Here, a collage of iPhone (mostly) self portraits taken throughout my last year on earth.
I turned 35 two weeks ago.
I am totally okay with that.
I have hated my birthday since the big THREE OH. Ever since turning 30, I have struggled every birthday.
This year, I was not sad and I didn’t hate my birthday. This year, I realized why.
In the past, I have chosen to live in the past. Every new birthday meant another year gone. All I saw was everything I was losing. Time, babies, lost moments, regrets. I couldn’t stand to see the passage of time in my own face. I wanted to go BACK. I wanted to DO OVER. I wanted to experience AGAIN. My babies were gone. My 20’s were gone. Didn’t that mean my life was gone?
And so, with each new birthday that came after the age of 30, I was sad. I was regretful. I was focusing on all that was.
Over my last year on earth, I have changed. I have finally been able to come to grips with the regrets of my past, and let them go. I knew 35 was coming. And yet, I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t looking backwards. Instead, I was looking at my life and the limited amount of time I have to be here. I was realizing how lucky I am to still be alive, when our lives are so fragile, when we have no control over when we will go for good. I was feeling grateful to have the chance to turn 35, and to EXPERIENCE another year. Yes, the signs of time are even more present upon my face. Yes, I have lost another year and I can’t go back and live it again. And yes, my children are even bigger.
The difference was this – I started living more in the moment. I stopped focusing so much on what was behind me, or what was coming up in my future. I was just taking every moment as it came. This is the life I have. This moment. This second. This body. This family. There is nothing else. And it turns out, when you are truly living moment to moment, you don’t miss the moments as much when they have passed, because you are able to fully experience them.
That is a concept I have always kind of known, we all know it, it is almost cliche. However, I have never experienced it in order to understand. This time I really understood.
This time I wanted to live in the moment of my birthday. I wanted to celebrate my life and the chance I had to live another year.
So, I took my birthday back. I thought long and hard about what I would want to do, all for myself.
I planned a trip to Palm Springs with Jeff. It would include: sleeping, drinking poolside, thrifting, reading, and more sleeping. And it did.
I am truly excited to see what comes up this year, and I know: no matter what, I am going to be okay.
My mantra for 35: I can do this.
-Tara
YAY! I am so happy for you that you are living in the moment now! I am 43 and when I turned 40, I embraced it and I have been living in the moment ever since that day 3 years ago and my life, I can truly say, is SO much better now than it ever was.
happy birthday to you again, tara. i was just thinking of you today! love and light.
You said it, mama. There is so much good that is yet to come. So happy you are embracing every moment. Happiest of birthdays to you… you are (and look!) fabulous!!!
Love this… So glad you took your birthday back–you deserve to be celebrated and celebrate another year past. :) Heres to many more happy birthdays, dear friend. :)
so, so great. the photos, the attitude, you – the whole package!
beauty in the present.
:-) I like it!
And you can… and you can do it well!!!!!
Rock on, girl!!!! ;)
Happy Belated Birthday, Tara!!!!! :)
happy happy birthday! big huge hugs and wishing i could whisk you away to thailand to celebrate with a massage in krabi and some shopping in that market in bangkok. perhaps a meal in so cal will have to do! xo!
loves.
Way to go Tara! So excited to hear you are enjoying your 35th year and all life has to offer, ups and downs alike! Happy belated birthday, love your words, thanks to you for making me feel more confident in taking photos and for the fabulous you that you are too :)
Love this so much. Love you more. xo
Good for you! What a gift to give yourself.
I so enjoyed reading this.
You can definitely do this – 35 ain’t got nothing on us.
love and can i say you have the most perfect eyebrows! :) xo
you are gorgeous. sexy. funny. and 35. you rock lady.
Do you EVEN know how beautiful you are? I hope so. I havent minded my birthdays, but am not so deliberate about it. I will take your lead and try it.
Good for you. You are awesome and an inspiration. And…where did you get that fantastic camera strap?
Told my hubby just this past weekend that I wouldn’t trade my 42 year old self with my 32 year old self. Wisdom trumps my 32 year old body, my adventures, and even my babies. God willing, I can’t wait until I’m 92….
Love your mantra. :)
I adapted that attitude towards birthdays a few years ago, and I gotta tell ya – it’s the way to go. Looking behind is great, I love that I have all those memories, but I really can’t wait to make more!
Happy Birthday :):):)
it’s a liberating feeling and it only gets better and better…so long as you keep those thoughts in mind;) happy 35th.
35 was a great year for me, it will be for you too! You are beautiful!! Happy Birthday.
Or better yet: “I am doing this”!
I think you are one hip, cool and rad woman. truly. If I lived close I would want to be your friend.
Happy Birthday!
Happy Belated birthday!!
Age is only a number. I’m going to be 39 next month. As much as I shutter at the number, I love the age I am. Growing older teaches wisdom and has allowed for an inner peace I hadn’t been able to achieve when I was younger.
You are a wonderful woman who has experience so much and can share so much. The past has brought you to today and today will lead you into tomorrow, so make today great!
xo
Wow, what a great post. Very inspiring…..thank you.
happy belated birthday!
Happy Birthday!!!
Happy belated Birthday, Tara! You are beautiful inside and out!
So many times I want to just link to your blog and say “yeah . ..what she said!”. . .except my number was 40 not 35 and we didn’t go to Palm Springs, but to another sunny-beachy place, and I dream about going back all the time; I’m fighting every day to love the present moment because I just don’t have time to waste on the those horrible negative thoughts; Happy Birthday-and-two-weeks, btw!
this warmed my heart. happy birthday.
Hi Tara, Happy 35th! Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all downhill from here, it’s all uphill…no, that’s not right…wait…nevermind. Your never to old to glean some great advice from the wise Sesame Street folk. : http://youtu.be/cyVzjoj96vs
35 looks fabulous on you, babe. Love you.
happy 35th and 2 week birthday, you look amazing and not a day over 29. xoxo
It’s funny how we know things deep down, but sometimes it takes an “ah ha” moment for them to click with us. 35….ha, the world is your oyster! Also, people are like cars…they don’t get going until they hit at least 75 (at least the way I drive)! So live it up this next year and happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Tara! Was just thinking about this today (growing old that is) and remembering that I once heard someone say that “Growing old is a privilege” and its true! I think we all need to live in the moment a little more! Oh and you look gorgeous girl!!!
Gosh, I just love this. The collage, the words, the sentiment of living in the moment and soaking the NOW in.
p.s. You’re looking FAB, TW! The 30’s agree with you. ( :
Oh sweetie I turned 46 this year and from now on I will be 36 :) and it feels goooooood !!! :) :)
Like your photos, I think I will do that too. Anyway you look good :)
Alette
xx
happy birthday! very good attitude! i think i can relate a lot, i used to hate my birthdays before, but someplace between 34 and 36 i realised it is ok to get older and it does not mean anything negative at all :) you are beautiful, i absolutely love the last photo. i am a regular your blog reader and a huge fan of your work.
you have AWESOME hair.
Present is the only thing we can control !!!
Happy 35 !!!
Lucky you you are still in your 30´s, I turned 40 this year and it is still a year of heavy thoughs….ha ha ha
Enjoy your day !!! Love your photos !!!
I would love to know how you do it Tara, because this is something I am massively struggling with! I turn 30 in Sep next year and am dreading it, I don’t want to give up my youth….. your words help me to see that I shouldn’t be fearing that though. Although we are coming back to Cali for my 30th and of course, that means a possible photoshoot to celebrate (commiserate?!) the big three-oh! :)
Happy belated and I LOVE this post!! :) Go you! :)
“we can not write our life story if we continue to reread the last chapter”….or something like that-saw it on pinterest:) Happy 35th. be well!
I feel what you are saying. Next year I will take my birthday back, too.
CLARIFICATION: “you can’t start the next chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last.” I feel better now:)
I just turned 37, but I think I want to be you when I grow up.
I am 35, i feel the same way, maybe a little bit less optimistic some days more than others, i was just thinking how people my age dont really frequent the local clubs anymore, unless theyre pervs or something, here where i live everything is designed for young people, i feel like i dont fit in anymore, so i got depressed, today is the first day decided to listen to de Dr. and take the them silly depression pills, big step for me, so trust me everything started the same way for me, you gotta put a stop to this cause hey! We are alive and in great health (although my knees are still cracking and hurt with the cold weather)other than that we have gorgeous healthy babies to take care of so keep it up, i will try hard myself too! You are not alone…
I really love this Tara. I have caught myself being regretful about age too since I feel like I am so behind in life. Thanks for reminding me to just get over it and wholeheartedly embrace what I’ve got :)
amen.
xx