Right now I am on the verge of something.

For a long time now – through 2009, 2010, and now into 2011 – I have been working toward change.  I have gone through so much and have grown up along the way. It has taken tremendous thought – buckets of tears – endless late night talks – and weekly therapy – to get to where I am right now. I have changed my relationships, my attitudes about life, and really feel like I have found myself in the middle of it all.

So now here I am. What do I do with all of this new knowledge?

This spot is rough. Because I am scared.

I feel like there are two of me, fighting against each other. One Tara is trying to keep things the way they were – afraid to go for it and DO SOMETHING NEW. Afraid for things to change. Afraid to succeed. Afraid to fail. Afraid of being out of control, not knowing what is around the bend. The other Tara is suffocated by the choices she desperately wants to quit making, yet stronger, more sure of herself, more grown up. This Tara loves the feeling of not knowing what is coming – feels alive when she embraces that feeling, and drops the anxiety. But she is still afraid to succeed, and afraid to fail.

I can kind of see what path I need to be traveling down. If I don’t take my next natural steps, the ones I know are mine to make, I will be failing myself.

I am sure of it.

And yet…

I feel like a tiny little yellow bird who is overlooking a big, luscious, green valley. It stretches away from me as far as my eyes can see. I am teeny tiny at the top. A speck. I have never flown across this valley. I have no idea how far it reaches, or if I will make it to the other side.

But I have to take the next step. I have to trust myself.

I have to get off the ground.

Tara

 

 

 

We have been home from Colorado for over two weeks and it has taken me exactly that long to get back into the swing of things.

Quickly:

I have a lot going on right now.

Internally and externally. A lot going on. Some I want to talk about, some I don’t. More talking will spill out of me soon I hope.

I think I went into hermit mode after the vacation.

The vacation was cold, snowy, and perfect.

These photos were taken last Sunday on a 3 mile hike in Dana Point. Mckenna is not pictured because she chose to stay home with a sitter. Which is a conflicting thing for me, but at the moment I will just say that we got to do something we wanted to do, and so did she. So for now I guess that works.

I have been having MAJOR email issues. It happens randomly. I am not receiving some, and finding out that many that I send are not getting where they need to go. This is frustrating but I think I have it running again. If you have been waiting on me, PLEASE resend if you haven’t heard back from me today. If I haven’t responded it is because I did not get it. My apologies!

Something of more substance tomorrow, pinky swear.

xo

Tara