forts, learning to kickbox….and I am just watching it all whiz by in awe while clutching my six year old branding and sage green walls and child bearing hips.
I want to spend some time on myself. I want to get this house in order. I want to take bags upon bags upon bags to Goodwill. I want to stop holding onto things for my perfect house and someday. I want to get my branding finished, (I LOVE IT), and get my new websites created. I want to spend time making healthy food. I want my body to work better. I want to learn how to do new things. I want to take my kids to the park. I want to take pictures of us. Do you know that I took a shockingly low number of pictures of my own family this year? I hate that.
Right now, I have a chance. January is notoriously slow for portrait photographers. So I am taking it.
I am going radio silent on the blog until I feel like I have some things back under control. I have got to cut something out. I heavily feel the weight of the silence here, and I just need to say something so I don’t stress about it anymore. I am not going to be posting. I am not going to be thinking of meaningful content. I am not going to be editing photos for other people.
I will catch my breath. And I will come back. Soon.
For now, if you wish, you can keep up with us on my snapshots blog: I don’t want to forget a thing, where my iphone photos are automagically shared.
Until I feel more alive,
Tara
Breathe, you are more than amazing and do so much. I’m in awe of you! Please breathe all you need to :)
I don’t know you, but I know exactly where you are right now. I can completely related to the feelings of barely surviving and needing to step away for a time. Good for you for making that boundary. Here’s to feeling more alive . . . this ole’ internet will be here when you get back. :)
Oh the joys of the Internet. I actually finally get what you were saying a few months back about the Internet. I sidn’t see it then but i’m starting to now. Go and just be. Just please remember nobody’s life is what it seems, sometimes even our own.
Perfectly, wonderfully said. You’d be surprised how many of us that you think are magically holding it altogether, really aren’t doing that good a job after all… Power to you Tara. I will be taking something from your words for myself. Take care.
Thank you for saying everything I’ve been feeling lately. You are inspiring, chickadee!
Tara, I seriously could have written this post. In fact I wanted to, but I can’t seem to find it in me to lay it all out there like you can. (and that’s a compliment) I think any mom can relate to how you’re feeling. But especially for us photographers, who have such a hectic Fall, then the holidays and by January, we are ready for a vacation! I just looked back and felt like I don’t remember the last few months of 2011… Except that i was running at full-speed. And I made no time for me. I get it. And totally understand why you need to pull away and give yourself some breathing room. You’ll feel so much better. Although I will miss your blog posts!
maybe you should do this every january? it could be your “get my life back” month. we’ll be here when you get back.
ps. can’t WAIT to see your new branding!
Ok you are freaking me out because it is like I wrote this, every single word could be mine. I have taken so little pics of my own family that it is rediculous. 2012 for me is trying to create a balance between everyday life, my photography work and some me time with my friends(it is a wonder they still want to be my friend as i hardly ever talk to them or see them).
Here is to you and me, we can do this!!
Corinnexxx
PS: I can’t wait to see your new website!(I just finished mine)
Do you know how many of us look at your gorgeous home and wish it looked half as amazing/unique/creative? You are running so much because you do so much, you are a very inspirational real woman.
Take the time you need. I will wait til you come back and get inspired by you. Don’t forget that you are an inspiration : i love your work, i love what you share about your family, you seem like a fun family to be around,… When i grow up i want to be a photographer like you ! You are one of the first photographer i ran into on the internet and the one i stuck around that long ! Your blog is one i check almost everyday !
And i agree with what rachael said : nobody’s life is what it seems ! Don’t compare yourself to others, just be you ;-)
Hear ya, sister. I’m a lot older than you, so have a little more of that “been there” attitude. Remember: people tend to share their “highlights” reel (especially in social networking); nobody’s life is that perfect (back to the old “if it seems too good to be true, it probably is”); when you look back at the end of your life, will you ever care that your walls were sage green or your branding was older than you wanted it to be? Never.
I hear you Tara! There’s nothing more precious than spending time with family and we are all guilty of getting caught up in the whirlwind that is called life :( Take all the time you need honey and may 2012 bring you much peace and joy xoxo
Rest well. Be well. We will be here when you return. Don’t fear.
“Everyone” doesn’t do it.. Everyone feels those same feelings that you do.. You were brave enough to listen to your inner voice that told you to slow down and breath.. That is strength..
blessings ..
Jan
Hi Tara. I see that Susan already touched upon what I wanted to say but I saw this quote on Pinterest the other day and instantly thought of it when I read your post…so here goes….The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. I so believe this to be true. Go easy on yourself. You are amazing!
Not that you need to hear this but, please know all women get to this point at some point. I’m so proud of you for addressing that voice that is telling you to slow down…see you when you are ready.
hi tara. i just wanted to share a couple of quotes with you that i’ve really loved during times that i felt similar to how you’re feeling now. xx jill
If you live the life you love, you will receive shelter and blessings. Sometimes the great famine of blessings in and around us derives from the fact that we are not living the life we love; rather, we are living the life that is expected of us. We have fallen out of rhythm with the secret signature and light of our own nature. John O’Donohue
If you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective. Author Unknown
I just hope it encourages you that, in my opinion, NO ONE has it together. If I have a week where I am gettin’ all crafty with my kids, the laundry piles up. If I am caught up on photos, I didn’t write thank you notes. If I made great meals, I didn’t exercise. That is the problem with blogs and “crapbook.” (aka Facebook) We only see the BEST, the winning moments. I realized even I am guilty of it, and that does a huge disservice to other women. I don’t need to air my dirty laundry, but its ok to let others know you have dirty socks… ya’ know? (I don’t think my blog is as guilty as my social media.)
Hang in there… you are not alone! :)
I feel like I could have written this. Take the time. You deserve it. I will try and do the same. ;)
I read a quote recently that said…when you compare your life to others you are comparing the entirety of yours to the highlight reel of theirs. So true. You are not alone out there. Most days I feel it is completely impossible to work out and lose these 50 lbs of baby weight, fix healthy meals, stay in budget, please my clients, be nice to my husband, keep up with the house, and be a good Mom to my kid. Never mind time for myself…. to explore new avenues of work, to breathe, to take a walk, to color my hair. All this to say… We get it. Take all the time you need.. and know that you are justified to do it. Here’s to dropping the crap and finding some JOY this year!
um, I wanna auto feed for my iPhone photos. How? Off to research.
These words resonate with me more than anything – although we aren’t in the same life stage (me? single, no kids, working boring day job etc), these things still happen. We go and go and go until our bodies tell us to slow down… I’ll be taking a break from all of this right along with you, Tara.
Thank you for your honesty, your willingness to be vulnerable and I’ll be sending positive, healthy vibes your way during this brand new 2012 :) xoxo.
Oh mama. You know I loves you. You know, you know, you know.
you are not alone….your words could have come right from my mouth. i look at you as someone with it ALL together, making memories, taking those cherished amazing photos,your home decorated JUST like I would LOVE mine to be, your creativeness beyond anything like i have seen.
take the time you need, everything will be ok. breathe…. like someone else said, we will be here when you get back.
Well said. Selfishly I am so glad that I’m not the only one. I’m impressed that you are able to be brave and step back from it all for a bit.
I’ve always thought you were superwoman. The same way you’ve been feeling about everyone else’s life is the way I’ve always thought yours must be. It’s good to know, that truly – no one can do it all. It’s all an illusion. The Internet has fooled us all into thinking that everyone else has it together and we are the ones falling behind. There is a time and season for everything in life. Sometimes we’re successful with work, sometimes we’re learning new skills, sometimes we’re making our homes what we dream they should be. Simply CANNOT be doing it all at the same time. It’s good to shift now and then – to do what feels right at whatever time it feels right to be doing it. Have a wonderful break – I hope it is truly restorative..
Breathe….just breathe….this is the year for you – your family will be better for it. Enjoy being you and love your family. It’s ok to say no for your sanity and your families happiness :)
You know from past comments that I am an empty nester – and from this perspective let me say that think what you’re feeling is SO THE NORM for a working mom with a family – there were times [weeks] when we felt we were going through the motions – here’s some ideas that helped us during those years – hubs and i made an effort to eat lunch together weekly to discuss life – dreams – and yes, the calendar [may not be doable for y’all if there’s a long commute, but you might could do with phone time] and we took short [never more than two hours away] little weekend trips [we’re campers, but hoteled it some too] every month to six weeks as a family to JUST BE, and finally – the crockpot can be a good friend – and also the cookbook – Desperation Dinners [30 minute meals] – LOVE IT still… hang in there – take all the time you need for YOU – and know that we all know you and your family must come first!
Good for you!! I decided long ago that I will only post while inspired…otherwise I just continually feel this.unending pressure which makes me hate it. It’s supposed to be a place to release creative bursts, not suffocate!
Oh sweet Tara….you are not alone. No one has their shit together, even it appears that way in cyberland. It’s a matter of keeping the madness contained enough not to hyperventilate…or at least that’s what I tell myself. I’ve been battling depression lately, had a fall season that kicked me flat on my ass, and I’m so sick of feeling like “I HAVE TO” blog. I seem to forget sometime that there are no “rules” I must adhere to with owning a business. I can make the call. Therefore I decided to reclaim my life for the time-being, like yourself…although I have yet to share it on the blog just yet. Just know you are not alone, dear friend.
Oh Tara, take all the time you need. Like you, I am on the mend from a HORRIBLE bout of being sick. Worst I’ve felt in years. Forced me to just stop everything and be…well, sick. Get to feeling better, love!!
I’m right there with you… it seems that I’ll never catch up, never stop running. I’m glad you’re taking the time to slow down!
I saw something on pinterest the other day to the effect that we should compare our realities to everyone elses highlight reels. We all struggle, some more privately than others. We went from eating out 5 nights a week to whole nutrition, gluten free, dairy free, organic eating and it was hard. But so worth it. Sometimes I miss the convenience of our old eating but NOT how we felt. We feel amazing now, so worth the effort. Buy a juicer, it will fill in the gaps as you make changes and you’ll feel so much better after just the first day. Watching the documentary fat sick and nearly dead can be a great motivator for juicing. One step, one choice at a time. We are about to tackle homeschooling and I’m scared out of my mind. One day at a time….
Have you ever read “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron? It is fantastically inspiring and life saving.
I highly recommend it for anyone looking to reconnect with their artist self :)
I can so relate to where you are at. As a busy homeschooling mother of two that was doing 15 weddings a year I was knocked flat on my back with morning sickness with baby #3. I had weeks to think as I was laying in my bed sick and I knew things couldn’t go on like that with another little one on the way. I didn’t want to miss a moment of my new baby because I was busy designing albums and processing pictures. I ended up taking a two year maternity leave from weddings and have been figuring out how to simplify. The baby is now two and I feel like I can get back in the game without sacrificing time with my kids with the help of outsourcing everything I can. Makes me happy at home but still gives me time to go out and do what I love which is photograph others. Still learning balance but I am learning the key word to that is simplify! Good luck in your hunt for balance!
Oh Tara I am so sorry you’ve been sick! I totally hear you, I don’t know how everyone else does it either! What I do know is I only have 1 kid and you have 4 so, don’t be too hard on yourself! You have a very full plate. Life is busy, having young children is really busy. Enjoy this time of refreshing, can’t wait until you’re back!! xo
I’m so proud of you for taking this time! I’m in the same space—too much on my hips, in my house, in my life, and in my head.
my wise and kind therapist mom always told us never to compare our outsides to other people’s insides. it was a mantra in our house. she was right. as a photographer and as a person, you seem to write your own songs, do you own dances, and fill your plate up to the brim with so much realness and substance. stop looking, and do you thing, and may it bring you peace in the process. i think you have what so many of the perfectionist overachievers want. and i think so many people have more help than they are letting on. use your time to take care of the self that makes great art out of her life xo
I get you. I don’t want to be a faded tintype of myself, and yet that’s how I feel lately. One dimensional and colorless. But I know the picture came from somewhere real, and I know I can get back there again. Love to you.
tara, i’m so happy for you. take a break. leave it all behind. the internet and it’s people will be here when you return. until then, take care of yourself and do something crazy. :) -laurie
I know exactly how you feel. You can’t get this time back..the world doesn’t stop spinning..I wish you well and enjoy the time for you and your family. I’ll miss you!!XOXOXO
oh shit, tara, how do you always write what on my own mind? i was just an hour ago, sitting in the middle of my epically messy playroom trying to put things back together, pitying myself for how i still haven’t even gotten our house back together after christmas, thinking of how i don’t even know how it will ever be back together again, thinking of the billions of things other mothers seem to be doing that i am most definitely NOT doing, thinking of bills on my back, EVERYTHING that is burying me and then i read this and i know that at least i am not alone… that there is another mom out there (who is actually a really awesome mom, person, photographer, ETC) who is thinking something similar.
can’t wait to see your new branding and see you in my google reader again when you’ve caught your breath! xoxo
January is going to be so good to you! I hope you experience it in slow mo. Xoxox
good to know it isn’t just me.
thanks for being real.
Good for you for taking a break & refocusing your talents & energy where they are the most important. I hope you can find the peace & true joy that comes from living fully. Your words are so inspiring & have me reevaluating how I’m spending my own time. Thanks for sharing, & I’ll see you around Instagram. :)
Tara,
The only person you need to be is you. Just BE. You. Do YOU. Don’t worry about everyone else and the appearance of “making it.” Just focus on being Tara. Being in the moment. No matter who it looks or doesn’t look. Just take a deep breath, and be.
Love you!
Shelly
And I was beating myself up thinking, how do people do all this AND work full-time? I love January, just because it makes us stop and think and re-evaluate.
But I really came back to comment because I gotta say—the iphone photo that Jeff took of you in your favorite scarf: AWESOME PHOTO!
Take your time. We’ll be here when you get back.
Go. Come back when you know it’s time. We’ll be here. And we’re there for you in silence, while you move toward becoming more of You.