WE ARE OUR FACES – That time I (accidentally) shot b+w film in Palm Springs

This trip was a meaningful time for us, because Mckenna had recently moved into her group home. Friends of ours invited us to stay with them, and we did a lot of nothing and just enough somethings. We found good food, cold lukewarm pools, good drinks, and nature. We slept in, played video games in our room while drinking coffee, and stayed up late playing backgammon, trying to figure out if gummy bears REALLY taste different or if the colors trick our brain. I had time under umbrellas with a long time best friend while she nursed her toddler, dark walks through the hotel grounds with my husband to the cacophonous sound of cicadas, and lounge-y romantic hammock hangs. Twas quite the dreamy time.

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As mentioned in another post, I discovered an unknown black and white roll in my stash when I took film in to be developed last month.

“Sure enough, the black and white roll turned out to be the roll I shot in colorful Palm Springs. FULL OF COLOR Palm Springs. Where I shot specifically with all those colors in mind.  Could not be worse. Doomsday. Grieving certain shots I saw so vividly in color. Will share in another post. Along with the grief I am already laughing about this whole thing and sort of loving the results too, loving them FOR the mistake, for the lack of control I have. Loving that I can learn more about myself from the mishaps than the ones that easily make my heart beat harder.”

I legit grieve for that shot of the sky (blue) and the palms (green) and the block wall (white) and the bougainvillea (hot pink) and the trailer homes (pink), and also for the sunset bougainvillea leaves that had dropped onto the sunset grass. I feel totally ripped off because I remember certain shots so clearly, what I was moved by, and why I snapped the pic. AND I WANT THAT MEMORY TO HOLD IN MY HANDS. I have had to look at these with fresh eyes and let go of my expectation. Which is an important life lesson in general, and easier to practice on something like this.

When I did that, I saw shadows, lines, and shapes that I hadn’t noticed before. I dig the awkward feel of the flash hotel room photos. I love that it appears my husband is holding an old timey rifle when it is just a crack in the rock. I have come to love this group of photos in the same way I love the ugliest Noble Fir at Christmas. ‘I will love you even if no one else will. I will love you BECAUSE no one else will’. Maybe you will love them, too.

WE ARE OUR FACES – june & july 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a bowl by my front door that holds my used film canisters, while they wait for their ride to the lab. When I went to scoop up the summer batch and take them in, I was surprised at how little there were.

Only Four. Four little used film canisters were all that waited for me in that bowl.

Annoyance rushed over me, not believing that with everything we had done over the summer I had only managed to capture this much of it on film. Four measly rolls, I thought, pshhhhhhh. There should be more than that, I thought. One of them was black and white, and I realized with more annoyance that I hadn’t purposefully taken a roll of black and white, so that one was probably going to SUCK. Then I thought, screw it, oh well, and let the buzz of the unknown take the place of all that.

Sure enough, the black and white roll turned out to be the roll I shot in colorful Palm Springs. FULL OF COLOR Palm Springs. Where I shot specifically with all those colors in mind.  Could not be worse. Doomsday. Grieving certain shots I saw so vividly in color. Will share in another post. Along with the grief I am already laughing about this whole thing and sort of loving the results too, loving them FOR the mistake, for the lack of control I have. Loving that I can learn more about myself from the mishaps than the ones that easily make my heart beat harder.

But the ones that make my heart beat harder are just sweet as pie, and that’s all right.

Like the graduation field with my daughter looking up for us, my husband under the towel with my sons, my friend and her boys on the pier, the flags on the Woodie, my daughter in my hat with the tan lines on her back.

Sweet as pie and reminders that while I may not always get the moments I want on film, they are always there waiting for me. Lucky, lucky me.

 

LOVELY SISTERS \ BEACH FAMILY PORTRAIT SESSION

I am back home. Bali put a spell over me. The creative and cultural retreat that I went to there gave me so much. I don’t quite have the words to talk about it yet, so I am sharing some quick favorites from a beach portrait session to ease my way back in.

This was the last session before I left and the first one that I worked on when I got home. These lovely girls made me almost frantically inspired, along with all the laughter this family shared together. One of those sessions when I didn’t want the light to end.

Happy weekend!