my little muffin

when all the big kids go to school its just me and my little muffin. (aka little chicken, banana, annabelle, belle, belly. kind of fun to call some of those out at the park and see what kind of looks i get). normally we putz around in the morning while i get some work done and she watches cartoons, plays her gameboy, fiddles around with her room, or gets her anna basket off the shelf in my office and sits next to me to get some work done of her own. usually some sort of combination of all of those fun things.

in september thats all going to change. because of kindergarten.

my last little duckling is going to kindergarten. next year.

now let me just tell you, i never thought i would get to this point. eight years ago when i had three under four in diapers and i had an assembly line set up on the carpet of our san fernando valley home for diaper changes, and my head was a blur of naps, clothing changes, cheerios, car seats (THREE OF THEM IN A HONDA CIVIC), not having enough money, being too far away from family, teletubbies, needing more help than i could actually get, breastfeeding, being lonely and unsatisfied, hating the rental we lived in, and in general feeling sorry for myself and wishing i could fast forward to the time THEY WERE ALL FINALLY IN SCHOOL, i never thought i would make it. like, literally.

until they slowly got more and more independent, and we added our last babe to the mix, and we moved and bought our first house and then our second, and things settled into a crazy kind of rhythm that we now call our life.

the days moved quickly from dazed and lonely to what we have now. and even though everyone, every single mom i came across, told me to cherish the days when they were little, that it goes too fast and before you know it they are graduating from college, of course i didnt. i couldnt. well, i did. i did. as much as i could. i love babies. i love breastfeeding. i love being kicked from the inside. i love toddlers and exploring and showing them new things. i love baby voices and pudgy hands. i love messy spaghetti faces. i love the diaper waddle. the belly sticking out over the top of it, dimpled knees running as fast as they can below it. i loved my babies with everything i had. fiercely. i just never could appreciate what i had and how i would feel when it was gone. you never can.

now i have two almost teenagers, one elementary kid, and then this little muffin of mine, almost in kindergarten.

all of our friends who are the same age as us are just starting on the path to parenthood. and i sit here, with all of my little hooligans, just wishing i could go back, even for one hour, and hold and breastfeed and cuddle, and change and feed and bathe, and talk to and teach, the little ones they once were.

but we cant go back can we?

and that is why, as i see their lives racing past me, beyond me, away from me, i cling to every little second they will give me of their childhood. and i once again restructure my life and re prioritize my time, and why i constantly strive for that balance. because im not perfect. and i do get tired. and i do want them to just go to sleep already, isnt it bedtime yet?

but under all of that, they are my world. and they will always be.

(the cute bedding on anna’s bed is from kukunest, a company owned by teri dimalanta who also owns giddygiddy. mckenna and anna fight over who gets the pillow sham. and of course you know im all about the polka dots. the book however, i cant link to. its from a garage sale in utah)