it has been one year

Posted byTara 247 Comments on it has been one year

since mckenna was in the hospital.

february 9th is the night she was burned, one year ago. february 9th is the night that i put a pot on the stove to boil, sat the kids on the couch in their jammies to watch "a bugs life" and ran upstairs to check my email. feb 9th is the night that mckenna decided to put the noodles in the pot, got too close to the stove, and caught fire to her over sized veggie tales pajama shirt. february 9th is the night i heard her scream, heard her scream in a way that i had never heard anyone scream, ran to the top of the stairs, and saw her on fire. it is the night that i ran downstairs, ran down a too long flight of stairs, screaming myself, the other three kids running to see what was happening, and picked her up and put her out on my carpet. it is the night that i called 911. that i called jeff, on a business trip in LA. the night that i rode in an ambulance with three firefighters/paramedics and called my mom to tell her what happened. the night that a police officer stayed at my house with my three other children, finished making the spaghetti and waited for my mother and father in law to take over. the night i thought i might die while i waited for them to tell me something. that i learned how hard you could cry. and how little you could care about anything else. the night jeff drove from LA to get to us at the hospital. the night i saw so many things in her, in myself, in jeff, in our families, in doctors and nurses. feb 9th 2005 is the night that changed our life.

this last year has been hell. stressful. sad. a struggle to get through. we have seen our lowest lows. our children have seen us reach our lowest lows. have seen me emotionally wrecked. for a short time, we didnt know if mckenna would live. and when i say short time, i mean the actual days spanned about six or seven. but in my heart, that time will be forever imprinted as an eternity. the things i have seen will never be forgotten. the things she has gone through will never be forgotten. there are vivid pictures in my head of that night. vivid pictures that when they hit me, are like an electric shock. they run from my brain down my back to my stomach. and hit me, hard. i have to shake my head, shake it off. i still cant believe it happened to her, and to me. there are burn marks on our carpet that are covered up by a rug. there are scars on her body that are healing, but so evident and such a reminder that life is fragile and sacred. there are scars in all of us, jeff, drew, nathan, anna, and myself.

but time heals.

on that night, one year ago….with the rest of our journey spanning before me, seemingly endless, i never could have imagined where we would be now.

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her birthday was sunday. she is ten. last year, she had just come out of surgery and we celebrated her birthday in a hospital room. her, barely cognizant of what was happening. me, barely holding on for dear life as my parents brought the other kids to see us. as i watched my oldest, my baby girl, in so much pain. as we sang happy birthday and gave her gifts that really didnt mean anything at all.

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over the course of six weeks, the hospital became our home. six weeks sounds so short when you type it out, or say it out loud. but when your entire life is on pause, when your entire life becomes the inner workings of a burn unit, when your entire life is held hostage by a tragedy, you are never the same.

i wanted to post this here, because this is where i came when i needed to express my pain. my fear. my joy as she got better. and this is the place where i got so much in return. so many of you helped to hold me up as i went through that time. and i just want to say thank you.

thank you so much. i could never express it enough.

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247 Comments

  2. Happy Birthday to dear sweet Mckenna. You are true true inspiration Tara. Your strength has been amazing andfrom that you have shared with everyone. We have all read your sorrows, read your joy and through it all have gained so much. The thanks need to be to you. Thank you for your being you.

  3. Tara,
    You have gone through so much. You have grown and given. Mckenna’s courage was a beacon for us all. Your special honesty about the process as a mother was defining for many of us. Your family is such a gift, and on a road that sometimes seems to long, or to hard, you remind us we can do it!

    Suzy

  4. I never really knew the whole story, but felt so lucky to have been turned onto your blog. Your photographs inspire me and McKenna’s courage to keep on going reminds me that I need to keep on going as well. I wish you and your family well.

  6. Happy Birthday dear McKenna. Bless your heart, Tara, I thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. You’ve helped me and inspired me to try harder, to make life better, to hug my kids and appreciate this sacred life more. Thank you.

  8. WOW Tara,
    Worlds apart and have never felt the pain that you have been through but a sit here with tears in my eyes for you…..thankyou for sharing, for being so honest, and reminding us what is so important!
    Lou (in Australia)

  9. oh tara. thank you. and i mean that from the deepest deep of my heart. in you i find this strength that I am so desperately searching for and clinging on to these days. if that seems weird, i am sorry. but i just wanted to thank you. i know your family’s story has not only touched my life, but A TON of others as well. You guys are SO special. and have so much strength. and love. and that is enough. you know? so once again, thank you- to all of you- just for being who you guys are.

  10. thank you for sharing- your writing is amazing…as is your photography, but i really love to “hear your voice” So happy for you that everything turned out OK. You are very blessed, but I don’t have to tell you that!

  13. Happy Birthday to McKenna!

    Like so many others, I started reading your blog about a year ago. I sobbed for you, laughed with you and was just generally in awe of your amazing spirit and your awesome family.

    I am very shy and have never posted here, but I wanted to share something. I am a 4th grade teacher here in SoCal and my students are currently gearing up for the state writing assessment. This last week their practice prompt was to choose any person whom they could spend one day with. They had to describe this person, and tell what they would do with this person during that one special day. As I was modeling the lesson, I brought out my camera, passed around several Simple Scrapbook mags with your work in it, and told them a little bit about you. I then proceeded to write about how you would be my person that I would pick because I admire you so much. Needless to say, they were inspired, and I got some of my best writing ever. None of them picked anyone off the wall, and all of them chose someone very meaningful. I just thought you should know you’ve been inspiring all of us who read your blog, but last week you helped inspire 31 fourth graders as well.

  14. Happy Birthday McKenna!! Congratulations Tara for surviving your year of hell!! Your strength has been an inspiration to me and by the number of comments on this particular entry you have been to many others also. I really appreciate you honesty in your blogging. You say what we all feel and that it so refreshing and helpful.

  16. This post reminds me of your blog from last year, when in addition to the incredible photos, you posted from the heart your day-to-day experiences and observations. I was so devastated when you changed format and wiped out the archives, but I’m glad to see the personal side of you here again. And I’m especially glad for the update on McKenna, because I’ve wondered how she’s progressing.

    Blessings to you and your family!

  17. Happy Birthday you Big Brave Girl McKenna, you are so loved by all of your family – and that is what you will remember best one day – pain fades away and love remains. Tara you are such a “mench”, stay strong and know you are admired world-wide. South African greetings to you and your family. xx

  22. T.. you are so eloquent, your voice so wise. You brought me to tears, feeling the pain of your family, and then I see that life infused photo. Amazing-you, your journey, that lovely girl, life. So thankful you are all doing so much better.
    Love ,joy

  26. Tara, wishing wonderful birthday wishes to McKenna. Her sweet smile glows in the birthday photo. Certainly her birthday will always have a bittersweet remembrance associated with it but you guys have traversed the trip to hell and back. You have much to be proud of and celebrate! Just the fact that McKenna is sitting smiling in the vicinity of lit birthday candles I imagine is a sweet victory from where you’ve come.

    Thanks for sharing your heart in your photos and your words and reminding us that every day is filled with real life, and that we can choose to make it good or make it something diverse.

    Congrats and hugs to McKenna and your family.

    Ciao,
    Dee

  32. you guys i am simply stunned. stunned as i sat and read comment after comment that poured through yesterday and this morning.

    jeff and i thank you all very much. it is incredible to know that so many people are out there that care so much about the fate of our family.

    thank you!

  36. Happy Birthday, McKenna!

    I found your blog about a year ago, too. Thank you for sharing so much with us – your story, your pictures and your thoughts and feelings. Wishing you all the best!

  37. wow. just wow. what a powerful and raw post. Happy Birthday McKenna dear! And to you Tara, you touched my heart with all you have been through.

    I lost 4 family members in a house fire as a child. We never forget the day, the moments or the memories. They do come back and haunt us.

    So CELEBRATE McKenna’s 10th birthday like you never have before! What a sweet girl she is, and what a strong woman and family you are!

    Blessings,
    Jacquie

  40. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. We will probably never meet but your words and photography are an inspiration to my daily life. You are such a strong person- your children are so lucky to have you to call, “Mom”. Unfortunately, nothing can prepare us Mothers for the eventual pain that will come about- but you have handled it all with such grace…you are a model to us all.
    Thanks again for letting us all be a part of your life.

  43. Hi Tara,

    I too found your blog after McKenna’s accident and even emailed you back in Nov 2005 about what happened (I am married to a Freifighter, hear many stories) and you very sweetly replied to me that you weren’t ready to bare the details, it was still too raw, that hopefully one day you’d be strong enough to share it.

    I am so glad you have reached that stage.

    Thank you for baring your emotions and making yourself vulnerable with this post. I was sobbing by the end, for all of it, what happened, what you’ve been through, how far you’ve all come and to see all the support you have from mostly ‘cyber strangers’

    I hope we aren’t cyber strangers forever, my friend Jen and I both covet (and are amongst the jealous ones from the GA to CA shoot you just did!) having you take photos of our families – if you even come to Florida, we’re booking you first!!

    Hugs to you and your 4 kiddies from me and my 4 kiddies :)

    Alice
    http://bertelsonfamily.com

  46. I am still so sorry you had to go thought this experience. I am moved by your words and gain strength from your strength. Thank you for being so open and letting us see your hurt, struggle,perseverance and wisdom. It makes me shutter inside to think of this painful experience, it makes me think how brave you are and makes me squeeze and hug my babies a little tighter. Please give your sweet McKenna a hug from me. You are a wonderful woman.

  49. Wow. your post brought me to tears as I imagined the events possibly happening to one of my own sweet ones. I thought of the countless times I, too, run out of the room or upstairs or wherever leaving them alone.
    thank you for reminding us how quickly something can happen (and does happen). thank you for reminding us how precious are dear ones are and how we need to cherish them each day.
    life is beautiful, isn’t?
    you are so blessed to have mckenna with you and i’m sure she knows that one hundredfold.

    prayers for you and yours as you continue to celebrate each of the precious souls God has given to your care!
    thank you for inspiring me!

  50. Mega hugs to you Tara! Thank you so much for sharing the full story. Sounds strange since you don’t know me well, but it really meant something to me as I read it. I’m actually almost in tears. You just relayed a story that is every mother’s fear. But you lived through it, your amazing daughter lived through it & every beautiful family member lived through it. And I’m so glad! I wish you the very best & a truly HAPPY 2006. Please give that sweet little girl a HUGE birthday hug from a me.. a stranger I know, but a fan of hers never the less!

    THANK YOU!!! And please do post more, I love it! Yours is the only one I visit every day just hoping for more amazing photos.

    Shannon

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