personal project \\ six people twelve times \\ 05.10

** all images in this entry were taken by my friend Bonnie Berry.

We were so lucky in May to be able to have our family photos taken by my friend Bonnie. It was a lovely experience, that started out with Bonnie and I spending almost four hours in a booth at my favorite Mexican restaurant, talking and sipping margaritas, and letting time slip right by. We got an alarmed phone call from Jeff at almost 5pm wondering where we were…he was home manning the ship and waiting for us. We got home and got everyone ready as fast as we could. Mckenna spilled chili on the shirt I asked her to wear, Anna coudn’t find her bucket and shovel, I had to dry her hair a bit, Nathan had lost his rash guard, Kenna was losing it a bit, it was craziness. I had to let it roll though, that is my life, and Bonnie was snapping away. We got to the beach and it was windy. REALLY WINDY! Snappy cold kind of windy. I swear the wind is out to get me this year. We made the best of it. The kids changed into their suits and played in the water. Bonnie pulled each person that is dearest to me away, one by one, to spend some time with me and her camera. It is all a blur really, a fun, happy, love filled blur. It will be a memory I think of with fondness for the rest of my life. I am so grateful. Bonnie was nice enough to sneak me a few of the images to use for this post, I have yet to see the rest, and I can’t wait.

Oh and these photos of us. Of us. That is us. And I didn’t take them. I didn’t see it first. She did. The colors and our faces and Mckenna’s mischievous eyes and the sticker residue on the back of her hand, Anna and her favorite pony sitting on her favorite place (me), Drew leaning on me with major beach hair, Nate’s hands, Jeff in my favorite green hoodie, the one I want to snuggle in and that has his smell attached, the pink band aid on my finger. I have stared at these images for so many minutes at different times of my week that I might have spent hours. I can feel the beach on us. She captured a moment for me that I love so much, all of us just off the beach, sandy and salty, cold and in sweatshirts. I love us like this.

I have been fighting off writing. I haven’t been able to focus on it. I have been sitting here forcing myself to look at the month of May, and I don’t want to force this. I had to let myself off the hook for a few days and work on changing my attitude. I do want to do this. It is better not to force it. This is important to me. This is important to Jeff. If I keep this up, we will have a permanent keepsake and record of the year we had in 2010. It might not seem like much right now, but in ten years it will. The 43 year old me REALLY wants the 33 year old me to do this. And so with a happy heart I return, to talk about May.

Jeff and I got to see two of our personal favorites in concert this month. First was Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers, for him, although I love that Roger Clyne quite a lot. He performed to a very small crowd, and he performed like it was Woodstock. He let the crowd choose his set list, so we got to hear some rarely played live songs. We got a deal on our own private room at The Coach House. We shared appetizers and drinks and talked and laughed at ourselves. We also might have gotten caught making out (twice) by our waitress. We were carefree and fun and silly and it was a magic night. Second was Ben Folds, for me, although he loves that Ben Folds quite a lot. We saw him at the House of Blues and after scoring stools in the balcony decided that yes, we are old now. And that is okay. But stools are much better for concerts. We no longer want to stand for hours in a crowd of sweaty drunk people. Stools are GREAT.

Drew started guitar lessons this month. He melted me on the drive to his first class by saying, “This is the first step in becoming who I want to be.” And then grinning at me, laughing, teasing, and saying, “Will you put that on your blog?” I said, “No, that one might be good enough for Twitter, though.” He has learned chords for several songs: Smoke on the Water, Happy Birthday, Stray Cat Strut. He named is guitar Bessie, after my iPod.

Our patience is tested daily with Mckenna. She struggles and we all struggle with her. It seems like in May, her behavior has kind of regressed. Or at least hit a point that we haven’t been in for a long time. She is extremely unpredictable when out in public, almost as much or more as a baby or toddler. She can’t stand to sit at the kitchen table and eat dinner with us, the noise we all make is too much for her. She puts her head down or screams unintelligibly in her frustration. She fights literally everything we say. In that respect she is a typical fourteen year old girl, I guess. But I can’t talk to her. I can’t listen to her. I don’t understand so I can’t help. I feel like she is pulling away from life, and I am scared, and I am not sure how to wake her up again and get her freed a little bit from the limits and compulsions of her own brain. I hope that Summer will bring some relief. An ease of schedules, and some time alone for her, less stress.

We spent time with our Uncle Mike, my parents, and Shane & Rachel one weekend. The boys played board games with their Uncle and we cooked bacon cheeseburgers on the grill. It is a wonderful thing to me that they are experiencing all that Uncle Mike has to give in the same way that I did. He taught me how to play games, he shared music with me, he took me places like Disneyland and Grateful Dead concerts and Stanford. He keyed in on the things we had in common. I love that they get to do the same kinds of things with him. For them, it is all about games and strategy and teaching them how. They were also able to experience the iPad for the first time because of him. They were obsessing over Google Earth and Plants VS Zombies. It might not be Jerry Garcia, but still.

Anna asked me one night to snuggle her, but I was dog tired and sandy from a beach shoot, so I asked if we could do it in the morning instead. That instead of me cuddling her, she could come to my bed when I woke up and cuddle me. She loved the idea and snuffled her way into the crook of my neck at 7:30 the next morning. We dozed for a little bit, definitely snuggled, and spent two hours whispering while Jeff snored next to us. She told me that she was so glad she didn’t have to sleep with Daddy every night, because he was so loud. I told her that I was used to it, and that I almost couldn’t sleep without it.

Nathan had “gold rush day” at school, and he got to dress up like a ranch hand. He wore a cowboy hat and a flannel shirt and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him all day. The look suited him so well, it was quite a surprise! That gold hair flipping out from the cowboy hat. Sigh. He is such a soft hearted little boy, quiet and watchful, he keeps everything very close to his chest. I love to surprise him with something I say just to watch his face light up. He is also sarcastic and sharp witted, and I have to keep myself from squelching that natural tendency of his, and instead teach him to use it for good. His teeth are falling out left and right. He told me, “Mom, I HATE my mouth right now.” He can hardly eat with all the loose teeth. But he just made $10 off the tooth fairy, so that should help. (The tooth fairy only had $10’s and $20’s. Score one for the kids.)

We hiked.

We played in parks.

We watched TV marathons all piled in the big bed.

We worked, cooked, got up early, got up late, opened bags of chips, toasted bread, baked cookies, shared cookies with neighbors, brushed our teeth, fought, made up, read, played video games, loved, took baths, swam for hours in the pool, cried on the phone, got mad at someone, got hurt at someone, went to the grocery store, went to Target, went to the mall, went to the post office, went out to lunch, had babysitters, felt our hearts burst, got the mail, got off the bus, sliced tomatoes, laughed so hard our faces hurt, lost a tooth, ate a lot of guacamole, kissed, plucked eyebrows, sent emails, got emails, took pictures, went to school, ate popsicles, rode bikes, fell down, needed band aids,  listened to music, drove on the freeway, waited in traffic, danced, got drive-thru, took vitamins, put our feet up, cleaned a closet, put gas in the car, played games on the iPhone in bed, watched the finale of LOST, helped with homework, made a diorama, painted waves on cardboard, wanted to go on vacation, wanted to throw up our hands, got lunch with friends, paid for parking, broke our ice machine, bought an ice cream machine, did laundry, stepped around messes, and lived.

It isn’t easy. But I’m glad I’m here.

xo

Tara

PS: As always, if you joined in, please feel free to leave a link and/or comment.

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70 Comments

  1. What great shots of your family! I love these, and what a good friend to be able to give the gift of loving family photos! I must admit when I saw your twitter post that the May blog was up I got all excited and checked it out right away. I love this personal project of yours! I really enjoy seeing the connections within your family. Thank you for sharing.

  2. magical tara, just plain magical. Oh how I heart you and count on you to keep it real. If only the world had more of you. : )

    Off to step over my own kid’s messes, pour her some cereal for dinner (mom of the year) and smell her dirty little sun screened neck while I hold my husbands hand. Oh how grand life is. : )

  3. Tara, you did it again. I swear, tears well up in my eyes almost everytime I read your blog. The tears come and my heart starts to swell as I read about the joy you find in the simple and normal things of life. I absolutely treasure my own family and somehow you capture in your images and words what we all truly feel. Thank you for being just plain you and inspiring me to do the same.

  4. The pictures are beautiful. I love your bandaid, and all your faces are perfect, and I love your stripey sweater. Check my stripey hoodie this month. Neat.

    Parenting is always push-pull, isn’t it? Never calm waters. You are a wonderful momma.

  5. Every month, your way with words amazes me. And every month I am thankful that you are so REAL. I am so glad you are doing this project. I feel like I know your crazy beautiful family. I love this.

  6. jeff’s smell. his green hoodie. your favotire one. brings me to tears. happy/sad tears at the same time. happy that you have jeff. and sad that i do not have james. i miss the way he smelled.

    mckenna looks SO much like you in that first big shot. she is beautiful. and so are you.

    i want to say so much. but my words seem pale. inadequate. that’s part of the reasoni haven’t been on FB much. or blogging as much. the words i say, which used to be such a powerful tool to me, seem to be losing their meaning.

  7. Such beautiful words and memories – you will treasure these! I will definitely have to do this at some point…you, always inspiring! I have loved your work since I started my business just three years ago – love your take on LIFE. Enjoy your weekend!

  8. Thank you for sharing these little bits of you life every month, your family seems like pure magic. Keep doing what you are doing you, you sound like an amazing mother,wife and friend!

  9. I love your monthly family pic idea! Dear hubby is finally getting into the habit of the family photos too. It really is pretty easy to hand the camera over to someone else – you just have to ask :)

    Here are our pics:

    #1) http://kellylynncreations.typepad.com/kelly_lynn_creations/2010/05/family-pic-may.html?cid=6a00d83451896f69e2013480b79c55970c

    #2) http://kellylynncreations.typepad.com/kelly_lynn_creations/2010/05/family-pic-may-2.html

    On to June!

  10. Oh how you continue to inspire me! My (current) 33 year old self whishes I’d write more, for me and my 43 yr old self. Love Love LOVE the “list.” It’s perfect. Your letter is real without complaining/whiny sounding. It’s hopeful and genuine and transparent and life. Very Well done friend!

  11. lovely post – touching and real. the words put together with the photo tell the most amazing story – your story – and i feel priviledged to get a glimpse. there is joy even in the challenges and i admire your ability to appreciate all the raw beauty in your life. one thing we know for sure is that “this too shall pass” which goes for the good as well as the bad. as you know these posts are pure golden magic and you’ll be so glad you did them.

  12. I CANNOT wait to see what bonnie capture of your beautiful little family!! She is one of my top faves and she just captures people as who they are (like you do also)….love that.

    tara

  13. So, I’m reading this post. And concentrating on it, and Joey Ryan’s “Take a Walk With Me” comes on shuffle in my itunes. And, I, started, crying. Happy tears. I’m just so damn HAPPY, because I just LOVE reading about the dynamics of other families, their differences from mine, their similarities, what makes the Whitney family the Whitney family. For many people it is really hard to appreciate what we have in our spouses, in our children, and I’m happy because you GET it. Thanks for sharing!

  14. I love the pix of your family. I love how quiet McKenna looks in the top photo. I love how everyone’s personality shines thru and I love the love. :)
    I just have love, lots of it.

  15. I have three younger (but close in age) brothers and parents that are still together after thirty+ years. Every time I read about your month and all the craziness it entails, it brings back a rush of memories from my one childhood and makes me wistful and happy to think back on them. Now that we are all grown, it is such a treat to get together and talk about the past… some memories make us emotional, some have us roar with laughter and all leave us feeling a little bit closer. I can’t wait for your future selves to look back on this time and savor these memories.

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