when all the big kids go to school its just me and my little muffin. (aka little chicken, banana, annabelle, belle, belly. kind of fun to call some of those out at the park and see what kind of looks i get). normally we putz around in the morning while i get some work done and she watches cartoons, plays her gameboy, fiddles around with her room, or gets her anna basket off the shelf in my office and sits next to me to get some work done of her own. usually some sort of combination of all of those fun things.
in september thats all going to change. because of kindergarten.
my last little duckling is going to kindergarten. next year.
now let me just tell you, i never thought i would get to this point. eight years ago when i had three under four in diapers and i had an assembly line set up on the carpet of our san fernando valley home for diaper changes, and my head was a blur of naps, clothing changes, cheerios, car seats (THREE OF THEM IN A HONDA CIVIC), not having enough money, being too far away from family, teletubbies, needing more help than i could actually get, breastfeeding, being lonely and unsatisfied, hating the rental we lived in, and in general feeling sorry for myself and wishing i could fast forward to the time THEY WERE ALL FINALLY IN SCHOOL, i never thought i would make it. like, literally.
until they slowly got more and more independent, and we added our last babe to the mix, and we moved and bought our first house and then our second, and things settled into a crazy kind of rhythm that we now call our life.
the days moved quickly from dazed and lonely to what we have now. and even though everyone, every single mom i came across, told me to cherish the days when they were little, that it goes too fast and before you know it they are graduating from college, of course i didnt. i couldnt. well, i did. i did. as much as i could. i love babies. i love breastfeeding. i love being kicked from the inside. i love toddlers and exploring and showing them new things. i love baby voices and pudgy hands. i love messy spaghetti faces. i love the diaper waddle. the belly sticking out over the top of it, dimpled knees running as fast as they can below it. i loved my babies with everything i had. fiercely. i just never could appreciate what i had and how i would feel when it was gone. you never can.
now i have two almost teenagers, one elementary kid, and then this little muffin of mine, almost in kindergarten.
all of our friends who are the same age as us are just starting on the path to parenthood. and i sit here, with all of my little hooligans, just wishing i could go back, even for one hour, and hold and breastfeed and cuddle, and change and feed and bathe, and talk to and teach, the little ones they once were.
but we cant go back can we?
and that is why, as i see their lives racing past me, beyond me, away from me, i cling to every little second they will give me of their childhood. and i once again restructure my life and re prioritize my time, and why i constantly strive for that balance. because im not perfect. and i do get tired. and i do want them to just go to sleep already, isnt it bedtime yet?
but under all of that, they are my world. and they will always be.
(the cute bedding on anna’s bed is from kukunest, a company owned by teri dimalanta who also owns giddygiddy. mckenna and anna fight over who gets the pillow sham. and of course you know im all about the polka dots. the book however, i cant link to. its from a garage sale in utah)
Amen sistah.
I’m up the road from you in Las Flores and it’s true in this area that people our age are just barely having babies and we’ve got 5 kids under 6. Not many people can relate to having a gazillion kids and being happy about it. I’m always asked if I’m anxious for them to get out of the house and get on to school….NO WAY! I want them to be little for always….until 7pm and then it’s bed time. Oh yeah, and until they throw baseball sized toilet paper spit wads over the stair railing at each other. (Daddy only teaches the good stuff obviously)…hen they can grow up, but only until they come snuggle and kiss me to say their sorry *sigh* then I like them little. Pudgy little toes, dirty faces and soft skin on the back of their neck.
I love your work…Someday you’ll have to take our pictures. After we’re all done with diapers I’ll start my photo fund.
she is such a cute muffin!
absolutely love all of them, my favorite is her under the sheets – you are so clever!
i try to capture the moment with my kiddos too.
these photos are such a treasure tara!
she’s such a sweet beautiful girl…and no,
we can’t go back, even though I WISH i could,
I did make sure to cherish that time when they were
so little and things were crazy. I only had 2 that were 19 months
apart but they were demanding! i enjoyed every second and i STILL
wish i could go back for more of it. i miss them being little.
photos like these can bring you to your knees in about 10-15 years!
you are a wonderful momma…keep loving your babes. and sharing these
wonderful moments, i LOVE to see these!
tara
Oh, Tara, I know exactly how you feel! I had 3 kids in 5 1/2 years and it was so many years of diapers and nursing and sleep deprivation – it all blurs together because you’re in survival mode for most of the time and then, in a blink, it’s just over. My youngest goes to kindy in the fall, too. :(
There are so many times I wish I could go back and enjoy a certain moment just a little longer. As much as I miss some of those stages I do really appreciate my 10 & 8 year old for their independance, humor, silliness,& fierce loyalty to one another. Next year mine will be at different schools and I think their world will change way more than they know.
Awesome series of photos!
I couldn’t agree more! You make me smile…your daughter makes me smile…I love your blog!! My daughter is entering Kindergarten in the fall, too. Yesterday, she said, “Mommy, I want to be a big kid”, and I said “but I love you just the way you are”, and she said “with my little hands” (as she pressed her palm against mine). I love to hold her sweet little hands, with the chipped nail polish and the wrinkly “sucking” thumbs. These days are a whirlwind…but it is moments like this that I can latch on to, so that it all seems to slow down just a little!! Thank you for continuing to inspire me!!
LOVe that pedding! well said, couldn’t agree with you more as I prepare for my baby to start pre-K next school term. They do not stay babies for long!! :)
Stop it! You’re making me cry. I’m sending me first off to kindergarten this fall, and I’m not looking forward to sending my last. Well, okay, that’s not always true. But when I look at it from a distance, I don’t want them to grow up!
Ah, Tara…
I sit here exhausted after a day out, while on vacation at the beach, feeling much the same way as you about mine. They have driven me NUTS this trip…I’ve yelled at them, threatened them, whacked their bottoms a couple of times and vowed that I won’t take them on another trip until their older. But in the mix of all that “fun” stuff, they’ve been too cute catching fish in plastic pails, screaming over dolphins breaching and asking me which green house is my dream house on the beach. It’s amazing how they can exasperate you so and then completely bowl you over with how amazing they are and how much you love them. Minute to minute some days. Ok, I’m off to see if either of mine is actually napping. Btw, how do you ever step foot on a beach and not get sand all over you? We put one foot on the beach and it’s EVERYWHERE…
Yup, I hear my youngest who claimed she was so tired in there talking to her…um, foot. UGH!
My baby is getting ready for school too.
Here in NJ they do a half day of preschool.
We go to register tomorrow.
OH Tara I have one and can relate! He never slept.. (well he did.. but only for 7 – 15 mins at a time.. 24/7 for 15 months)… LOL.. whilst I still tried to work 35 hours a week from home. He was allergic to baby formula we think. I spent the first portion of his life saying “this too shall pass”..lol But he goes to school in Jan (we have a different school year). wahhhhh I just adore him and every second is precious (well it has been since he was 2 and we sorted out those allergies..hahaha).. soak them up.. and hope we do a good enough job that they come back and love us between the best years of their life.
Is it wrong to partially want kids because of all the cute stuff you can indulge in “for them”?? ;) That bedding is the cutest! Another awesome post.
Tara…..I sooooo needed to hear that. Just this morning while trying to get together to hang out with some friends and allow my oldest to play some friends….i had a baby asleep. I must say I got a little down. I am the only one with young kiddos. I was thinking stupid infertility issues…….if not for that I would have older kids. I needed this to snap out of it!!!! What am I thinking. I am blessed to even have babies and here I am acting like a SELFISH dummy. I love my girls with all my heart and AM PROUD TO HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AS THEIR MOMMY!
um, you just made me tear up. my youngest is 2, oldest 7, two in between and I so feel it…even though I still have a chubby footed (you forgot that one) diaper belly. sigh….
Tara,I LOVE your work and your blog.I had to comment today,because everything you wrote about today seriously could’ve come straight from my own mouth!I so get where you’re coming from,but you reminded me to cherish the last few months I have of breastfeeding my 9 month old baby girl.I can hardly believe my older ones are 9,7,and 4 already.
Oh, this post touched me beyond words.
While I only have one child, she will be 13 in just a few short months. She is almost as tall as me, she can almost wear the same size shoes as me and everyday she pulls away from me a little more. While I know this is the way it should be, it hurts my heart. I look at her and I think “Who the hell are you and what have you done with my baby?!” I wish I could go back for just one day, to when she was 3 years old and wanted nothing that to snuggle with me on the couch and watch Little Bear. Life goes by so quickly that we can’t seem to stop for a few seconds and just appreciate what we have right here, right now. We can only see it after it’s slipped by us at 100 miles per hour.
I love these pictures of your daughter. That bedding is too perfect and she is the cutest little thing ever. That gap in her front teeth is to die for. :)
I totally get this.
Because there were four years between each of my kids, I was home with babies or toddlers or preschoolers for fourteen years straight. I had a really tough time when the baby finally went off to kindergarten. Now when I miss those baby days, I look at videos or I borrow my friend’s children. I get my fix of sweetness & then send them home – both mommies happier.
Oh my cotton socks, do I know that feeling. I would do anything for just one day. One single day with each of my babies, to do nothing but sit on the couch and cuddle their little warm bodies, smell their little heads, kiss their chubby cheeks, nibble their baby toes.
A whole day to ignore the dishes, to leave the laundry, to just order a pizza…to bliss out with my little one.
It does go by far too quickly-truer words have never been spoken.
Me being the emotional mess I am these days (ready to have baby 3 ANY day!!!) had tears running down my face while reading this post! Such important advice…to enjoy every minute of it. They grow so fast! We spend so much time worrying about the daily grind, that we all too often forget to REALLY enjoy the fleeting moments that make motherhood SO worthwhile! This is my last baby (knock on wood), and I’ve made the vow to lower my expectations about the house, and the yard and all that I want to accomplish to simply sit, and play and “be” with the kids! All the other stuff will get done in it’s own time!
I always read your blog, but I have never commented…until today. This post literally brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to every single thing you wrote. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your life with us. I love it (in a non-creepy way).
You have such a gift for storytelling. For this reason, I love reading your personal posts. Truly.
You know how you feel when a good book ends or the season finale of your favorite tv show? That’s how I feel when I reach the end of a post. One day when you are sitting home alone (because all your kids are in school) yous should start writing a book. A book about life. Please…?
This made me tear up, and smile at the same time. :)
I love the vintage Mother Goose book. Has it been passed down through the family?
Oh, I know, time really does pass so quickly. But when you are IMMERSED in the craziness of newborns and toddlers and the craziness that entails, it is hard to really embrace it.
I find it much easier to embrace Bryson, because the big boys are BIG and I have just one little one to keep track of. I can not imagine that in 3 years my baby will be off to Kindergarten. Too fast, too soon.
It is great you take so many pictures to capture the memories.
No she is not going to Kindergarten! She is going to stay our little muffin forever!!! PLEASE just Anna, can I just have Anna stay this age forever. Please…
Love the shots and this is new bedding? Love it, I want it for my room.
Just over 8 years ago we had 3 under 4 too! My eldest just turned 12. where did it go? I like them this age though, so much fun…
amazing words and wisdom tara
Thanks for this – it’s such a great reminder (as I’m wiping the tears away)! We have 4 and man does it go by fast! Yesterday my 5 year old kissed my cheek and it made me think in no time at all he’ll be much too busy to worry about kissing his mommy on the cheek. It also made me realize there is nothing more important than spending time with them!
My mom said that exact same thing to me the other day. She said, “I wish I could have you and your brother back as babies just for one day”. I really do try and appreciate my little guy being little everyday. But, it’s hard when you get busy with life. Thank you for the advice. You rock, Tara!
Oh wow, this made me so sad, but in a good way. I feel all of those feelings as well, but mine are only just5 and nearly 4. But I miss those baby days soooo much and wish so badly that I could start all over again! Oh and I can’t believe you are going to change the spot at the top of the stairs, I LOVE that spot :) Can’t wait to see what you come up with though!
OMG your post brought tears to my eyes. And that’s because I am totally right there with you. My youngest is going to Kinder in August. Just like you there were months were I didn’t think I would make it either. I have 3 wonderful children, ages 7, 6 and 4. They all turn a year older this summer. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish for one more time to go through each of their lives again from the beg. I think every mom feels that way. One sec we can’t wait for them grow up and becomg more independant and the next we want them to be infants again. Just remember, hopefully they’ll be another chance for babies when you become a grandma!
Cherish THESE days too! My babies are now 18 and 21 and dh reminded us all at dinner tonight that we have less than 60 days – SIXTY – until the youngest goes away to school as well. I have no longing to return to those crazy days of young parenthood – but I LOVED every minute of it – every step of the way. And tonight as we sat at the table, lingered really, and shared together for about an hour after we’d finished eaten I was once again reminded that the stage I’m in is always the best. [And hey, I always have TONS of photos to go back and enjoy those little baby, pre-k and school-age moments…] ~ J
I know exactly how you feel – my ‘baby’ started school this year :o( I just want to bottle my kids as they are right now… but then they grow, and I want to bottle them at THAT point of their lives… does it ever stop?
beautiful. thank you.
Wow! What a treasure that book is and someone was selling it? These are awesome shots of bananas! I feel the same as you Belle. I want to go back just a little. My kids are at such a fun age right now, but I do want to go back. I don’t feel like our family is complete yet, but the timing hasn’t been right just yet to have another. The longing is sure there though. Thanks for this beautiful post sista! love you.
Oh I so couldn’t agree more Tara! My oldest is now learning to drive (she will be 16 in August)…two more years of high school…ahhhhhhh!
And my boys…boy do they grow fast…one 12 and one 10. But I love the silly times when we all laugh at an “inside” joke. Like when I told them they can’t say the word “ain’t”. They said “why not”. And I said…”because it is a bad word”. So for nearly an hour in the car, everytime someone said the word “it”, everyone started laughing uncontrollably and yelling…”It” is a bad word!
She’s so cute. I love the spunky attitude!
K- this post made me cry- your words are so true. With my littlest of 3 in kindergarten and my oldest just turned 10- i’ve been havin’ feelings i didn’t expect to feel again, or at least not quite this strongly; the longing for all that i allowed to whoosh past me when it was all right there in front of me. you’re right- we can’t go back…. i think I need a hug…
…oh, and congrats on the success of your 1st OPAM- i’m a ‘best intentions’ kinda girl too…maybe next month for me…
wow, tara! there are no words to describe how I feel after reading your most recent post! I’m pregnant with my second, my first being my 19 month old son! After reading I just want to go back into his room, pick him up out of his crib and rock him in the dark!!
Oh dear, you just made my heart ache. I have 5 children (ranging in age from 17 down to 1). You just wrote a story from the pages of my life too. I hang on to their baby-ness for dear life. On the days when they are driving me insane I cling to the little things they do every day that add joy to my existence. Know that all the wonderful things you do as a parent will leave a beautiful legacy for generations to come :)
Perfectly put, Tara. I am a young mom myself, with kiddos spaced far apart. My oldest just turned ten, my youngest and only girl, eight months. It is so fleeting and you’re so right when you say..tough to balance. Being a mom is the best job in the world, but definitely the toughest as well.
Can’t believe Anna is going into Kindergarten!
And on another note..I LOVE LOVE LOVE the look of your new blog. I visit every day just hoping for a glimpse into the rockin’ woman you are. Thank you for sharing your family and your work.
Lisa
Tara,
You seem to me, to be an amazing mother! I love your photography and how you display your art around your BEAUTIFUL home! Please visit OHIO soon :):)
I just got tears reading this. I feel the exact same way. My Chloe will be heading off to kindergarten this fall, too. My sweet baby girl. I’m not quite sure what I will do with myself around here without her. I guess I’ll adjust and move on and cherish the evenings and weekends and summer vacations!! ;)
loved your post, very fitting to read it on the same day that #1 had his last day of kindergarten, #2 was driving me insane & i only wanted to put it all on fast forward, & also pg with #3 before i have to have a hysterectomy at 29. it’s the everyone-screaming-in-the-car-and-broken-mcflurry-machine-days that make you want to escape but you know that soon enough you’d give anything to have one more day of them being little again….thanks for sharing such honest feelings. and you truly deserve all the success you have now, you’re a great mom and an amazing talent & even the earlier struggles must make these times that much sweeter :)
OK, make me bawl Tara! First, I loved the photos, the book, her big smile and everything about the ‘moment’ and then I go and read your post. Imagine being 46, your two kids are now 24 and 21 and there’s grandkids ….see where I’m going? I so get what you mean! Except, the pregnant part, that I can do without! ha! But everything else, it all happens way too fast them growing up…aaaaaaaahhhhhhh big sigh…
Reading this makes me cry. I have 3 under the age of 8 and am not quite to the point of the youngest going to Kindergarten, but everything you wrote is exactly how I feel and what I think. I know I need to cherish this time more but like you said, you just don’t. You do as much as you can but you can never cherish it all as much as you do when it’s gone. I felt so sad when I took my oldest to Kindergarten. I already had all three and I came home after dropping her off, walking down the path to our house with the other two and started sobbing thinking to myself how I would like to start it all over again. Have her as a baby again and do it all over but this time really cherish it, love it, remember it and not be longing for them “all to be in school”. Thanks for the post, it was a very nice read.
Tara, thank you. Thank you for your thoughts on motherhood. I’m sitting here, expecting my first child and I’m so excited. I want a baby now. In my arms. Thank you for the reminder to just enjoy the ride.
WOW! You touched my heart Tara. I am sitting here almost in tears cause my little muffin will start kindergarten in the fall. She’s so fun and I take my time with her for granted. Thanks for letting me remember what life is all about. Ok now I’m crying….. :) and thanks for being such a constant inspiration.
what a great post. I’m still in the thick of it…the little ones. the terrible twos are terrible. but I am trying to enjoy it. and I Looooooooooooved your phrase, “i love being kicked from the inside.” never heard it put quite that way before. so sweet.
amen.
i’ve never commented on your blog before, although i am an addicted reader of it. this one puts that uncomfortable lump in my throat.
i’m in the same boat. my fourth, by baby, will go to kindergarten next year and i find myself torn between jumping on the bed in sweet anticipation of finishing my architecture degree, and then dropping to my knees, trying to hold on to the view so close to the floor. it kind of hurts . . . in a new way.
so thanks. thanks for defining these moments for me. and oh — i about died when you came to utah. maybe i can catch you next time.
Okay seriously! Im so bawling my eyes out right now- and I’ve only had two beers:) heehee{hence the comment!:)} I have three kids under foot right now and just today I was yelling at them to stop bugging me! Sad…:( I am feeling for you now I can’t even emagine my youngest going to kindergarten-(even though I still want another one):)!!
Cheers Girl- cause I actaully really think this should be a celebration!! Right?!!