Hi, stranger.
Prepare for a brain dump.
The last few weeks I have felt disconnected and uncomfortable with the internet and social media at large. I guess it started in Santa Barbara. I got a break and then I didn’t want to come back. It’s just all too easy. It’s too easy to get sucked in, caring about things I don’t need to be caring about. It’s too easy for me to avoid the things that are truly important to me with stupid time sucks. Which is kind of a problem, since a big part of my job is my participation in my blog and other online outlets. I need to have balance in order to have a successful business.
But I find myself spending too much time reading the words of a lot of people I don’t know, and some that I don’t actually even like. Because it’s so easy to do. Because there are things to procrastinate. Or there are people who I know that read them, and so I think I need to as well, in order to keep up. I mean, hey, I don’t want to miss out. WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING REALLY GREAT?! Even great in it’s ability to irritate me or get me running to Jeff to tell him about this crazy thing I read online? It’s crazy town, completely bonkers, and I go through these phases every once in awhile where I actually see what I am doing and I cut it all out. I start thinning the herd. I delete people from my bookmarks, I streamline the amount of people I follow on twitter and facebook, I wonder what the hell I am even doing talking about my own life online.
So that’s the space I am in right now. Wondering what the hell I am doing here on this blog, and what the point of all of this even IS.
I am a photographer. My blog is my main source of getting my work out into the world, and hopefully getting people interested in it, and me. I want that part of my job to be honest and sincere though! I don’t want to manipulate people into liking me. So there is the biggest issue. In order to appeal to the masses, you have to be slightly bland, and definitely thoughtful about what you write, so as not to offend ANYONE. It’s fence sitting at it’s supreme. This feels manipulative to me. I hate it. I want the space to be free and be myself, no matter how ugly or offensive that might be. Yet, I know my husband, who works in a typical office environment works the same way. There are a few people he can really talk to. The rest get the surface stuff. This is what happens in a professional environment. It gets dicey with that statement, because I am unsure how “professional” I want to be. Professional sounds cold, but it also sounds smart.
I am also a writer. I have been my entire life. Beginning with punching out stories on my grandma’s typewriter in elementary school. My childhood goal was to be a young adult fiction writer. So there is a part of me that is still that girl. That still wants to write. The best writing is the writing that comes from a deep place. The kind that connects to another person’s deep place. That isn’t necessarily “professional”.
I am a mother. I love the aspect of sharing. When I was a young stay at home mom, my ONLY source of connection and understanding was through the friends that I had online. Since I could hardly make it out of the house, I depended on them to help me through the days. They were there on hard days and celebrated with me on good ones. They still are. I love the ability to share something in my life in order to connect to other people with the same problem/issue/obsession/etc. It has a way of opening life up and making it bigger, at the same time making the world seem smaller and more connected. When you share truth online, it gives people space to breathe, to know they aren’t alone. Ultimately it does the same for me.
I work from home. Social media is my lunch with coworkers. It is my smoke break. It is my 2pm meeting. Maybe I am taking too many breaks?
I am a current events/pop culture junkie. I absolutely LOVE knowing everything that is happening right this second, anywhere. When shit goes down anywhere in the world, @CNNBREAK let’s me know on Twitter. And if they don’t, someone else will. But maybe I don’t need all of that information in my head. Maybe my head is so full of it that it can’t remember to go deposit those checks at the bank or to force myself to get outside and exercise. I don’t know.
I was talking with a friend recently, a friend who isn’t online. ANYWHERE. If you googled her name it is quite possible the only hit would be this blog, because I wrote about her. It was interesting hearing her perspective. She is out in the world, man. She has real life, in person connections with people every day. Good and bad. We were laughing about social media – about how she just doesn’t care about what other people are doing. And she certainly wouldn’t make or have the time to comment on it. This was not said in a selfish way. It came across as perfectly normal. I mean, I have interactions and connections with people online everyday. Does having them online make them less real? Does it make hers more meaningful due to the simple fact they are in person? All of this made me think – why do *I* care? Do I care? Am I normal? Are we normal? All of us who are constantly checking our smart phones for updates? Are we going to regret all this screen time? Or is this just the way the world is now, and if we don’t keep up we will be the same as our parents who couldn’t understand how to work a VCR? Or how some of our parents still don’t know that you can google ANYTHING to find out what you need to know? If we step away from it all will we be lost?
What works for my friend wouldn’t work for me. I can see why she doesn’t need to be online. Why it doesn’t work for her. However, I am an introvert and I have a child who keeps me home a lot. I work from home. More than half of my job is spent at a computer. I have built relationships with people I have met online. Some of these relationships are my most cherished, and the longest friendships I have been lucky enough to have. I don’t want to stop giving to those friends or being a part of their daily lives.
The community I have built here on this blog is also very important to me. I want to give to you guys, too. I want you to know I appreciate the time you spend here, and I want to do better and better by you every day. Maybe some things need moving around. Maybe I need a work space and a personal space. Maybe I need to stop worrying about being bland and just mesh the two a little better.
Maybe I need to experiment with focusing outward a bit more. I want to use my screen time in a beneficial way, and not a compulsive one. I want it to work for me, with me – not against me. The people I look up to, the lives I see being lived that I want to live, don’t have a whole lot of internet time going on.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. But I’d like to say this: if you have noticed me being quieter online, cutting my friends lists, or having shorter blog posts, everything is okay. I am just working some shit out.
My job is attached to a computer.
I don’t want my life to be.
xo
Tara
no problem. Still love it. No matter if the post is a thousand words or one simple picture, I still love it. Because it is still a piece of your honesty. : )
Amen sister. I am so feeling what your saying.
oxxo
Girl you inspire me.. I totally get what you mean.. we are a society of computers.. phones.. home… everything.
Do what you gotta do.. life’s too short to be behind a 15″ ..
oxxo
I getcha. I have to do fence sitting myself on my blog because otherwise, I’ll say something that I shouldn’t (like yesterday…).
i have a little confession: i envy “professionals” like you, who have beautiful blogs, introduce incredibly, thought-provoking topics, share unbelievably gorgeous photos, and are being the sorts of people i’d like to be someday… but i envy them even more when they have the awareness and discipline to unplug become more present in their everyday lives, even if i miss the huge dose of inspiration they bring to my life.
i hope i can be like that someday, too.
you’re wonderful, tara. cheers to you, whichever direction you decide to go!
It’s all good. Take time to think and mull and process. We will love your work no matter how often you tweet or post. hugs!!
a
We waste so much of our living sitting alone watching and reading about the lives of others that we loose the very sight and passion of our own. I’d give anything to be handed back the hours of my own life that I wasted by giving it to others via Facebook, blogs, twitter, People magazine…
What a deeply unsatisfied culture we are creating bc we’re so busily obsessed with this notion that everyone else’s life is more interesting, successful, popular, easier than our own.
We all need to just get busy figuring out how to happily live our own.
And now that I just finished chiming in, I am getting off your blog and going to go show up to my own life. :)
Tara, I have been reading your blog ever since you were sitting in the hospital with McKenna. I could relate to the things you say and sometimes dream about the other things you were talking about. You started this as a journal for your life, your feelings, your thoughts and if people don’t like those well then they don’t need to read it. I for one have never been bored reading what you have written. I enjoy that you write about whatever is in your life at the time. I especially love it when you post little glimpse of your everyday life thru pictures. Like your kitchen window with the picture of your kids and your scrabble tile encouragement. Those are the things that make your blog so real and not like we are reading an advertisement. I have dropped so many blogs because for lack of a better word they just get boring. Yours always makes me smile. Even if it is only once in a while please keep sending out those little glimpses that make me think or smile.
Honey – you already know how I feel about all of this so I will just say a big ditto to everything you just said. So much more to say, but I’ll leave it for another time. Love you and love you even more for writing this. xo
I hear ya! Love you …. love your work. I guess it’s all about whether you are the master or the slave. Sometimes one wobbles from one side to the other. Take care…you’ll wobble the right way.xxoo
You’re so beautiful Tara, love you and your thoughts. xox
My “real” blog has not been updated in forever because I can never figure out how “real” I want to be…and it sucks. I used to blog a lot, I actually made it almost 365 days of blogging, and loved it.
But then I started my business, and local people that actually paid me for stuff, and saw me at the school pick up or in the grocery store started reading it, and I freaked out. It was fine when only my “online” friends were reading, but then it got messy. It was too strange that now people could question me in person about something they read. Or I had to worry that something I wrote would be “unprofessional” or controversial and hurt my chances of booking a client.
I’ve tried the personal blog/pro blog route…but I really can not find the balance. The personal blog has gone pretty much radio silent…and it makes me sad. It is not “me” to be quiet, and I feel like I’m missing out on documenting a lot of things I used to document and that sucks. The “pro” blog doesn’t feel like “me” either, because it is sanitary and nice, and I am neither, but I do what I think I’m supposed to do.
Now that I think about it, this whole dilemma pretty much pisses me off every day…. harumph!
You really struck a cord! Look at all these comments! It’s good to know we’re not all alone in this. This has been such a struggle for me and your last words will be pinned up on my computer as a reminder: My job is attached to a computer. I don’t want my life to be. Couldn’t have said it better. Thanks for sharing your heart.
crap…hit the go button too quick. See I should blog again, then I wouldn’t have to write such long comments! I was going to add, that you are not alone in trying to figure all of this shit out…and I appreciate you putting it out there so I don’t feel alone either!
Great post my friend. I’m so right there with you. I backed away from forums, and I rarely tweet or Facebook….I keep my blog pretty much all biz. You know what? I haven’t felt better.
holler. i like the reality of your blog. because it’s life. and life isnt always fairy farts and rainbows. yours is the only blog that is always kept when i go through and weed through my blog lists. it’s nice to know that people i admire aren’t perfect, cuz i’m sure not.
and i’m still saving away to one day afford a session from you.
le sigh.
You don’t seem “unreal” or “fake” to me. I have always admired how you put yourself out there. When I met you…you were just as I imagined you would be, just Tara. So I hope you find a good balance to everything. You are not the only one that gets “sucked” into the need to know what’s going on at all times. I think it’s good to do spring cleaning with social media too! You really are awesome, so I know you’ll get it all figured out!
Amen, sista. I cut back on my internet usage last year– and I said to my sis,
“I feel like I’m missing out on a party that everyone is invited to that I’ve chosen not to attend.”
Specifically, I’m speaking of FB in general. But once I got past that feeling, man, I just HAD to cut it out. Did me no good.
Love your thoughts. Some people enrich my life– some people don’t, AT ALL.
I agree with everything you said. But thre is a reason why all the chefs on TV use salt and pepper in everything, no one likes bland!
Tara–I love your blog. You are honest. About life. About motherhood. About you. I come back because of that honesty. I have been thinking about cutting some people from my reader, cause they have just become so sugar coated that I can’t stand to read them anymore. Everything is all perfect..everything! That is not real and it makes me feel inferior and i don’t like that. I have been reading you for over 4 years and I feel like I know you and your family a little bit–I can relate so much to some of your posts and you have made me cry on more than one occasion. Keep it honest, write what you want, your real/true readers will stay–we have been here all along and we love you.
I agree 100%. If this is how people are going to connect from now on is makes me kind of sad. Face to Face is so much better.
I have read your blog forever. My favorite posts from you are the ones where you are raw, the ones that you reveal some of your soul. I relate so much to alot you say. Please be you. People who matter won’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter. With that said, I hope you find a balance that is right for you.
I love it when you say what is in your heart. I like to hear about the real you that has trials and successes. I would like for you to be able to feel you can share any real thing that you feel without worrying about being professional. After all, you work for yourself and your family and you should be true to you. I absolutely love your work and it is a little pleasure in my life to click on your blog to see your photos and read your words. I would miss that a whole lot if you didn’t share your talent with the world.
I would love to see you continue your blog! I love reading your updates. I think you should write what you feel and not worry about what others think. It seems that you are in a place in your career that you would be able to be true to yourself and honest even if it meant offending a few people. It is your space to write what you want! Those who don’t like what you have to say could go elsewhere! One of the things I love most about your blog is that it doesn’t show a perfect life – it shows REAL life. I think that’s why I’m so addicted to it! ;)
Dear Tara. Please stop worrying about being bland – it’s always good & interesting to hear from you! Sometimes we hear from you more often, sometimes less, because it’s like the ocean and the waves that come and go. That’s just nature and life! I’m glad you sometimes share your life’s little and bigger waves with us! Have a great weekend, Resi
thank you! i needed to read that :)
Amen.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It hit right home. These words came just when I needed them the most. :) I see that I use more and more time in front of the computer online. Mostly surfing on other photographers blogs while dreaming of getting out there and do it myself, for real. I genuinly believe that we always are driven towards our truth. We can not escape, but we do a damned good job trying to. So when I read your blog Tara, learning about your journey – I feel hope. Hope for me and my dreams. I think you are a great healer. You are amazingly talented, but much more you are genuin. In the world we live in today, this is so precious and so important. Your words and your pictures ground me. Thank you. :)
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and never felt compelled to comment (how do you ever have time to read all these comments?) but am making a plea for you not to censure yourself so much – I know about tact and the business environment, but I don’t think I’d be offended by anything that’s the real you. I read very few blogs – have consciously limited the time I spend reading other people’s thoughts, but
I love your photo style, your family style and your writing.
I love this blog post. And I found myself nodding while reading. I applaud you for doing what you need to do. I have been doing the same. It feels good.
I respect you honesty. Honor yourself and your family and the rest will follow. You inspire me, make me smile and embrace my family. Through your work I feel how precious family is. Thank you. I wish you peace. I know it will come from your work and family.
totally feelin’ ya, chickypoo…
I know I am not part of your herd, but I really hope I am someday because most everything you say makes me say YES. THAT. Great post.
amen, homey sister friend. and omg no photo…so brave. ;)
I hear you, sister… I go through this same thing all the time. I yearn to be open and honest and blunt in my posts and writing. I’ve been a writer my entire life as well.. my 6th grade teacher told me to send her my first published novel. Well, I haven’t gotten that far.. but.. it’s my outlet, my release, and my way of trying to connect to other people. I don’t WANT to only be known on the surface. There’s no point. I want deep, real, meaningful connections. And I want to be open and honest.
The worst part.. being in super conservative South Orange County.. I know that my viewpoints will lose me clients. Possibly current ones. When will I find the strength to be who I am and not just seen on the surface?
As an only child with a lot of great friends and cousins, I still never have that ONE person who “needs” me as their “first” person. (If that makes sense). Yes, my husband loves me, my children love me, but I wonder if I’m the first person anyone runs to for tiny things to big things. I feel like I share EVERYTHING with everyone from my infertility struggles to a simple thing like my love for music. I honestly believe my “connection” to the internet and the “need to know this information” is because its my way of being a “part” of something outside of my own family. I’ll know every little crime or accident or miscellaneous business in my neighborhood before my neighbors do. I’ll know who had a baby or who passed away before many. Its my “need to know” so I can be important. People will come to me to find out stuff because they know I have the news (and I’m not talking about being gossipy). This may not seem related to your post, but thats how I can relate to it and interpret it best. Sometimes I too wish I could unplug and just live like I did as a kid in the 80s, but grown up :)
oh and I’ll need to add that I would be so sad to lose this “connection” with you. Your love for music, art, photography and LIFE inspire me with every single blog post. When I see that little “1” next to my blog feeds and see you have a new entry, I save it for when I have alone time to read it and engross myself in your images. :)
thanks for posting this Tara, but I just want to say. 1. you sure dont seem like an introvert! 2.dont worry about appealing to the masses and to quote your tagline “just be you”! You could of offended me in some of your writings, but I really like reading your blog! I don’t always agree, but I certainly appreciate your point of view!
Ahhhhh… yes. YES. I often spend my few quite minutes alone wrestling with these same issues and questions. My mom once called me to ask why I hadn’t addressed some big thing on my own blog, and I told her it was because my blog was necessarily a sanitized, carefully managed promotional tool more than it was a place for unfiltered info about my life. And that got me thinking. Also, I think that being so unplugged from other blogs and websites (don’t get me started about Facebook) was why I was so truly, deeply happy during the two weeks our family spent cruising around in our rented RV this summer. The family ALWAYS came first during that trip. It was eye-opening, in it’s way. Good luck muddling through things, and I whole-heartedly agree with those who’ve said we will always come back, even if you — and we — disappear for awhile.
Bravo!
I get exactly what you are saying. I struggle with this, too. You can have both. Everyone can have both. It’s knowing when enough is enough, knowing when to close it up, & knowing when to go on with your day/life. Self discipline. The internet is completely addicting. Especially if you are addicted to decorating blogs like I am. I was turning into Jackie on Roseanne (ever see that episode?), as I watched inches of dust gather on our furniture, among other things. Gross. I’m a stay-at-home mom. Letting that happen was unacceptable. I sat on the internet, instead of choosing to play games with my littles. Or read books. Or paint. Now? I still read my blogs. I still tweet (follow @breakingnews for great updates!) – but, those blogs I read that I really have no interest in, I delete. People who piss me off, I delete. People who make ME leery of what I say when I post, I delete (don’t you dare change you & how you blog!). When I’m done I’m done – I even have to separate my mind from the internet sometimes! Set your boundaries. For you. Don’t give up something you love. Just alter it to fit you. Only YOU. Let’s go thrifting soon. ;o) xoxo
Work it out, girl!
I have put a lot of thought into this as well because I go through periods where I feel like my ‘virtual’ life receives way too much attention and maintenance at the expense of my ‘real’ life. I would strongly encourage you to listen to this interview:
http://being.publicradio.org/programs/2011/alive-enough/
This author said everything I needed to hear … much like you did in this very post. Thanks for being you and also? Live your truth, no matter the consequences in your online world. :-)
Oh, I really hope you allow yourself NOT to be bland. Step away from the bland. :) You are way too interesting for the bland. :)
But seriously … one thing I learned in business school is that businesses who try to be all things for all people end up failing. Because it means they stand for nothing and nobody cares. It’s the businesses that shrink and get really, really, really specific about who they are and who they aren’t — who carve out a very clear and specific niche for themselves — who succeed. Because who they really are will attract all the other people out there who are that same way and absolutely love them for being that way.
I think all of us would love more of Tara … the real Tara. :)
This hits home with me. I currently have WAY to many blogs to keep up with in my GoogleReader and often feel that I ‘waste’ time online. I need to scale back and loved seeing this post. Thank you. Best of luck to ya! PS, I’ll still be keeping up with you even though I am scaling back ;)
When you are being honest and sincere (like now) and not bland, it makes me like you that much more. I understand where you’re coming from as a photographer, mom, blogger. I would love to pull the plug sometimes and then other times I feel so grateful for it all. I guess it’s finding the balance and not letting it consume you. But how to do that? Anyway, thank you for the post. It’s nice to know that others feel how I feel.
Are you really happy if you appeal to the masses? Be.
Omg! I was thinking about you so thought I would read your blog. Perfect day to also. I’ve been going through the same thing lately and so I started to read “focus” and “the power of less” by Leo Babauta. I will email you focus cause I think it will help you a ton! You will have to buy the other one. Focus is a ebook. It changed my life! I’m so tired of all the distractions and it makes me more crazier than I already am. I needed to cut back, but what I did not know? So please read what I send and order or buy “the power of less,” I swear it will help you in what you are needing right now! I have 4 boys myself, work from home, social connect with friends via Internet and blah blah blah! So when I get back to work on Monday I will send that over. It will help your brain with all that “shit.” I swear! I’m on your path girl, don’t allow yourself to get sucked in and make you go cwrazy like I have due to all the social media… Good luck!! Danielle
If you ever come to Australia, I HAVE to meet you.
I had this mental debate all the time. But I stopped having the debate because it did go nowhere. And once I stopped, it all kinda fell into place. I subscribed from a ton of blogs. If my reader hasn’t been touched for a week because I was busy living, I simply mark all as read. I killed all lists on twitter, I only check twice a day now, don’t read the stream, I unfollowed many people. I do still twitter, still do facebook, certainly write my blog, certainly comment on blogs. But I no longer live on the web. I would never give it up, I love it too much. And I am more real on the web than I am in real life. But that’s just me. I hope you find your answers.