Right now I am on the verge of something.
For a long time now – through 2009, 2010, and now into 2011 – I have been working toward change. I have gone through so much and have grown up along the way. It has taken tremendous thought – buckets of tears – endless late night talks – and weekly therapy – to get to where I am right now. I have changed my relationships, my attitudes about life, and really feel like I have found myself in the middle of it all.
So now here I am. What do I do with all of this new knowledge?
This spot is rough. Because I am scared.
I feel like there are two of me, fighting against each other. One Tara is trying to keep things the way they were – afraid to go for it and DO SOMETHING NEW. Afraid for things to change. Afraid to succeed. Afraid to fail. Afraid of being out of control, not knowing what is around the bend. The other Tara is suffocated by the choices she desperately wants to quit making, yet stronger, more sure of herself, more grown up. This Tara loves the feeling of not knowing what is coming – feels alive when she embraces that feeling, and drops the anxiety. But she is still afraid to succeed, and afraid to fail.
I can kind of see what path I need to be traveling down. If I don’t take my next natural steps, the ones I know are mine to make, I will be failing myself.
I am sure of it.
And yet…
I feel like a tiny little yellow bird who is overlooking a big, luscious, green valley. It stretches away from me as far as my eyes can see. I am teeny tiny at the top. A speck. I have never flown across this valley. I have no idea how far it reaches, or if I will make it to the other side.
But I have to take the next step. I have to trust myself.
I have to get off the ground.
Tara
just a reader/admirer of work but still so proud of you. can’t wait.
Fly, little birdie, fly! Best of luck to you in whatever this endeavor is. You are an inspiring, shining, sparkly, brilliant light. XO
soar wherever your heart leads. it will lead you to safety and happiness if you let it. you are an inspiration x
You have me very curious! :)
I completely understand being afraid of both succeeding and failing. It’s strange and tiresome. Follow your heart. (I know that sounds cliche)
I can’t wait to hear about your new journey in your life.
Spread your wings bc this life passes by in an instant.
((hugs)) Sometimes we are force into change (as I was when my husband died 8 months ago) and find that we can still FLY! Nothing is the same as it was before (except my undying love for my children) and yet I am still me. A new me. But a good me. I hold positive thoughts in my heart for you.
Fly, little bird, fly… stretch your wings… coast the air currents and fly…
Take the steps; enjoy the journey. xoxo
You know what I love about your blog? look at all the support you get :) It’s such a positive place. No need to fear my friend. I know that everything you do comes from a genuine place and THAT is beautiful. ALWAYS. :)
Love you.
You come from me but your not me….remember that. For all the reasons we become who we are we have within us the ability to choose better. More times than I can count I have chosen to remain on the sidelines of myself because the fear of change was more painful than what I wanted to be free from.It is safe, it is comfortable, it is what I know. And it is my worst enemy. You are not me. And I am not that little girl anymore without a voice. But even knowing that, I continue to struggle with it everyday. My wish for you is to find the strengths that are my weaknesses. We are all on the verge. Tip toe to the edge of the canyon. Bird on a branch pondering. We can be thirty or sixty or?? Same verge, different landscape….Take the step and trust yourself. Be proud in the fact your pondering.Just plunge. PS Your not me BUT Never forget how much I LOVE YOU because you came from me.And it is one of the things I got so right…..
Are you going to start shooting film? Don’t know why, but for some reason I’m getting that premonition…
You will not be able to stop your evolution, even if you want to…it’s like the aging process. Even if you try not to fly, you WILL eventually get pushed off the ledge. You might as well prepare for it and plan the best time for you; then JUMP off!
My god, you have an amazing mother!
I have nothing to add as she has given you the wisest counsel of all.
I for one, admire you for sharing this. I know many people, myself included, have either been in this spot or are currently in this place of personal and / or professional struggle.
I’m sure no matter what it is Tara you’ll fly high and never look back. Be thankful for the experiences that have brought you to this place as they are what have molded you into the person you are again personally and professionally.
Fly…….. and I can’t wait to see what you have planned for yourself! ;-)
Oh Tara, meet your sister , I know just where you’re coming from ! As the mum of 3 kids ranging from 7 to 14 , I’ve just applied to do a degree in photography next year and it’s so bloody scary, if I think about it for too long or too much I don’t think I’d do it . We have to just make the leap, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself anyway ! Best of luck with your decisions pet x
i’m not sure if you are religious or not but i read this everyday and it makes feel sure of myself in whatever i am doing: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Nothing better or more powerful to say than your mom. Your feet have already left the branch, but you just can’t feel it yet. Look down. There’s nothing under our feet but blue sky, and opportunity.
first of all, your mom sounds wonderful. what a loving comment she left.
listen to your heart. bravery isnt the absence of fear, its stepping into something in spite of the fear. and you are a brave little bird.
and remember, the universe always rewards action. doing something is always better than doing nothing.
lastly, you are not alone. there are legions of your “fans” cheering for you, supporting you and wanting the best for you.
You go girl, whatever you do it will be brilliant!
I ADORE YOU Tara!!!
xoxo
tara pp
p.s. tears & more tears reading the post from your momma….oh she is one beautiful lady and she is so right, she sure did something good for the world when she gave birth to you tara whitney!
tara
Beautiful. Real. Your posts ground me. Do it. I’m rooting for you.
As I read your post I thought to myself ‘I need to share my wall paper quote with Tara’ and then I realized, I think I grabbed it from your blog or facebook. “If you want something you’ve never had before, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done before.” Drina Reed I’m in a similar space and having this on my computer reminds me to be brave. As always, thanks for sharing with all of us in such an honest way. xoxo
When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” Edward Teller
You can do it Tara! And so can I… xoxox
Sending encouragement. Also, I envision your bird with tiny red head phones listening to a “spanning the valley” play list.
I always look forward to your adventures. Your work is so honest and so beautiful you are an amazing woman. I dont know you and yet it pours out in your work and the words you write. Best of luck
this made me cry. i feel like i know exactly what you are talking about, only i am at the beginning of my journey. and very scared. sending positive thoughts of hope, strength and peace your way.
jes
I have no idea what issues you are referring to but I can say this about it all…sounds like you are ready to take a leap of faith and the BEST leap of faith I ever took, changed my life in such a wonderful and positive way and although it was scary, I knew in my heart, I had to take the step…I think that most Leaps are scary but if you trust in your gut, then it will all work out! Good luck and remember you only live once!
Wow! Your words really struck a chord with me today. I can definitely relate to that in-between/stuck feeling. The image of the little yellow bird over the big green valley–just beautiful! I just happened along your blog the other day and glad I kept that window open! I wish you well in your flight. Enjoy!
Tara.. what ever you do.. your heart and mind set are in the right place.. you are doing the right thing for you.. and thats what is always right
swiss-miss posted this today and thought it was very fitting:
Days are getting shorter:
You do get to a certain point in life where you have to realistically, I think, understand that the days are getting shorter, and you can’t put things off thinking you’ll get to them someday. If you really want to do them, you better do them. There are simply too many people getting sick, and sooner or later you will. So I’m very much a believer in knowing what it is that you love doing so you can do a great deal of it.
Nora Ephron
Film Director, Producer, Screenwriter, Novelist
Source: ‘I Remember Nothing’: Nora Ephron, Aging Gratefully
Spread them wings and fly, girl. You’ll be free & loving life. Succeed or fail, it doesn’t matter. It’s the journey that does matter.
I so hear you on the changing and the thinking, the finding and the verge. I’m right there too. Good for you for DOING what you need to do and FEELING what you need to feel and owning it all.
fly, soar, perhaps crash a little, then pick yourself up and fly higher.
The only way is UP :)
Do it, you’ll love yourself for it! :)
When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be given wings to fly.
tara-
you are an amazing woman and whatever you do will work out…try to follow your heart and embrace whatever you do- big or small! and remember that happiness is now!
Oh the wonderfulness of life. So unexpected and challenging…rewarding and wonderful. Change is hard, and I think only gets harder as we get older (because we know how hard it can be). Good luck to you…wherever your change is taking you.
you’ll find your way, tara, making the best decision for you.
What a great post! I think we all get to that point sometime. It can be hard to push through and bust out of the box. Thanks for the insight.
I so know how you are feeling.
May that little yellow bird soar far and wide.
atta girl!
I think you have just described exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. I am in a rut I can’t get out of. And yet, I desperately need to. But I don’t know how.
fly Tara fly!!!
LOOOOVE the bag!!!
Oops, sorry, commented on the wrong section for the bag. Thank you for sharing this post though!
I felt this way in my early thirties, but I sort of let fear win out. Now I’m in my forties and am really trying to live out my dreams! Don’t wait, it will only haunt you later. Leap a little at a time if the big leap seems to daunting. Kaizen, baby!Small steps will lead you to big change. Even though I don’t know you personally, I’m sending you lots of love and hope through prayer and good vibes. May you happily embrace the new, and give a sweet wave goodbye to who you were, not with regret, but with a renewed sense of self and purpose. Remember, it’s all good.
Sometimes not knowing where you are is where you will become to rediscover yourself.
Oh Tara, don’t just stay in the hotel room and watch the ocean…go swim in it. ;)
(I say this as a girl from Kentucky who travels 10 hours to get to a beach – ha!)
Talk to God, cry to God, leave all of your burdens with God, and when you finally BELIEVE in your soul that God will NOT let you fall……JUMP!!!! You will make the landing much easier for the kids and your hubby! Trust me, I know. For real.
I’m a follower of your work and blog. I literally just finished reading Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson. If you haven’t read it yet, it’s a simple, cute story (bonus, it only takes about two hours to read) that will inspire you to make changes and hopefully make it easier, funner and better for you. Just thought I’d pass that along. :) Good luck!