genetically pre-disposed to clumsy

i was born with the clumsy gene. my body grew faster than my brain could catch up. and so growing up i was all long lean spidermonkey limbs flailing about poking people in the eyeball.

i cant tell you how many times i have broken/sprained my pinky toes.

or how many times i have tripped over something invisible in public.

embarassed myself in front of huge crowds.

or stepped off of curbs/stairs just at the right angle to tweak my ankle.

there was even a family i babysat for in high school, who eventually bought me my own special plastic cup to use at their house, because no joke-every time i sat for them, one of their glasses would go slipping from my butterfingers and crash onto the tile floor. even if i tried not to USE one, if i did the dishes or cleaned up? CRASH ONTO THE TILE.

its a huge family joke that im this big ditz when it comes to paying attention to my body vs its surroundings. or at least it used to be, thankfully i have grown out of a LOT of this stuff. (jeff would definitely disagree)

and guess who inherited this from me?

drew.

my poor, gangly, long-lean-spidermonkey-limbed child. who just doesnt know where his body ends and where the pavement begins.

this kid, who is SO thoughtful and responsible about his family and what we need done around here, cannot be trusted to hold a drink in the car, to carry food on a plate from point A to point B, or do anything at all in the kitchen. it is a guarantee that anything messy, sloshy, sticky, or wet will get on his clothes or the floor.

and while i managed to go through my life without any major injuries (never broke a bone and only got stitches once. but that wasnt my fault, a fly ball came out of the sky and beaned me in the face in third grade. my bottom teeth went through my lip. i remember people saying WAAAAAAAATCH OUUUUUUUUUUUT and i looked right up into the sky to see what they were talking about. so actually, maybe it was my dumb fault after all!) drews laundry list of accidents is sure to skyrocket past mine soon.

take, for example, his most recent “oopsydaisy”.

on a friday night a week or so ago, we had friends out (matt and lisa and seamus and finn) and got pizzas to take to the pool. so we packed up the car and hauled ourselves down there. our pool is not far from our house, but we like to pack everything up in a car and take it all down. plus, who are we kidding? tara doesnt like to walk anymore than she has to. the move from house to pool was pure comedy, we couldnt have written a better sitcom script, with several kids running off ahead and one of the adults RUNNING after, trailing pool toys and towels. all of us yelling at each other “ive got mckenna!” “ive got finn!” etc etc, and i think jeff or i hollering at one of the kids who just WOULD NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. we finally get out the door with me holding a drink in my hand and a towel over one arm, trying to back out of the driveway, and putting said drink down on the floor to crank the wheel with both hands, when said drink spilled all over my feet and jeffs newly detailed car. yes. newly detailed.  i also managed to drive over my neighbors brand new “baby grass” at the corner of his lawn, and leave a huge clue whodunnit. our muddy tiremarks all down the street. (he forgave me)

we get down to the pool, there wasnt a parking spot. so i stop to let everyone out. suddenly, there are cars that come out of nowhere, one behind me waiting patiently, one trying to go the other way but cant because our doors are open and mckenna is freaking out about not having her red innertube. jeff is trying to herd the kids and the people and the stuff to the gate at the pool and i say “dont worry about the pizzas-ill grab them!”

i pull away, let the traffic pass and find a spot across the street. i sigh a sigh of relief. finally, we can relax. the kids can play. we can talk and share some pizza and beers. awesome.

i grab the pizzas and walk across the street to the pool, open the gate, and see everyone staring into the pool at drew. “whats wrong?” i ask. jeff tells me drew chipped his tooth. drew sees me and starts bawling. lisa tells me he dove in and came up with a chipped tooth. i still have four large hot pizzas in my arms.

i tell drew to get out, i put the pizzas down, and i survey the damage.

its bad, a really really bad chip in his front adult tooth. but thankfully, he doesnt seem to be in more pain than you would imagine after bashing your face into the bottom of the pool. he is tender, but there is no nerve damage to the tooth. also thankfully, THANKFULLY, nothing worse happened than a chipped tooth. it could have been a LOT worse. he is upset, and scared about what this means of course. i do my best to calm him down, explaining what i think will happen at the dentist, giving him as much information as possible to soothe his fears, and to get his mind back on the fun evening we have planned.

but its sore, and he is upset, and starving. he hadnt eaten dinner and now with the tooth and his sore mouth, pizza was impossible. i promise him a huge chocolate shake when we leave, and he resumes his play. WITHOUT ANYMORE DIVING. FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.

after probably an hour of drama, we all finally settle down and the rest of the night goes fabulously. the kids play, we eat and drink, and talk.

here is the damage.

an emergency dental visit the next morning, tears on his paper bib, a veneer for his front tooth, and an $850 dental bill. finding that out sucked pretty bad. our dentist, who i HIGHLY RECOMMEND (this coming from a person who has great fears of the dentist) was so sensitive and wonderful with him, and gave him lots of numbing gel and he truly did not even feel his shot. he explained every single move he made and i wanted to cry watching how careful he was with my child.

today we had to go back to get his permanent veneer put on, and once again drew was a trooper. it is our first day of summer, so the whole gang came along, and nathan sat by his side and held his hand and made me want to squeeze him until his eyeballs popped out.

and when we left, they gave us cupcakes. im telling you, WHAT KIND OF FREAKING COOL DENTIST GIVES YOU CUPCAKES WHEN YOU LEAVE?