when all the big kids go to school its just me and my little muffin. (aka little chicken, banana, annabelle, belle, belly. kind of fun to call some of those out at the park and see what kind of looks i get). normally we putz around in the morning while i get some work done and she watches cartoons, plays her gameboy, fiddles around with her room, or gets her anna basket off the shelf in my office and sits next to me to get some work done of her own. usually some sort of combination of all of those fun things.
in september thats all going to change. because of kindergarten.
my last little duckling is going to kindergarten. next year.
now let me just tell you, i never thought i would get to this point. eight years ago when i had three under four in diapers and i had an assembly line set up on the carpet of our san fernando valley home for diaper changes, and my head was a blur of naps, clothing changes, cheerios, car seats (THREE OF THEM IN A HONDA CIVIC), not having enough money, being too far away from family, teletubbies, needing more help than i could actually get, breastfeeding, being lonely and unsatisfied, hating the rental we lived in, and in general feeling sorry for myself and wishing i could fast forward to the time THEY WERE ALL FINALLY IN SCHOOL, i never thought i would make it. like, literally.
until they slowly got more and more independent, and we added our last babe to the mix, and we moved and bought our first house and then our second, and things settled into a crazy kind of rhythm that we now call our life.
the days moved quickly from dazed and lonely to what we have now. and even though everyone, every single mom i came across, told me to cherish the days when they were little, that it goes too fast and before you know it they are graduating from college, of course i didnt. i couldnt. well, i did. i did. as much as i could. i love babies. i love breastfeeding. i love being kicked from the inside. i love toddlers and exploring and showing them new things. i love baby voices and pudgy hands. i love messy spaghetti faces. i love the diaper waddle. the belly sticking out over the top of it, dimpled knees running as fast as they can below it. i loved my babies with everything i had. fiercely. i just never could appreciate what i had and how i would feel when it was gone. you never can.
now i have two almost teenagers, one elementary kid, and then this little muffin of mine, almost in kindergarten.
all of our friends who are the same age as us are just starting on the path to parenthood. and i sit here, with all of my little hooligans, just wishing i could go back, even for one hour, and hold and breastfeed and cuddle, and change and feed and bathe, and talk to and teach, the little ones they once were.
but we cant go back can we?
and that is why, as i see their lives racing past me, beyond me, away from me, i cling to every little second they will give me of their childhood. and i once again restructure my life and re prioritize my time, and why i constantly strive for that balance. because im not perfect. and i do get tired. and i do want them to just go to sleep already, isnt it bedtime yet?
but under all of that, they are my world. and they will always be.
(the cute bedding on anna’s bed is from kukunest, a company owned by teri dimalanta who also owns giddygiddy. mckenna and anna fight over who gets the pillow sham. and of course you know im all about the polka dots. the book however, i cant link to. its from a garage sale in utah)
you summed it up perfectly. i can so relate to this post! i had four in diapers and felt the same way. and now, with four teenagers, i miss the babies oh so much. but at least there will be grandchildren!:)
and just curious: what lens did you shoot these with? it almost looks like a fisheye…
amen. as i read, with tears in my eyes cause this is my life right now, as many agreed. i have two daughters, one 11 and the other 14. i feel like i have a hold of them by their fingertips. i am trying so very hard to hang on, and still let them fly at the same time. wow. i love their independence, their strength, even if sometimes it comes back to knock me in the gut, then the heart. but i miss every little mispoken word that i never corrected cause is was just too cute, the pudgy toes that were so dirty from playing out side that when i would scrub in the bath and they would giggle cause it is too “tickyly”, blanket forts that would cover the entire living room but we would leave it up for a couple days… that is the good stuff. thanks for sharing tara.
My littlest one is six. I haven’t packed away the baby dolls, toy foods, and puppets she no longer plays with. I can’t bear to admit that those days are gone. She’d rather curl up with a book, draw a detailed floorplan of her dream house, climb the tree in our yard, or play board games with friends. The days of pretend play are fading. It is so sad! Your post is really timely for me. I’m feeling so much of the same things these days.
o.k. tara – thanks for making me cry. thanks a lot! :)
my youngest goes to kindergarten this fall as well. i am so sad. i have been sad for a year. i was getting my brows done today (my only beauty indulgence) and told the gal i was happy they were out for the summer. she has no kids and couldn’t understand why. i said “cuz i like them with me!”….pathetic…don’t get me wrong, though, i always enjoy “my time” too.
we’ll all be sad together, come fall!!
–janice
I couldnt of said it better — I have four children 2 almost teenagers, my elemetary kid, and my baby who graduated from pre-k and running to kindergarden. that is how it was and is today.. thanks for making my day… and the flood of memories i got from reading this.
You got that just right!! I’m a bit ahead of you, I have a nearly 20 year old, an 18 year old and my baby will be turning 12 in September and starting Senior School – where did the years go!!! Love them and appreciate them every day. Love the photos, fun ones to remember these last days before she starts kindergarten.
thank you I needed that reminder as my 2nd of 4 is heading off to kindergarten and I am amuck with breastfeeding diapers and yogurt drinks and trying to cherish these moments that will be gone all too soon… as I see my long legged 7yr old heading off to grade 2 next year. thanks
your post made me go give a hug to my critters (twins who are 4 1/2). i mean i hug ’em, all the time and they actually hate it but this time, it was a little deeper, a little softer and a little longer. thanks for the wonderful post and to remind me that it goes by SO fast. loved a peak at your little muffin – and what a beautiful muffin she is!
I know! My babies are getting too big too fast. My youngest are ten now. Maybe I should get a fourth, and at least have one at the same age as my friend’s kids. Or maybe not. It is nice to sleep…
oh, tara. i feel you. mine is going to kindergarten in the fall too. i have literally shed tears about it. i can’t believe how fast the time went by. but, you are right. we adapt and change, etc. i would give anything to go back too. i love the new bedding on anna’s bed. what did you do with the old tree bedding? i loved it and would kill for it. :)
me too.
okay, so I admire you from a distance. I think we could be friends. I love your picture OPAM wall (the one with 9 photos) and want to make one myself. But your post today made me cry. I have a 1 and 4 year old and want to bottle up the feeling I get when I hold them. But i dont know how and it makes me sad. You seem like a great mom, friend and decorator.
Tears in my eyes here! You’re killing me………I feel the same way except my oldest is going to first grade next year…..I want to freeze time!
thanks you for this. a reminder i need every once in awhile, they grow fast. i think my baby needs a cuddle right now, gotta go : )
I know exactly how you feel. My oldest will be in first grade this year and my youngest is going into pre-k three days a week. They are 18 months apart so when they were young it was tough and I did always dream about what it would be like when they were more self-suffcient. Now I would do anything just to go back to when they were tiny and push pause just for a little while. They grow up so fast and before you know they will be 18 and not need us anymore. I am trying to be more aware of that on the days when I want to scream and pull all of the hairs out of my head and I am trying to enjoy every single moment I have with them! Her bedding is so cute! Love the polka-dots!
Wow. That was beautiful and kind of captured how I feel at the moment as I look towards my oldest starting kindergarten in the fall – and being pregnant at the same time. It brought a couple tears to my eye. I am trying to savor…
You’ve made me all goosebumpy and teary…..So, So true for me too!….
What are you doing making me cry first thing in the morning??? Thanks, that was beautiful. (ps. this is exactly why I don’t scrap “in order” or even scrap all my pics. So that I *CAN* go back to that wonderful/tired/cranky/blissful time and relive it all over again.) Really Tara…..thanks!
Hey — I was born/raised in The Valley (Van Nuys)! And, I love the black&white photo!
That second one is the cutest in the world! I mean, they are all cute but love that viewpoint. And don’t I know about babies growing up… be like me and have another one (jk;)
Oh Tara, it’s just too true, isn’t it? That’s why (even though I’m not really a country kind of girl), I just LOVE this song by Trace Adkins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SAFk0j-f4c), it’s too true…even for our kids! (I so remember that I couldn’t wait until I was out of High School…but you can’t go back to that time in your life….) The Trace Adkins song just gives me chills.
two weeks away from my due date with baby number three which will give us three babies under three and your post made me cry. i am trying desperately to cherish these last days of pregnancy knowing it’s my last. i’m trying not to freak out about three in diapers. i’m trying to write as much down as possible so i don’t forget this time in my life. but it’s hard. it’s hard to slow down when you’re chasing two toddlers around all day and trying to run your own business. it’s hard to love the baby that kicks all night and bruises my ribs without just wishing he’d come out already. but i’m trying. trying my best. thanks for reminding me to keep trying.
Man can I relate to this post today. We have a week and a half left of school, then I’ll officially have a 2nd grader, a Kindergartener, and a PreSchooler starting in the Fall. I’m feeling it, my babies are growing up. And when you are tired and your husband is working late again, it is hard to enjoy it all sometimes. You can’t get it back, but you do your best to soak in the good moments. It feels slow in the day to day, but it is going too fast.
well said Tara…I feel the same way..and now I have tears streaming down my face at work! LOL! :)
Oh my Tara….that last one ROCKS!!! The stories you tell girl. You are so honest…I love that! Makes me wanna cry…my baby will start pre-school in the fall!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!!
I am in the same place! My baby is going to kindergarten in the fall, too. I am going to be so lonely. He is my lil’ buddy. I so enjoy the time we get to spend together, I am really gonna miss him.
I know how you feel about the breast feeding and baby cuddling, I miss it, too. Back when my girls were little (they are 9 and 10) it seemed like life would always be poopy diapers and snotty noses. Boy it has flown by quickly. Sometimes I just wish I could freeze time and keep them small.
I was 21 when I had my first, so I know what you mean about everyone just starting to have babies at our age now. Many of my friends are a good 10+ years older than I am, so they were starting their families when they were in their 30s. I also have tons of friends with wee little ones right now… makes me want to have just one more.
I cherish every moment of time I have with my kiddos, even though life is crazy… I wouldn’t want it any other way!
Have to post on this one be/c it brought tears to my eyes. I am in the middle of raising little ones – a six year old, two year old and a newbie who’s just 4 weeks old. I thank you for writing this be/c I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy this time and not wish it away….and your writing was a wonderful reminder to me that some people wish to go back and do it all over again so I should cherish it while I’m in it. Thanks Tara. And BTW – you are beautiful, hope you start believing that.
Tara, Thank you for the beautiful entry. The time your little ones spend at home is absolutely precious. The magic that is hugs, kisses, cuddles, Crayola crayons, freshly shampooed hair & snuggling up with a book at bedtime is fleeting. Even during the tough “mommy” moments(-the moments that we all question our own sanity) my heart breaks at the thought that some day in the not-so-distant future, that magic will be nothing more that a treasured memory. Thank you for the reminder that each hour of each day is a gift.
I recently found your blog, and it’s awesome! Love those photos!!
And with 3 kids under 5 yrs old, I can totally relate. I remind myself daily to slow down and enjoy it. But until I win the lottery so I can afford a maid, cook and accountant…it’ll be a struggle to balance, ya know? Have fun with your babies… ;)
ok, i feel dumb. i’ve been spying on your blog because a)i love your work and b)your spirit just shines. i read this post and started crying. i had three under three when my baby was born (he’s 1 now). i attended my oldest daughters graduation from preschool this afternoon. i am secretly beyond excited about her going to kindergarden and i too look forward to a time when all of them will be in school. i keep thinking maybe then i will regain my sanity. thank you for the reminder! all three of my little monkeys are getting extra cuddle time with mommy today because of a strangers beautiful message!
Tara, I just wanted to say that I have been reading your blog for a while now and I just adore your photography and also your reality. After reading your post on how the little ones grow up so fast, my 3rd one will be going to K in one more year and it just made me want to cry thinking about how my other 2 are getting older and more grown up, but also more and more fun to be around. Life is just different! I so enjoy watching my 4 year old explore and try to do what her brother and sister are doing. But there are also days that I would love to go back to the baby days of breastfeeding and even back to having them move around in my stomach. Now, I just get to enjoy my brother’s little ones, which I do! I just want to say thank you for being so honest, because we know that we all go through the hard times and it gives us some sort of comfort to know that we are not the only ones. Thank you again!!!
getting teary here:)…perfect post for any mom, but my friend just had her fourth & her first turned four in march…hello crazy…so i’m going to send her this if for no other reason than to know that someone else got through it & tried to appreciated it as much as you can when life is a crazy blur…thanks tara i love it when you reminisce:)
love, love, love your work. someday i will be out to california to see you. i just have a question about the frame over anna’s bed. is that an old window frame?? i have a bunch sitting at my house that i want to use, but i’m just still not sure what exactly to do with them…
Along with the other 500 comments, I always read and never comment, but I couldn’t pass this one up. You worded it perfectly and made me want to CHERISH my little ones (3,1, one on the way)… Thank you for this, I needed it today :)
Let me assure you, Tara…My kids are now almost 21, 18, 16, and 12….and the teen years, while they always have their angst and their busy-ness, are wonderful. I sometimes miss those chubby little cheeks and actually holding one of the kids and having them melt into you, and knowing all the parts of their little bodies as if they are an extension of your own…and breastfeeding, which I always cherished….but these years when they are growing into real adult people are amazing…it’s just amazing to see the fruits of all your efforts. The give-and-take is very satisfying, and being able to share life on a more equal level is awesome. While I miss those little open-mouthed messy kisses and sweet smelling heads, I really wouldn’t go back. I’m so enjoying my big kids, and watching the people they are becoming. I’ll savor the sweetness of little people again someday when I have grandkids. Trust me, you’ll love this stage when you get there.
See, I went through all of that 3 years ago. My last little baby off to school. I miss hanging out together, watching all those kids shows together, just having my little shadows around (her brother went of the year before). Now my biggest baby is turning 14 and off to highschool in September. I’ll have one there, one in middle school and 2 in elementary. And all 4 of them will never be at the same school again. I remember 4 years ago when my eldest turned 10 like it was yesterday…does that mean 4 years from now when he turns 18 will feel like tomorrow? Scarey stuff. And like you, most of my friends have little kids. Do you know what I miss most? Chubby little arms and cheeks. Arms that cling and hug and hold and those little cheeks for kissing and kissing. At the same time, I don’t know if I could go back to all that baby stuff.
Oh Tara, that was so heartfelt, and so SPOT.ON.! I only have the one, even though I dreamed of having a large family. I, too, was told to cherish the time when she was little but I was (am) a single parent, juggling everything to just keep a roof over our heads, so she was always in pre-school care, after-school care, holiday camp, you name it. Now she’s 17 but she sent me a post she did recently about all the things she remembers about her childhood and nearly all of those things were to do with things we did together, which went a long way to relieving my guilt!! Loving the pics of Anna ;)
the tears welled up. thank you for reminding me to treasure all these moments. thank you
What a wonderfully bittersweet post–LOVE! Signed, a mom who knows what it’s like to have a huge Britax Marathon in a Honda Civic (2 door! LOL).
Ok, ok… you all remind me to just STOP and enjoy… I have a 3 yr old and a 9 mo. old. I still get to enjoy the breast feeding and the littleness of my little ones. Thanks for encouraging me to enjoy those precious moments. Oh… and T… you’re welcome to borrow my little ones any time you want ;-) Of course I’ll be wanting them back so that I can continue to enjoy them too!!
That just about made me cry because my son is 4 and my daughter is 2 and working a full time job and doing photography full time as well is keeping me away from them during the most precious times in their life. I do get time with them during the week as I get off at 5 and believe it or not I do make time for them on the weekends between Weddings and regular family/children/engagement sessions. People tell me all the time they do not see how I manage it all, and honestly I don’t either, I just do it and keep moving. It has been my life dream to become an awesome photographer and because of my kids and you is why I did it, I just keep telling myself not much longer as I do plan to stay at home and leave my daily full time job at the end of this year so I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, it just can not get here soon enough. I realize life is short so I do treasure every moment I’m with my husband and kids because you’re right, everything ends up being about them – they are our world for sure!! I tell you what though, my family has been so supportive with me starting up my photography business, my husband has become a Mr. Mom and as much as I hate leaving them on the weekends, I sure do love it when they run out the house in just their underwear/diaper and run to me in the driveway for a big long hug – yelling MOMMY, the whole way!!! I can’t imagine those moments being gone for good………..
I need to send you some photos of my little girl; red hair, blue eyes, 27 months old, 18lbs and wears 12 month cloths still – you’d love her – just adorable. Of course my son is a blonde hair/blue eyes, easy going – he is precious as well. My daughter just has such a unique look that everyone notices………
Would love to send you some photos I’ve done recently as I’ve been striving for the same style photos you take and I am still not as good as you but your work has inspired me for years and because of you, I feel like I have finally found myself and my style – did a session at an old run down high school Monday and I was all over it, I know you would have loved it yourself. Such a good spot and so glad the couple picked it!!
Anyhoo, keep up the awesome work, take care!
are you trying to make me cry??
You’re killing me. I can hardly see to type through the tears. I actually sobbed a couple of times, or gasped, or some weird noise escaped my mouth. You wrote what I will write–or think–in two years. Everyone keeps asking me if I am signing the girls up for summer camps or classes this summer and I say no, I am keeping them with me all summer and we are going to do so much stuff, just stuff–stuff because Piper starts kindergarten this fall and I can feel the time slipping away-like everyone says-and I want to savor this time. And thank you thank you thank you for reminding me, we all need to be reminded to do this.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Tara, that is so so true! My oldest will go to kindergarten next year too and she can’t wait. Thankfully I have a new baby in my womb (#2) and I’ll be able to cherish a newborn again, although I’m sure I’ll have those moments when I will just want her to be a big girl already – specially the sleep part, you remember that?
Anyway, I’ve been a reader of yours for a long time. First time commenting though. I love your work!
I’ve been a stay at home mommy for almost 12 years now! With three boys and a girl. :) (11b, 10b, 7b, &5g) Your post made my heart skip. It’s crazy how fast it all goes, and now all my babies will be in school all day everyday. It just made me stop and think, how much i want to hold on to this summer, and never let it go. Thanks for sharing.
great color… love the toes!
Dots!!! Dots!!!! Those should come in king size. You know, I stare at my kids all the time. I can’t get enough of them. I want to never forget every little wrinkle. And then, they are changing right before me so slightly. Then you hug your little boy and find yourself saying, “what is that smell? it can’t be ARMPIT BODY ODOR???”” That’s the first stab.
hi tara,
i just love what you wrote. it is truly amazing. i remember when my first son was 3 weeks old and my husband and i left the house for a little while (with my son in Grandma’s care) to attend a wedding reception and an acquaintance of mine said to me that she wishes she could go back for ‘just one day’…to relive when her babies were babies. and i, in my hormonal, overwhelmed state, couldn’t even fathom what she was talking about. but now, that that same 3-week old baby is just about to turn 6, i could just weep. what i wouldn’t give to go back and enjoy him more, savor him as a baby more, when he was my only child and it was so easy, yet i thought it was so hard. but you are right, we can’t go back…we can only move forward. i am wiser for having experienced it and hope i can share that wisdom with others as you have done here. i hope you know what an inspiration you are to me.
your pics are beautiful (as always). i just had to comment today, on a day i feel completely overwhelmed with my 3 year old and 11 month old…i know i will miss these little moments, if i don’t embrace each and every one while it’s right in front of me…thanks for your perspective!
Oh my goodness, I am so feeling you on every single thing that you said in your post. I have been at the point with my first daughter where I tried to rush things along. though I loved her VERY much, I was just too young. I was a single mom, and I was always looking to the future, trying to rush things, instead of enjoying the present. This is why I really feel like it’s so much better to not rush and have children too young. Because, and I’m not saying this is the case for everyone, but it has been my experiences and the experiences of a lot of people I know, that a lot of times, you just are not “settled” enough to truly enjoy the ride. I had my first daughter when I was barely 22. ALL of my friends were single, and while they didn’t really party, per se, they did have every kind of freedom in the world. And it was the hardest thing for me. I pushed my daughter off on my parents a lot (though I was with her most every day all day) so I wouldn’t have to miss out. Otherwise I felt cut off from the rest of the world. Isolated, alone, sad, broke, single, depressed. Though I loved my daughter with all that I had. So anyway, long comment, but I totally feel you on this one!! :)
I love all of those pictures that you took from that barn place! My kinda place.
And the pictures of your little muffin are adorable!! I’m loving the polka dots too! I was totally drawn to the pics with the polka dots in them.
Amber