Somehow, the nickname “the babies” has stuck for the younger two of our children. It started as a tease/joke and has stuck around as a term of endearment. Mostly, only Jeff and I use the term. We refer to them that way because they are still in the same elementary school. So we say things like, “Have you picked up the babies?” “I am on my way to drop off the babies.” “The babies need their lunches dropped off today,” etc. I imagine next year with them in different schools the nickname might die. I wonder if someday when they are the last two left at home, in high school, we might start referring to them this way again…that is a funny thought.
So, one afternoon sometime in November, I picked the babies up from school and was struck with how the sun was streaming across their playground. It was literally glorious! Crisp clean golden light. The trees were back-lit and sparkling. I could hardly take my eyes off them as I drove away. You guys must know what a light nerd I am by this point, right? I had Mckenna in the car already, and swung by to pick Drew up from school, completing the gathering of the chicks. As we pulled into the driveway, I told them about the light, and asked if they would be willing to go back to the school so that I could photograph them in it. They were all like, shrug, sure, right now? And I said yes, please, go to the bathroom, drop off your backpacks and meet me back in the car.
The sun (and the children) gave me just about fifteen minutes. I could have wrangled for more time but what I got was just enough. Just enough to get a bunch of pictures that I love, and two pictures that I need. That I didn’t know I needed.
I wonder, does it feel that way for you too? You see a photograph of someone you love (whether you took the photo or not) and it feels like you just found something that was missing? It has captured them in such a way, that until it was frozen into a picture, you didn’t even know it was something you thought was important enough to remember?
This is one of those.
I needed to photograph them on just this day. With the clothes that they picked to wear to school and their rainbow of shoes. Those colorful shoes just really, really make me smile. This was any day. A nothing day. I can’t remember one thing about it other than this moment. No one was prepped, it was come as you are, stand in the light, and then chase each other around the jungle gym until after dark. Just …. us, them, life.
I came home and opened the images while Anna did homework beside me. I emailed them to a few of my closest friends, sharing the story. My friend Margie emailed me right back and what she wrote touched me to the core. She said, “The fact that you went back to take the shots…it says so much about your life. Like it isn’t rushed. You have time with your kids where you can say..hang on let’s do this! And then they are willing??? They weren’t all like..’oh my gosh mom, I have tv to watch!’ I feel like I can breathe when I look at these. They’re beautiful. Love their expressions. Their clothes that they picked out themselves. Their willingness to understand that good light takes priority in life! LOVE THIS.”
That feedback from her was a gift, as all of her feedback tends to be. It helped me see something about me right now that I couldn’t really see. And that is, I am breathing again.
Two years ago I was stuck, depressed, afraid, unsure. If you’d like to know more, I wrote about it here. Back then I started a process towards true mental health and a fulfilling, meaningful marriage and life. Because that is what I need. Slowing down. Being truly present in the moments of my day, not divided. Not as much multi-tasking. Stretching, learning things about myself that hurt, but helped me change. And I am changing. It is hard, but I am doing it. Margie helped me see, I’ve stopped hurrying to the next thing, over and over all day long. The way I used to live.
Everyone is so busy. I see updates and read blogs all about a lot of busy, thriving people. Sometimes I feel that by making the changes that I have, I am not thriving, I am missing something. Especially in the photography industry, it always seems like someone is getting a book deal, someone is traveling to Barbados, someone else is photographing a celebrity. Then there’s me. I’m usually at home. There is a good and a bad side to every choice. I am missing something. But this is what I know: Right now my life is all about these people. It won’t always be. I will have an empty nest eventually. I know that I wasted a lot of their life running and running to the next stage, the next level of development, the next next next. I know that I wish I could do it over again. I know that time has passed, and I can’t. I know that I want to be different now. I know that I don’t do well when I am busy. I get anxious and sick and absentminded. Being busy does not look good on me, no matter how much I want it to.
Even still, I have to constantly remind myself that being busy does not bring meaning to my life.
Giving my children the kind of life where we stop everything for fifteen minutes in the light, giving myself that kind of life…that definitely does.
I saw this quote online sometime this week, can’t remember where, but it has stuck with me. I made this (feel free to download it/screencap it/whatever it) and I thought it was the perfect ending for this post.
What kind of life do you want? What are you doing to get it?
xo
Tara
Again! No words to describe how I feel when I read your posts. Thank you. Keep doing what you do with your beautiful family and beautiful life. You are brilliant in soooooo many ways. Blessings to you and everyone you touch.
Beautiful, as always. I have a hard time reading here these days without tears in my eyes.
Absolutely gorgeous: the words, the photos, the honesty.
tara, oh man, everything i say will come out cliche, but i’m so thankful that you’ve inspired me on so many levels. as a photographer. as a mom. as a human being. thank you. i know its hard sometimes. hard to miss out. but i feel the reaffirmation every day of where i’m needed when i look at my three little ones.
Oh Tara. This hit me to the core.
We moved into my in-laws house with our three kids (2, 4 and 5) in October to save for our first home. We are working so hard right now so that we can buy a home and have some savings so that we can slow down. If we had stayed in our last living situation we would have kept working hard and gotten nowhere.
I can’t wait to slow down. A few more months and we can! This was such a beautiful reminder of what we’re working so hard to achieve. Thank you.
beautifully expressed. i have been working on that same journey toward a healthy mental state- and i have had to accept that i need to live smaller than a lot of people can. i am slow. i need a lot of sleep. i need a lot of alone time. i need lots of time with my family to feel connected. it can be really hard to be ok with that in the world we live in. i think a main part of my journey is saying that’s ok and really believing it. i think of your motto “just be” all the time when i’m being hard on myself for not “accomplishing” what i think i should be able to. anyway, a novel. but just wanted to say i concur and think you are rad.
Like Margie, as I read your story, I was thinking about how wonderfully unrushed your life is. It literrally (I can NEVER spell that word) made me take a deep breath while I read it. Anyway, I have to share something with you…it may get wordy. Today I had a thought about you. I was thinking about how you photograph people just being themselves and living their lives but in doing that you capture something that they wanted but didn’t know that they wanted until they see it in the image. I was thinking that you are so ahead of the game. I cruise so many photography sites…SO MANY…and I don’t see anything like you anywhere. You are really something special. That was what I was thinking as I was driving down the street to get the kids from school, anticipating my images from you. Now I sit here and read your post and I read that you feel like you are behind in the scene. Tara, you are not behind…you have lapped the rest of them! Keep being you. You are something very special.
That is Margie – she is good for the soul and truly knows how to be a friend – there is no other like her and so happy to call her my friend too…
Somehow you always capture what is playing in the back of my mind. It is so true about what you said re: other photographers and the industry in general. Someone is always doing something, making you think, but I want to do that. Or SHOULD I be doing that? It puts this weird pressure on us. I have a hard time turning that off and doing what’s right for me.
Beautiful post as always. xo
I am 19, alone and struggling with why I should continue to live this life when I feel so depressed all of the time. I do not believe that I will ever have a family or children, the kind of life that I want.
Reading this simple post helps me hang onto the idea that it is possible to change my life, that there is still hope for me to create the kind of life I want. Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes, it is that way for me with a picture now and again, seeing an unplanned treasure that I can no longer live without. I want an unhurried life, a life full of laughter and sharing around the dinner table, a life where my kids feel comfortable telling me the hard stuff. I want to be more present. Busy does not have a place in any of those things.
I’m not a photographer but I sew and quilt and lately been thinking about what direction to go in…this post brought so much into perspective. I have 4 kids too and they are growing up so fast – one day they’ll be out of the house and I don’t want to look back and realize I spent all that time on the sewing machine and not with them…
I would rather give my clients images that are as real as yours then photograph any celebrity. You can’t get these images and memories in Barbados. I’ve been reading/stalking your blog for years, since I first picked up a camera. You have been and always will be an inspiration to me as a photographer, mom, and a woman. For these little windows into your soul I am eternal grateful! xxoo
Hello! And so I meet another great writer…. I love your thoughts on not only dwelling on the good, but finding the truth. A quote shared many times before: “What are you gonna do with your one wild and precious life?” by Mary Oliver. I think you are certainly asking that question of yourself often in your writing here and your answers are so rich! What a blessing!
Tara,
Wow. I am always amazed at your insight and wisdom gained through the things you have gone through. I read your blog often and don’t comment much but this post compelled me to. Thank you for talking about the importance of slowing down. Our society tends to focus on the race, so I must say this was a beautiful, calming and reassuring piece to read.
XO
Tara- reading this post and seeing these pictures made my heart feel full. Thank you.
I just had to comment, because your story, and especially that last quote, hit me to the core. Tears are running down my cheeks. I just got news a few days ago that in a nutshell will make it difficult for me to get pregnant. I’m still torn up about it. But I realize I’m just scared because I need to do a little more work to get what I want–a baby. It’s not impossible, just harder. Thank you so much for sharing this :)
wow..thanks so much for sharing this! so awesome! you are living your life according to your #1 priority your family..and yeah you may be missing stuff..but it will all come to you 10 fold when you are ready for it! not sure if this is your cup of tea or not, but an exercise lady i love (i think she lives in your neck of the woods) is doing a 30 day goal challenge…just to get you to think of what you really want and make sure you are doing things according to your priorities..you may like it..http://www.chalenejohnson.com/30daychallenge/index.html it really has changed my life already in just the 20 days i have done it and recommend it to everyone! it is totally free and worth the few minutes each day!
I love seeing other photographers with families on this same path as us. It’s a hard road to travel and Josh and I remind ourselves of that all the time. Finding a balance between running a successful business and REALLY raising a family is HARD. But I think the bond that you are building as a family (and in your marriage) is so worth the struggle. Keep it up! We always try to remember that we don’t have to be wildly successful (and popular). We just have to be successful enough to keep photography as our ONLY job so that we can maximize that family time.
I look so forward to each of your posts. I usually don’t comment (sorry) but feel such a personal connection with you each time I see a shoot you’ve done or a glimpse into your life. Today, however, it sounded as if you were speaking words right out of my head. Guess you could say our lives are in a similar place right now. Thank you for being so honest with yourself and the world. I’m still struggling with the honest with myself part, learning to go easy on myself and have a little compassion for little ol me. It’s a journey I have only just begun but you give me hope I’ll get where I want to be soon. So proud of you for the changes you’ve made and the wonderful person that you are. Thank you for inspiring me.
It is indeed a Kind of Life … Inspiring entry + lively and warm photo.
love your posts of this kind.
i really, really do.
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i have had a similar journey over the past year that i can’t really get my heart or mind around typing out here in a way that actually explains it. but i will share with you a few parts + thoughts:
– – – –
there was this huge part of my life, which i’d was my primary focus + definitely the component of my life that most defined me as a person. this part of my life was why i lived the life i did everyday + was interwoven with all my dreams + long-term goals.
my efforts on this were constant. it was everything to me + it got everything from me.
– – – –
last year (actually a year to the day on this saturday), it all came to an abrupt, hurtful, devastating halt. everything came crashing down.
– – – –
for a while, i just wanted to fill that void. i kept pushing down the same route, hoping to get to the same end results.
– – – –
but finally i let my vision go.
not that i was resigning myself to be unfulfilled.
i simply realized i could still get to the end goal, but take a different route. or maybe, the route was right for me, but that was the part i needed to focus on – not what it was supposed to lead to, in my head.
i blogged a drop of that here: http://jessohbee.blogspot.com/2010/08/i-telegram-hologram.html and said: “me, maybe a year ago or further back, would have stubbornly kept my original goals in sight + forged ahead adamantly, refusing to believe that once i got to them, they wouldn’t hold exactly what i hoped they would. i would cling, white knuckled, to these timelines + plans, + end results i had wired my brain to believe were the only path for me.” such a huge step for me to let those go…
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the other thing that resonated with me was when you said being busy does not add meaning to your life. my god, this was a hard, hard, hard, hard thing for me to understand + accept. i’m still grappling with it. when my dream was halted + my world came crashing down, i had more silence + more time than i could ever recall having. and to me, those things represented loss + void.
– – – –
so they were the enemy. i kept busy so i did not have to think or feel. my mind couldn’t wander. i couldn’t find myself reminiscing about what i lost.
– – – –
and their presence felt like failure. because to me, if i was busy, that meant i was moving toward something more, something better, a future life. it meant i wasn’t accepting “here and now.” i’m still filling my days + life up, still making myself go-go-go, but i’m trying to find peace (not fear or anxiety) in the stillness.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so busy all the time and constantly feel that in an attempt to move my business forward, I losing precious time with my daughter. It is nice to know someone so creative and successful feels the same and that it is ok to slow down. It won’t always be this way…..
this is why we love you Tara – you are true to yourself and challenge all of us to do the same. . .thank you
Thanks so much for sharing. Exactly what I needed to hear.
Oh my goodness! I have tears in my eyes! First of all, YES! I love when we get those surprise images we didn’t know that we needed. And as I was reading, I was thinking exactly what your friend Margie said. I love that you took the time and that your kids were willing. LOVE!!!
whether you know it or not, you are truly an inspiration. your pictures, but more than that, the words, stories that go along with them. simply inspiring. it has been my goal this year – and for the rest of my life – to enjoy moments. to see moments. to smile more. we only have this one life. who knows if we get a re-do or not. i am choosing to live like we don’t. thank you so much.
I made this my background screen. How true is this? Very.
your posts are like a breath of fresh air. my youngest is 2.5 so it is tough to say “let’s take a photo! i love the light!! ” believe me, i try often! i will keep trying and when they are older i can only hope that my kiddos will be sweet enough to be so spontaneous and allow me to capture them just the way they are. thank you for reminding us to enjoy our lives and our kids right NOW. you aren’t missing anything and these photos are living proof of that. i absolutely love these shots of your sweet kids.
tara, I am moved to tears. My favorite quote was this: “I’ve stopped hurrying to the next thing, over and over all day long. The way I used to live.”
I’m in a season of my own life, where I’m living the same. I just loved that you said, “the way I used to live”. I’m hoping I’m doing the same. Really, really, beautiful post. I’m reading this book called, “ordering your private world” by Gordon MacDonald. This post reminded me so much of what I’m trying to live. thank you thank you for sharing. Hope it’s okay, I’m going to share this with my friends who’re reading the book with me.
I read this in tears. And I want to thank you – cos my kids are only 4 and 6, so I can turn it around now and not waste any more time.
This post was a gift to me. I needed to read it. I’m just starting out – a two year old and one on the way – and find myself being so busy and striving to become more that sometimes I worry I’m missing out on the present. Thanks for the perspective.
love this. and really, reading anonymous’ comment above, i’m so thankful you wrote this today for her/him to read. thank.you.
So weird. I had the same insight this morning, in the shower, after getting up early for a change and doing 10 minutes of pilates and meditating before going to work so that I could try to find my quiet center before charging into the madness that is often my day. If I want to see changes in my life, I have to change my habits. Like actually really stop the routine and adopt a different one. Thanks for sharing this.
I fell in love with photography because of being head over heels in love with my children. When I eventually started my business, my plan was to keep it part time so that I could be home while they are young but it quickly became overwhelming. One day my son told me that he no longer wanted to be a photographer when he grew up because then he would have to spend all his time on the computer instead of playing with his kids. My heart broke but it was just what I needed to put things into perspective and so was this post. Last year, I made better decisions to live more intentionally, enjoy the moments with my family and use my gift to bless others. I know that I will never be able to keep up with what others are doing & I am beginning to be okay with that. Thank you for sharing.
So many things to say…so many things to thing about it… but you did the right thing , you feel the moment… and It seems we are so in rush all the time, that we forget how to feel… but you did…… we all need to do this…
My motto is there are pros and cons to everything – like you said about there being good and bad sides to things. Like you sharing this and pushing through these hard times are helping other people. Like my friend getting pregnant from rape at 18 and she now has one of the most wonderful children doing great on scholarship at college.
My Aunt used to lament that we are human Beings and yet we are always living like human Doings. I would LOVE the opportunity to do what you did. To just take the moment (and have willing children participate). To NOT be busy. To have friends who don’t COMPETE with you by how busy, busy they are. To be aware of the light and take the time to capture it, live in it, together with the people you love. That is exactly what I aspire to and probably the reason I am so completely drawn to and romanced by your gift.
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Dear Anonymous 19 year old – I pray that you are NOT as alone as you feel. Reach out to others. Lift your chin up and meet their gaze. There are people in this world that care about you, or would if given the chance. So many of us have felt similar to how you are feeling right now – or have loved ones that have had similar struggles. Things CAN get better. With time, reaching out to others, taking care of yourself. You would be amazed with how many people around you right now would love to lift you up if they knew you needed it. There is a support system out there for you. I hope it finds you NOW.
As I read the paragraph starting “Everyone is so busy.” it really hit me inside. It is exactly how I feel. I am so glad I’ve taken the time to slow down and get reconnected to myself and my family before my photography business ate me alive.
Thank you as always Tara for being so real in what you share here on your blog. It is so encouraging to see that others are going through the similar issues you are and that someone else feels the same way you do.
you dont know me, but I <3 you xx I hope to know you one day :)
I love love love the pictures of your children. And I love the way you take time to recognize the beauty in the ordinary. Isn’t that what gives us peace, contentment and hope in life? That every day has beauty in it, that even small things can be wonderful, that ordinary is by itself, extraordinary? We have a ritual in our home, because we are lucky enough to be on a hill with an unobstructed view of the horizon / mountain range in the distance, where we watch the sunset. We oohh and ahhh at it every night. Its ordinary, its beautiful, its mysterious, and it happens every day. Go figure. Happiness is always right there if you choose to see it. And you do. Thats why I love your blog! Thanks.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I needed to hear this from another photographer-mom. This has been weighing heavily on my heart, and I am determined, now, more than ever, to slow down and enjoy my babies while they are still young and fun. lol. Please do not stop sharing these little important tidbits of your life. Your insight is enlightening, inspirational, and sometimes your stories give me the biggest laugh of my day.
Hugs from Canada. :)
Carlin
I needed to read your words ~ at that exact moment. Thank you!
amen, tara. perfect.
Thank you, Tara, for your openness. I do not “do” busy well, either, so I am learning. And I am so grateful to be learning the lesson now, rather than 20 years from now. Still, I feel regrets for missing out on things because I felt I needed to be busy, be doing, be “productive.” So glad to know I am not alone. You inspire me…as always. Thank you.
sometimes the light takes my breath away and i feel as though the entire world has stopped, and nothing else seems to matter. i’m so glad to find out i’m not the only one that feels this way. thanks for sharing :)
THANK YOU for this post Tara.
i do love you
I love those pictures. You’re right, the light is awesome.
I call mine ‘babies’ too. Always have, probably always will.