It is really so very interesting, watching your child become a person.
All of mine are either in the middle of, or soon entering, the phase of “tweendom”. With all of the good and bad that goes along with it. Some afternoons are straight up ABC after school special around here. They come home and unload on me about what was going on at school that day and I am just in shock that I am now the one that is being looked to for advice and they think I have the answers. Like elementary and middle school wasn’t complete TORTURE for me, and I have the keys they need for smooth sailing and total popularity. Thus far, they have managed to stay out of trouble, but some of the things they are dealing with in their circle of friends are seriously adult issues and it is scary and sad and hard to watch them as they learn to maneuver through the realities and complexities of real life. The first heartbreak. The first fight with a friend. The first time someone disappoints them. The first time they experience peer pressure. Just knowing all of this teenage angst is swirling so close around us is a very odd feeling.
This is where I am now. I am no longer changing diapers. I am navigating the halls of 1st grade, 4th grade, and middle school, like Jiminy Cricket on their shoulders.
You get to this place and you can either fight it, or let them grow up. You can get so hung up on who they were, that you don’t get to learn about who they are now. I want to know my children. I want to help them grow and experiment, without losing the core essence of what it means to be a child. I feel the sadness about the old days, and I see the dangers they face today.
But there is another side. A beautiful side.
And the beauty of it is that they are blossoming. They are becoming. They are fun to talk to, to learn about. They remember our inside jokes, and use them appropriately. It always surprises me when they say something smart and clever and it makes me laugh. Catches me off guard and I remember, “Oh, that’s right. They are humans now.” With their own sense of humor. Real people.
Jeff and I are beginning to see the evolution of who they started out as, and what they are growing into.
One who has really been on my radar lately is Nathan. He is 10, and in the tween “teeth falling out limbs too long for my body not little not big” stage. The one where you just don’t know where you belong. I love this stage as a parent. It is so endearing to me. I remember being 10 like yesterday, and living through that awkwardness everyday. I hated it. I was bad at it. I couldn’t wait to be 16. Knowing exactly how hard it can be, I have just been keeping an extra little eyeball on him.
The other day I was photographing him, and I saw this little peek of who he was as a toddler. This little spark of mischief, of innocence, of NATHAN. And I realized, he isn’t all that different. There are changes and personality shifts, but mostly what I saw was just HIM. The core of him. He was honestly such a hard toddler to discipline, so stubborn and soooo naughty. He almost put me over the edge. But his spirit was so sweet, quiet, gentle, and strong. He was delightful and goodhearted and children gravitated to him.
Last week, I saw that same exact thing emanating out of him.
(Nathan, in scanned film images from 2000-2002. Age 1-2)
(digital images from canon 10d. Age 3)
(Age 4)
Something like this, this sweet spirit of his, is the something you never want to change. Losing something like this as your child grows is devastating. And as he has shifted and grown, it has shifted and grown. He is no longer naughty and challenging. He is mellow and stubborn. He is more quiet and likes to check things out before he jumps in with both feet. He has changed, but this is all still in there. (Age 10)
And I hope with everything in my heart that he is able to continue to move through his life with this type of countenance, this type of being, even through all of the other changes.
My golden boy.
xo
Tara
How beautiful Tara! Everything you said touches home to me, because I have a 5 year old I feel the same way about. Thank you for sharing.
And what an absolutely handsome little-big boy you have!! :)
Wow, what lovely images and words…..and what a gorgeous little man you have. Mine is 5 and I realize that he is growing up so quickly.
thank you for sharing this!
(i found you via Danielle/kitschy digitals twitter)
: )
A
These are beautiful. He has soul.
He is gorgeous to die for. I love his hair :)
Oh Lordy, I wish you lived in Seattle. He and Taylor could be betrothed and you’d be my daughter’s mom-in-law :) Our photo wall is coming along, a bit of tweaking and a new chair coming next week. I’ll take pictures for you.
Oh sure, make me sob like a baby right as I’m getting ready to go work! LOL! I have two little boys; one just turned six and the other will be four in a few months. Just looking at your photos make me realize just how fast time goes by and that before I know it my sweet little boys will be like little men and then full grown men…all on their own. Sigh…Hold on to each precious moment, they’re all so fleeting. And thank God for each and every day with your sweet children…what a blessing!! Thanks so much for sharing, it made my night!
My daughter, Cheyenne, is turning 11 next month. I know how you feel. Some times I look at her and wonder where the years went and how we got here. I love this age, it’s beautiful.
I love the freckles across Nate Dog’s nose. Chey has them too.
I was on the verge of tears reading this. Although my children are still young – preschooler and toddler, I often reflect on what they were, who they were. I don’t want them to get bigger and have to face the challenges of middle school – being a middle school teacher you really have an insight of what they will face when they get there. It goes way too fast. I am going to try to embrace what you said
“You get to this place and you can either fight it, or let them grow up. You can get so hung up on who they were, that you don’t get to learn about who they are now. I want to know my children.”
Thank you again.
I absolutely loved what you said about getting hung up on who they were and not getting to know who they are now…it is so true. Nate Dog is one handsome fella!
I found myself going back to the photo of him in the sweater over and over. What a gorgeous photo and child. It looked like a photo and child you’d see in a magazine. Precious.
I loved the part about wanting to know your children as they are, instead of being sad for losing who they used to be. Wow, that’s insightful.
Gosh, I could feel the “whoa factor” when you said you’re no longer changing diapers but navigating the tween life of fights and breakups and confusion. You’re watching real human beings GROW! That’s crazy amazing.
PS: Nate has GORGEOUS EYES.
this post moved me so much. thanks for sharing, t. :)
This post made me cry. I just tucked in my 2 year (and 2 months) old. I sat on the floor by his bed and watched him fall asleep. He took my hand and put it on his face. When he was a baby that was the only thing that would soothe him if he was upset in the car. It made me realize how much he’s grown. I’m excited to see what kind of 10 year old he’ll be. And my heart is breaking knowing that I’m only going to see 2 years and 2 months once and it will be over in a flash.
Nate is gorgeous. I love the way you capture his personality.
In Waldorf schools, we refer to this stage as the Nine-Year Change. It is that pivotal time in all of our live’s when we see that we belong in the world, and have a rich inner life. It is certainly bittersweet. Despite the rumbling of such a significant shift, it is also referred to as “The Golden Age of Childhood.” Indeed it is. Love, love, love the look back at your boy…
oh tara. your writing paired with your photos always blow me away. you remind of the big picture and what’s important. to soak them up and to nurture them as much as possible. thank you. xx
Lovely. Handsome. You’re blessed.
You just put into words all that I’ve been feeling watching my little ones grow up; almost 9, almost 7, and just turned two. I’m tired of feeling sadness and loss as they grow, as if who they are is disappearing. . . this is a reminder to me to remember that the spark that made them who they were when they were little is still in there, I just have to remember to see it, remember it, but still love them as they grow and change into young adults. Thank you Tara for sharing this. . .
what a handsome guy! i can’t believe how long his hair is! what you said was EXACTLY what jeff and i have been talking about. we’ve been hung up on who they were and really they aren’t that different they just have opinions. :) we don’t want to miss who they are becoming. BTW jenna is becoming a woman. (at 9) hahaha! she has boobs! we bought her a bra tonight and i want to barf but instead i will embrace it and wait around for her to start her period….EEEEWWWWWWW!!! love you!
Golden…just Golden! A true gem of a post that brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat…and I thought, for a moment, I was writing it:) Thank you for sharing!
I can’t tell you what a touching post this is/was for me :) I have two young ones (2 and 6) that are the most amazing spirited boys … I love them with every ounce of me. And I often wonder how I’m going to deal with them as they get older. I loved reading this and seeing how you’re working through this evolution. As always, thanks for sharing :)
What a great post. So beautiful to read.
Tara, you write so beautifully. You’ve put into words exactly what i feel every day…and my little guy is just One.
It’s the boys, I tell ya. They grab a momma’s heart and just don’t let go. Never saw it coming.
its great seeing the intersection of life and photography, and just how important photography is. Beautiful, and I love the two age-3 shots :-)
Tara – I wrote a post about my 10 yo boy growing up too fast today, too (I found yours after I wrote mine). Your post really gets me in the gut, because you described perfectly how I have been feeling about my own guy today.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
I want to write like you when I grow up. Even though I am older than you.
I teach this age group for a reason. There is something about boys that just makes one smile no matter what they do. Most of the time it’s hard to keep a straight, serious, teacher-like face when all you want to laugh and give them a hug. I love the pictures. you have a fabulously beautiful family.
I’m so totally with you on all this. It’s like I woke up one day and realised I’m not the mother of little kids any more. Mine are nearly 16, 14, 10 and 9 and I’ve entered a whole other era as a mother. We all went out for dinner last night and it was such a different experience to when we used to do it with the kids when they were “little”. I’m actually starting to feel sad about how little time there is left with all of them together before they start going off into the world and becoming their own person with separate lives. I look back at photos from when they were young and sweet and cute- and I see that hint of who they are today hidden in their smiles, in their eyes. But they really are becoming different people- they grow up and they grow into themselves. It’s certainly a challenging time as a parent. Bittersweet. Lovely post Tara- thanks for sharing. AND OH what a cutie little Nate was.
oh my what a great post! love what you wrote, and love the pictures….just love this whole thing!
Oh Tara, I loved this post and can totally relate. My son is almost ten. Sometimes I don’t recognize him and it makes me sad. I can see how teenagers can easily become strangers. Because no one tells you about how often you have to re-learn about them. The process can be painful but so magical too, when you get to see glimpses of their grown up selves.
The photos are lovely… he does still have the same sweet eyes. Thank you for sharing this.
i love this post tara. the girls are 10 and i know exactly what you are talking about. watching them grow and struggle with peer/friend issues, catching a glimpse of that baby or toddler personality in them all the while seeing the ‘real person’ they are becoming. i so can relate to this post. thanks for sharing!
ohmygoodness, this made me a puddly mess this morning. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely…
My son is almost 25, married and a dad. He has recently moved home with his family and is staying with me til they are settled. Those moments when I see glimpses of my*little boy* sneak thru are so precious!! He seems so grown up and responsible and then…..there it is and it makes me smile! I know he is still him.
Your son and words are beautiful!! LOVE!!!
What a great post. I loved reading this today. Thank you!
I love this post! What a loving tribute to your son.
I can so relate! We really need to get Carson and Nate together. They sound similar in many ways.
Oh Tara (sigh) your post was beautiful. I still have one in the diaper stages. My kids are 8,6,3 and 7 weeks. I only have one boy(he’s the 3 year old) and he is that little boy you just described. Thanks for giving me hope that he will (hopefully) not be this stubborn forever! ;) Beautiful photos of your sweet boy!
Such a loving post. You are such a great mom – I’m sure they love you with all their hearts!
Great writing Tara. Love the throw back photos. So cute.
I’m crying. I have a 10 year old son too (and two others, 8 and 5). I totally connect with everything you wrote. Are you going to write a book? I would read it!
Thank you for being open. For seeing life and capturing it fearlessly–and interpreting it in a way that is so real and raw tha it opens us all up.
You are just ridiculously talented….first I was in awe of your scrapbooking talent, then came your photography talent and as I continue to read your blog, I am in awe of your writing….seriously amazing!!
Tara,
Nate is such a beautiful boy>
I love this post. Savannah is 10 also,
and it’s a hard age to be. These photos of him
are FABULOUS! Love this heart-felt post! tara
This post fascinated me! Who will my little 3 year old Miles grow to be? Your boy is as sweet as can be.
Beautiful post Tara. Nate reminds me of my 10-year-old, Noah. Wish I’d had an SLR when he (and his sister) were young, rather then a p&s and no idea of composition (painful to look at my p&s stuff, ugh! ;-)). Thanks for posting this, will watch my 10-year-old son for signs of HIM. :-)
Wow! The shift from 4 to 10 is amazing. He is the spitting image of you now. You can see yourself right under his skin.
Beautiful, all of it: words, boy, photos, sentiment. Thank you for putting into words what so many try to capture.
beautiful. and now i will go smother my toddlers with kisses. why does time have to move so fast?
Oh, this totally made me cry the ugly cry. My oldest just turned 9, and I know exactly what you are talking about. I love that we can look at each other and laugh inside about something, but, boy, those 4 year old faces seem like yesterday. Your Nathan (I got one too!) was and IS a beautiful boy.
you give me hope. I have a naughty and challenging one… he’s 4. I cant even imagine a day when that is not our norm, but I live in hope. – thanks!