Hi, stranger.
Prepare for a brain dump.
The last few weeks I have felt disconnected and uncomfortable with the internet and social media at large. I guess it started in Santa Barbara. I got a break and then I didn’t want to come back. It’s just all too easy. It’s too easy to get sucked in, caring about things I don’t need to be caring about. It’s too easy for me to avoid the things that are truly important to me with stupid time sucks. Which is kind of a problem, since a big part of my job is my participation in my blog and other online outlets. I need to have balance in order to have a successful business.
But I find myself spending too much time reading the words of a lot of people I don’t know, and some that I don’t actually even like. Because it’s so easy to do. Because there are things to procrastinate. Or there are people who I know that read them, and so I think I need to as well, in order to keep up. I mean, hey, I don’t want to miss out. WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING REALLY GREAT?! Even great in it’s ability to irritate me or get me running to Jeff to tell him about this crazy thing I read online? It’s crazy town, completely bonkers, and I go through these phases every once in awhile where I actually see what I am doing and I cut it all out. I start thinning the herd. I delete people from my bookmarks, I streamline the amount of people I follow on twitter and facebook, I wonder what the hell I am even doing talking about my own life online.
So that’s the space I am in right now. Wondering what the hell I am doing here on this blog, and what the point of all of this even IS.
I am a photographer. My blog is my main source of getting my work out into the world, and hopefully getting people interested in it, and me. I want that part of my job to be honest and sincere though! I don’t want to manipulate people into liking me. So there is the biggest issue. In order to appeal to the masses, you have to be slightly bland, and definitely thoughtful about what you write, so as not to offend ANYONE. It’s fence sitting at it’s supreme. This feels manipulative to me. I hate it. I want the space to be free and be myself, no matter how ugly or offensive that might be. Yet, I know my husband, who works in a typical office environment works the same way. There are a few people he can really talk to. The rest get the surface stuff. This is what happens in a professional environment. It gets dicey with that statement, because I am unsure how “professional” I want to be. Professional sounds cold, but it also sounds smart.
I am also a writer. I have been my entire life. Beginning with punching out stories on my grandma’s typewriter in elementary school. My childhood goal was to be a young adult fiction writer. So there is a part of me that is still that girl. That still wants to write. The best writing is the writing that comes from a deep place. The kind that connects to another person’s deep place. That isn’t necessarily “professional”.
I am a mother. I love the aspect of sharing. When I was a young stay at home mom, my ONLY source of connection and understanding was through the friends that I had online. Since I could hardly make it out of the house, I depended on them to help me through the days. They were there on hard days and celebrated with me on good ones. They still are. I love the ability to share something in my life in order to connect to other people with the same problem/issue/obsession/etc. It has a way of opening life up and making it bigger, at the same time making the world seem smaller and more connected. When you share truth online, it gives people space to breathe, to know they aren’t alone. Ultimately it does the same for me.
I work from home. Social media is my lunch with coworkers. It is my smoke break. It is my 2pm meeting. Maybe I am taking too many breaks?
I am a current events/pop culture junkie. I absolutely LOVE knowing everything that is happening right this second, anywhere. When shit goes down anywhere in the world, @CNNBREAK let’s me know on Twitter. And if they don’t, someone else will. But maybe I don’t need all of that information in my head. Maybe my head is so full of it that it can’t remember to go deposit those checks at the bank or to force myself to get outside and exercise. I don’t know.
I was talking with a friend recently, a friend who isn’t online. ANYWHERE. If you googled her name it is quite possible the only hit would be this blog, because I wrote about her. It was interesting hearing her perspective. She is out in the world, man. She has real life, in person connections with people every day. Good and bad. We were laughing about social media – about how she just doesn’t care about what other people are doing. And she certainly wouldn’t make or have the time to comment on it. This was not said in a selfish way. It came across as perfectly normal. I mean, I have interactions and connections with people online everyday. Does having them online make them less real? Does it make hers more meaningful due to the simple fact they are in person? All of this made me think – why do *I* care? Do I care? Am I normal? Are we normal? All of us who are constantly checking our smart phones for updates? Are we going to regret all this screen time? Or is this just the way the world is now, and if we don’t keep up we will be the same as our parents who couldn’t understand how to work a VCR? Or how some of our parents still don’t know that you can google ANYTHING to find out what you need to know? If we step away from it all will we be lost?
What works for my friend wouldn’t work for me. I can see why she doesn’t need to be online. Why it doesn’t work for her. However, I am an introvert and I have a child who keeps me home a lot. I work from home. More than half of my job is spent at a computer. I have built relationships with people I have met online. Some of these relationships are my most cherished, and the longest friendships I have been lucky enough to have. I don’t want to stop giving to those friends or being a part of their daily lives.
The community I have built here on this blog is also very important to me. I want to give to you guys, too. I want you to know I appreciate the time you spend here, and I want to do better and better by you every day. Maybe some things need moving around. Maybe I need a work space and a personal space. Maybe I need to stop worrying about being bland and just mesh the two a little better.
Maybe I need to experiment with focusing outward a bit more. I want to use my screen time in a beneficial way, and not a compulsive one. I want it to work for me, with me – not against me. The people I look up to, the lives I see being lived that I want to live, don’t have a whole lot of internet time going on.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. But I’d like to say this: if you have noticed me being quieter online, cutting my friends lists, or having shorter blog posts, everything is okay. I am just working some shit out.
My job is attached to a computer.
I don’t want my life to be.
xo
Tara
This is something I have been thinking about A LOT lately. Seriously considering getting rid of my iphone. I feel like a chain smoker…but not at stinky.
Wow.WOW! I could’ve written this exact post. I wish I knew the answer. I like your thoughts. :)
A lot of food for thought here. I think that you need to do what’s right for you. And I don’t think you have to be bland here. I think you are perceived as yourself: as a mother, as an individual, as an artist and a photographer. I think it’s OK for people to get to know you here as you really are. I mean – do you really want to work with people who don’t like you? Do you want to be that bland one-size-fits all and get that kind of client who won’t get you/your style? You are an artist, and anyone who sees your work appreciates your unique vision and your ability to capture family. Be true to yourself, and spread yourself wherever you find yourself. You’re the only Tara Whitney we have.
thank you. thank you for putting this out into the world. i have been feeling just like this and wishing i had the ‘nuts’ to toast my personal FB page all together. alas, i dont. i am excited to see where you go from here…maybe it will encourage others such as me to follow in a wise womans foot steps!
i love you. how stupid is that b/c i don’t know you. but i love you just the same. hardly have time to read your stuff, which i love. b/c i’m stuck in some other internet time suck, AFRAID OF MISSING SOMETHING that will make what i do better… just looking/reading/browsing/ and not DOING. anyway. i always love your words when i give myself the luxury of reading them. thank you for that. and now get off the computer, tee hee!
Amazing, I’ve been purging my feed list this week and the same thoughts have been going through my head. Thanks for putting a voice to it.
whatever. get out of my brain. all i can say is i obsess over the same thoughts and things and feelings. all of it. when i was 19 and had a baby i had absolutely not a soul in the world to be friends with. and so this internet life was born.
i still don’t know how to balance it. i am not happy with how anything (business/life) is running and sometimes it’s hard to pick a place to start. to shift things.
good luck with your shit. xo
Feeling the same way. Hence the reason I’ve resisted the urge to buy a phone with internet access. I don’t need another excuse to spend more time online and away from my kids. But on the other hand, I’m a stay-at-home homeschooling mom with an 8 yo, 3 yo, and 7 month old. I never go anywhere except church on Sunday and the occasional homeschool activity once or twice a month so facebook and pintrest and my blog are my connections with the outside world.
But what a fine line it is. I’m still searching for the right balance. Praying for wisdom. I hope you find the right path for you, just what you are looking for, that fits your life.
I too have been thinking about this a lot. You said it perfectly…my JOB in online, but I certainly don’t want my LIFE to be! Thanks, it’s just what I needed to hear! Good luck to you – I adore your work!
I totally agree! We need balance. I personally hate being a fence sitter. And my facebook, causes debate at times, over my beliefs. But I will stand for what I believe in. maybe thats why I only get select photography business……but thats ok for me, as its only part time. And the photography that I get to do that I love, I need to take a stand in.
This post sure wasnt fence sitting. I love your honest approach to life! Keep living it!
More of us can relate to this than you probably realize. I’ve been circling this turn on the corner for a while, trying to find that balance. Your final statement is exactly what I’ve been feeling for a long time.
Some really good points and definitely something to think about! However, I am never bland on my blog. At least I hope not! I write like I talk. I definitely only want to attract clients who would hang from me. I don’t want business from anyone who would be offended by what I say :)
I admire you for writing this. We call our computer “The soul sucking device” it’s where I spend a large part of my time working. The longer I’m there, the more work I get done. Which keeps social networks and the online world too close too often. Think it’s time to unplug myself here soon as well.
believe it or not, you just spoke for the masses. we’re all a bunch of sheep being herded into cyber suckfest and ultimately….our families should be our first priority…REAL face time with our peeps. the guilt that comes with cyber surfing is immense. on my death bed, when i have only minutes left, will i be wondering what so-and-so’s status says? or will i wish i could have all of these minutes that add into hours that add into weeks and into months back, just to hold my loved ones a little longer.
you just spoke for me. and since i am a sheep…maybe i’ll follow in your footsteps:)
XOXOXO
My dad always says “All things in Moderation.” and I agree. When you drive down the road, you keep it in the middle, if you go too far one way, bad news, too far the other way, worse. So… just find a good middle ground. Facebook seems to be the biggest time sucker for me. I have decided to cut back to maybe like 2 days a week? tues and thursdays? Blogging is great. Be yourself Tara! Thats why we like you. Feel free to take a HIATUS too! Oprah took summers off, we will still love you and wait. No worries. the world wont stop turning. Live life and then blog once a week if you want. We dont mind. My baby, my youngest just left for College and I bawled my eyes out. Im thinking about all the time I wasted when he was in his room and i was out on my computer and we could of connected. We could of played a board game, talked, etc.. etc. etc… Dont have regrets. They are not fun.
Make memories, take pics, but thats all you need to do isnt it? really?
I like visiting your blog because of the truthfulness it exudes and also because I love your work. Do whatever you feel comfortable with.
I am solving this question myself. Everyone seems to think you have to be on Facebook, Twitter, blog…Really?!? I am a mother, a photographer, life happens while I am sitting behind my screen. My journey finding my creative self started with my blog and it’s a space I cherish but then I started censoring myself. I started thinking about what the “reader” would think. And don;t even get me started on my blogging envy, my blog was never enough this or that…
Right now I rarely go on Facebook, Twitter even less. I post on my blog whatever the heck I feel and if people can’t or won’t read it, I am learning not to care.
I devote time to my family, my books, my knitting, visiting art galleries and reading art books. Is it the way to go, not sure about it. It just feels comfortable right now.
Sorry for hijacking your comments ;o)
i think about this all the time. i don’t want to miss anything. i love to read and find that i’m always checking fb, twitter, blogs, etc just to keep my eyes busy. but really i could be doing so much more with my time.
i think you can be as real as you want on your own blog. from what i’ve seen, that’s why i love your blog so much. you have honest feelings and you are you.
plus, i don’t want my kids watching tv all the time but how do i set an example when i’m always on my phone, etc?
I was just verbalizing this today to my posse of a dog, a cat and three kiddos at home with me! I’m not sure if they “got” what I was getting at, but I felt the HUGE need to “shake” it off, shed my skin and rethink my thinking! HERE, you’ve summed it all up for me and thank you for echoing my exact thoughts and being a voice that speaks the truth! I WHOLEY appreciate it! PS…I’d like to share this article on my FB photography page, it that’s OK ;)
“I’m just working some shit out.” Right on. I get that. Me too. I think we all are. And I’m right in sync with you today. When I read, “The last few weeks I have felt disconnected and comfortable,” my brain immediately zeroed in. The voices upstairs (known as ‘the committee’) all said, “Me too!” And then I read, “with the internet and social media at large,” and I knew you were about to detail the movings of my heart and brain these last few weeks. Because from time to time, you do that. It’s weird. — And this sense of “not being alone” in this time of transition – even separated by states and not having ever met or spoken – is precisely why I love the internet. Because as much as the people around me and in my life love me and want all that is good for me, none of them are connecting with my heart and mind on this particular subject in the way that you have in sharing this with us — strangers. Our lives are so different and yet, I find a little more every time I experience this space that we aren’t so different in the end. … I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think I want there to be anything else. But I did want to tell you that I get this on a level beyond understanding your words. I get the meaning. I feel the transition in my own world right now too. Thank you for sharing with me, a stranger. xo.
Thanks Tara, I love this post and I’ve often felt the same. I hate & love being online. It is so hard in this field to find balance & I often find myself swinging too far in one direction or the other. Maybe this is just one part of life that may never feel completely comfortable. xo
Your words truly resonate with me. A friend recently announced she was exiting Facebook and I find myself thinking about that action all the time. Right now I’m cleaning my house but as I walked by the computer I thought I’d just “jump on Facebook for a quick sec and check things”. And here I sit when I should be scrubbing a toilet. My first priority as wife and Mom frequently has taken a back seat to screen time, I’m ashamed to say.
I feel a revolution is brewing in a lot of hearts, especially Mom’s hearts, to get back to what realy matters. Thank you for voicing what so many are thinking. Now stop reading this and go play with and hug your child. That’s what I’m going to do, after the bathroom gets cleaned of course. :)
The internet is whatever you want it to be, whatever you make it. Truly, it is a frontier to to anything you want. I personally don’t like it when someone says that these connections we have with people online only are not ‘real’. I’ve had better conversations with someone I only know online than I have had at a thousand get-togethers and parties. Surround yourself with people you love, people that challenge you, real people. Others they are a distraction, amusing or annoying – not worth your time. This all boils down to time and our finite amount of it. Don’t waste it. Just be.
I have a post just like this in my drafts folder called “The Isolation of the Internet”. I feel the same way. I have been considering totally giving up FB and to be honest one of my first thoughts was, “But that is how I know what Tara is up to.” I think it cannot be an all or nothing proposition for people like us (moms, work at home, homebodies by nature), but we can curtail it and attempt not to get too sucked in. If you find the answer please share my friend. xoxo B
I could not agree more!!!! I am in the same place at the moment
Tara, I don’t follow many blogs but I follow you. I don’t know the you you but the you on this blog is real and out there and definitely not bland. I think about what you say, I talk about it with friends. You make me question my life and my decisions and my actions. In a good way. You challenge me. So thank you. I value your online presence.
Work that shit out, Tara. My guess is that we all have some shit we need to work out. My mother would scold me for saying the word “shit” like that. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Do what makes you happy.
I love Dixie Dobbins’ response. Everything in moderation. As photographers in the digital age we are forced to be on the computer, much more than many of us would prefer. The key really is being able to stay balanced, make those human connections, hug the people you love. My sisters live very, very far away…I miss them SO much, but I keep in touch with them via email, Skype and FB — technology does have it’s place in keeping people connected, and it’s hugely powerful in it’s ability to influence and disseminate information. And the bit about staying honest on the blog, Tara — nobody does it better than you — that is why so many people are reading. I struggle with it constantly and I wish I had one ounce of your ability to connect online. Even if you’re posting once a year, we’ll be reading. Do what works for you :)
This is so funny. Not really “Funny” but funny. I deleted my FB account 2 days ago. Completely gone. I thought I’d have major withdrawl and I admit to still thinking up status updates in my head. BUT the opposite happened. Freedom. A weight off my shoulders and the chance to have the internet presence I want. On my blog and in one private FLickr group where I maintain my relationship with my online photo friends through a 365. My job is stay at home mom/small time photog. I get it. What you said about online being “lunch break” totally makes sense to me. But alas… the negative started outweighing the positive so changes were made and my life feels better. My heart feels better.
I totally feel you on this. And support any decision you make. It’s your life. Do it the way that feels best to you. :)
I’ve been thinking of this quite a bit, trying to thin out feeds and stay away from the computer. But man, it is not easy. I’m not the most social person, I have kids who demand a LOT from me and a job where I have to be “on” at all times. The internet is a great way to zone out – nothing like reading about a homeschooling mom who farms who loves her life to make me relax. But then I feel like instead of reading about other people’s fabulous lives I should get out there and do something fabulous myself. It’s nice to see through your post and the comments that I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
For what it’s worth, your blog is refreshing and I have never felt like you have compromised who you are to make it more palatable. I really appreciate your honesty.
ditto
I feel the same way! I feel like I have to be on the computer for my job, but then it sucks me in all the time. I too would like to use my “screen time in a beneficial way, and not a compulsive one.” By the way, your blog is one that I read and feel better for doing so. Every time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your art.
Love the honesty! Thanks for the post…i’ve felt this way so many days!
good stuff. truly.
love this. i recently deactivated my personal facebook page. it was 100% private, as in – no work contacts, no people i didn’t know. all friends (old and new) and family. but still, i was doing the same. looking at albums of a wedding of someone i hadn’t seen for 10 years. finding myself getting agitated or tense from someone else’s grumpy status update. so in a rash move i unfriended every single person (so even if i sign back on, nothing is there) and deactivated.
feels great and all the pangs of regret that came through in the following week, were specific only to a handful of people: my girlfriend, who is pregnant with twins. my extended family i don’t see enough. the people i need to be making more of an effort to see & connect with “in real life.”
there were absolutely no feelings for high school or college friends. none for missing out of minute details of the friends i currently have in my life.
–> those who were not important, got shucked.
–> those are are important, are either in my life or it gave me a good jolt that they need to get back in my life in a real way, not a virtual mirage of connection.
the internet can be amazing. social media can be amazing. but my rule is that it has to add value to my life in a BIG way now.
Oh the drama of it all…to delete the account, to get a life, to. to. to. to…..the lists of woulda, shoulda, coulda could go on for days.
I love facebook. I love that I can connect with people from my past and that those connections can lead me to meet people in the future. I love that it’s helped my business…I love that it’s helped me as a young mother, I love so much about it. But, (the big butt). There is a fine line. Very fine.
As far as you are concerned Tara…I think your words, your blog and your approach to it “all” motivate more then you realize. I come to your blog to get a dose of reality. I don’t want to read another “look at me I’m the perfect mother with the perfect office and the perfect smile”. It’s annoying, and I don’t at all get that from your blog.
I come here to get a dose of “turns out life…no matter what the challenges, what the mess or what one might look like” is perfectly. I believe you’ve said it before…perfectly imperfect!
While I don’t know you personally or really at all other than the posts you do from time to time…I do know that you, YES YOU are NOT like everyone else. Not in what you write, not in the way you seem to look at life (again going just off of your blog posts) and not in the way you make people feel about themselves through their/your images.
….and it’s refreshing…
So say whatever the hell it is you want to say. Those of us who want to stay will…and (here is the beauty of facebook) those who don’t want to hear it…will stop and neither side will ever have to know about it.
work your shit out punkin. short post, long post, status update, tweet…its all good. me love you long time. xo
it’s like you’re in my head or something.
WOW!!! I could have written this post word for word. I too feel like this world is becoming so connected to social media. Why do I have to check in on everyone..every minute?? It is like an addiction…I want to stop..but I can’t/ Hmm…or maybe I can..and should! Love all your thoughts and I think you should be as honest as you wish….no need to sit on the fence. ;)
perfectly said, mama. The beautiful thing is we have the choice. We make our future. There are no set rules in our profession. Just a matter of work, priorities, and balance-things so hard to keep in line. Here’s hoping, for us. ;)
AMEN Tara! AMEN! You put into words exactly what I have been feeling lately. I have soooo many thoughts about this and have been really trying to remove myself. I’m not going to lie, my blog is all but non-existent and now, so is my photography business, it’s a double edge sword. How can I balance both in my life? How can I make myself NOT get sucked in? Is it possible to get on the computer just to work? I haven’t figured it out yet. Thank goodness I’m not on Twitter. I’m really tempted by all of the other commenters to delete my FB page. I think I might just do it. LOVE you Tara, truly! You are one of the only photographers I still check in on. I love your honesty. It’s refreshing.
i’m so feeling this right now. gotta trust your gut.. it’ll never steer you wrong! xoxo
I am CONVINCED you can read my thoughts. That’s both awesome and a bit creepy. : ) Oh how I wish I shared your ability to articulate. You realize stuff like this pretty much makes you a genius right? : )
I have been thinking a lot about this same concept and found a lot of things that resonnated with me when I participated in a session with Karen Walrond and Gwen Bell at BlogHer. Gwen actually takes a digital hiatus one month a year and she too makes her living by being online. Not to give you something else online to look at, but in this post she explains her feelings about the same idea: http://www.gwenbell.com/digital-sabbatical/
Thanks for being so transparent in the world. I appreciate it! I’m struggling with the same things – balance, exposure, connection… You rock! Susan
I get it Tara. I gave up my blog more than a year ago now. My kids are older and they really didn’t like being the subjects of my posts any longer and I didn’t feel it either anymore. I keep it activated just because it’s a great record of several years. (it’s on my to do list to archive it and close it permanently). I do use FB alot, but that’s also evolving. It’s expanded alot of things for me actually…personally and professionally. I use it alot for clients, who are mixed in with friends…which I’m ok with. But I also know everyone on my list personally and most are local and I do interact and see many of them pretty often. I’ve started limiting my online time as well to morning and late at night, when I do have total alone/me time and I won’t be taking away from others in my life. Though it’s not either of those times right now, lol…but we’re all decompressing from a long active day…them with the computer games and movie and me online reading up on blogs : ). I love to see your work, of course. You were a major source of inspiration for me starting my own business years ago. I have a strong admiration for you and respect. I’ll be “following” you in whatever way you choose to be present online. You know what’s best for you and have tons of people who support you. Hugs.
From the looks of all of the comments, it looks like you struck a common thread among a lot of people. I’ve had the same inner struggle with all of this social networking, trying to stay current with people you have never even met in “real life” trying to keep up with clients etc. I was talking to one of my clients last month who said she would never ever have a Facebook and how the whole idea of having a venue where you get on and share every thing about your personal life, and how its such an easy avenue for people to be someone they arent even close to being in real life, or such an easy avenue for temptation to creep in thru alot of different areas, shes only 26 and shes already seeing that the constant use of social networks has its pros and cons. We got our first computer when my kids were really young and I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom, I found chatrooms, oh lord, if I could go back in time to give back all of those countless pointless minutes I spent talking to people I didnt even know and putting my kids off to the side so that crazy frazzled homeschooling mommy could like you put it “have my smoke break” I completly regret wasting so much time on it all, the only redeeming factor is, I met my best friend, shes been my best friend for going on 12 years, and we have only met once in “real life” thankyou for sharing your thoughts on this Tara, it was super open, real and a must read.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I cut out over 2/3 of my weekly reads on my google reader and am planning on cutting more. It’s freeing to spend more time in real life. But I am also like you, someone who needs just a bit of the online world in her life.
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated when you emailed me to respond to my comment about my special needs son and how grateful I am that you share your story here. Also, I wanted you to know that your voice here made a difference in my life and I am so thankful that you have a blog for me to read.
xo
Yes, it can all get a little insane and surreal at times. I definitely agree with the balance comments. As a photographer, you connect to people through your blog. It makes perfect sense, until it doesn’t. All this social media, albeit addictive, can be fun in moderation. But it will never trump the personal connection: walking your dog and having a stroller-bound toddler squeal at your canine, listening to an elderly neighbor instruct you on how to garden, or laughing with the Publix cashier about your PMS-inspired Reese’s peanut butter cup purchase. I guess I’m an extrovert because I really love those connections most. It’s certainly why I break away from my Mac or coax friends into meeting me for lunch! (I work from home.) Oh, don’t get me wrong. I adore reading great content, gazing at amazing photography, learning to whip up a delicious meal, and spying happy yet chic design on the internet. But there’s just something about the connection of someone showing you a human kindness like a genuine smile or rushing to get your door that will never compare to a clever instagram photo or a funny twitter quip, ever.
P.S. That said, I delight in reading your blog for the authenticity in your words and photographs, even if our paths never cross.
You have nicely summarized everything that has been bothering me for the last six months. I only recently started using facebook after resisting forever and now I remember why I was so reluctant. Even amongst “friends” I can’t be myself because I need to remain professional. My boss has never mentioned reading my online stuff, but she pointed out others’ online info. And then I think about the permanence of what we throw out into cyberspace and don’t want my son to throw anything back at me years down the road. Eep! I just want to quit worrying about it and be authentic.
Is this why you resigned from our damned Words with Friends game? GEEZ Tara, you KNOW one thing on my f-in bucket list is to at least stay within 100 points of you. Well, there goes another dream down the friggin’ toilet. Oh well. So much for Gary Coleman.