It is really so very interesting, watching your child become a person.

All of mine are either in the middle of, or soon entering, the phase of “tweendom”. With all of the good and bad that goes along with it. Some afternoons are straight up ABC after school special around here. They come home and unload on me about what was going on at school that day and I am just in shock that I am now the one that is being looked to for advice and they think I have the answers. Like elementary and middle school wasn’t complete TORTURE for me, and I have the keys they need for smooth sailing and total popularity. Thus far, they have managed to stay out of trouble, but some of the things they are dealing with in their circle of friends are seriously adult issues and it is scary and sad and hard to watch them as they learn to maneuver through the realities and complexities of real life. The first heartbreak. The first fight with a friend. The first time someone disappoints them. The first time they experience peer pressure. Just knowing all of this teenage angst is swirling so close around us is a very odd feeling.

This is where I am now. I am no longer changing diapers. I am navigating the halls of 1st grade, 4th grade, and middle school, like Jiminy Cricket on their shoulders.

You get to this place and you can either fight it, or let them grow up. You can get so hung up on who they were, that you don’t get to learn about who they are now. I want to know my children. I want to help them grow and experiment, without losing the core essence of what it means to be a child. I feel the sadness about the old days, and I see the dangers they face today.

But there is another side. A beautiful side.

And the beauty of it is that they are blossoming. They are becoming. They are fun to talk to, to learn about. They remember our inside jokes, and use them appropriately. It always surprises me when they say something smart and clever and it makes me laugh. Catches me off guard and I remember, “Oh, that’s right. They are humans now.” With their own sense of humor. Real people.

Jeff and I are beginning to see the evolution of who they started out as, and what they are growing into.

One who has really been on my radar lately is Nathan. He is 10, and in the tween “teeth falling out limbs too long for my body not little not big” stage. The one where you just don’t know where you belong. I love this stage as a parent. It is so endearing to me. I remember being 10 like yesterday, and living through that awkwardness everyday. I hated it. I was bad at it. I couldn’t wait to be 16. Knowing exactly how hard it can be, I have just been keeping an extra little eyeball on him.

The other day I was photographing him, and I saw this little peek of who he was as a toddler. This little spark of mischief, of innocence, of NATHAN. And I realized, he isn’t all that different. There are changes and personality shifts, but mostly what I saw was just HIM. The core of him. He was honestly such a hard toddler to discipline, so stubborn and soooo naughty. He almost put me over the edge. But his spirit was so sweet, quiet, gentle, and strong. He was delightful and goodhearted and children gravitated to him.

Last week, I saw that same exact thing emanating out of him.

(Nathan, in scanned film images from 2000-2002. Age 1-2)

(digital images from canon 10d. Age 3)

(Age 4)

Something like this, this sweet spirit of his, is the something you never want to change. Losing something like this as your child grows is devastating. And as he has shifted and grown, it has shifted and grown. He is no longer naughty and challenging. He is mellow and stubborn. He is more quiet and likes to check things out before he jumps in with both feet. He has changed, but this is all still in there. (Age 10)

And I hope with everything in my heart that he is able to continue to move through his life with this type of countenance, this type of being, even through all of the other changes.

My golden boy.

xo

Tara