35 and two weeks

Here, a collage of iPhone (mostly) self portraits taken throughout my last year on earth.

I turned 35 two weeks ago.

I am totally okay with that.

I have hated my birthday since the big THREE OH. Ever since turning 30, I have struggled every birthday.

This year, I was not sad and I didn’t hate my birthday. This year, I realized why.

In the past, I have chosen to live in the past. Every new birthday meant another year gone. All I saw was everything I was losing. Time, babies, lost moments, regrets. I couldn’t stand to see the passage of time in my own face. I wanted to go BACK. I wanted to DO OVER. I wanted to experience AGAIN. My babies were gone. My 20’s were gone. Didn’t that mean my life was gone?

And so, with each new birthday that came after the age of 30, I was sad. I was regretful. I was focusing on all that was.

Over my last year on earth, I have changed. I have finally been able to come to grips with the regrets of my past, and let them go. I knew 35 was coming. And yet, I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t looking backwards. Instead, I was looking at my life and the limited amount of time I have to be here. I was realizing how lucky I am to still be alive, when our lives are so fragile, when we have no control over when we will go for good. I was feeling grateful to have the chance to turn 35, and to EXPERIENCE another year. Yes, the signs of time are even more present upon my face. Yes, I have lost another year and I can’t go back and live it again. And yes, my children are even bigger.

The difference was this – I started living more in the moment. I stopped focusing so much on what was behind me, or what was coming up in my future. I was just taking every moment as it came. This is the life I have. This moment. This second. This body. This family. There is nothing else. And it turns out, when you are truly living moment to moment, you don’t miss the moments as much when they have passed, because you are able to fully experience them.

That is a concept I have always kind of known, we all know it, it is almost cliche. However, I have never experienced it in order to understand. This time I really understood.

This time I wanted to live in the moment of my birthday. I wanted to celebrate my life and the chance I had to live another year.

So, I took my birthday back. I thought long and hard about what I would want to do, all for myself.

I planned a trip to Palm Springs with Jeff. It would include: sleeping, drinking poolside, thrifting, reading, and more sleeping. And it did.

I am truly excited to see what comes up this year, and I know: no matter what, I am going to be okay.

My mantra for 35: I can do this.

-Tara