It is really so very interesting, watching your child become a person.
All of mine are either in the middle of, or soon entering, the phase of “tweendom”. With all of the good and bad that goes along with it. Some afternoons are straight up ABC after school special around here. They come home and unload on me about what was going on at school that day and I am just in shock that I am now the one that is being looked to for advice and they think I have the answers. Like elementary and middle school wasn’t complete TORTURE for me, and I have the keys they need for smooth sailing and total popularity. Thus far, they have managed to stay out of trouble, but some of the things they are dealing with in their circle of friends are seriously adult issues and it is scary and sad and hard to watch them as they learn to maneuver through the realities and complexities of real life. The first heartbreak. The first fight with a friend. The first time someone disappoints them. The first time they experience peer pressure. Just knowing all of this teenage angst is swirling so close around us is a very odd feeling.
This is where I am now. I am no longer changing diapers. I am navigating the halls of 1st grade, 4th grade, and middle school, like Jiminy Cricket on their shoulders.
You get to this place and you can either fight it, or let them grow up. You can get so hung up on who they were, that you don’t get to learn about who they are now. I want to know my children. I want to help them grow and experiment, without losing the core essence of what it means to be a child. I feel the sadness about the old days, and I see the dangers they face today.
But there is another side. A beautiful side.
And the beauty of it is that they are blossoming. They are becoming. They are fun to talk to, to learn about. They remember our inside jokes, and use them appropriately. It always surprises me when they say something smart and clever and it makes me laugh. Catches me off guard and I remember, “Oh, that’s right. They are humans now.” With their own sense of humor. Real people.
Jeff and I are beginning to see the evolution of who they started out as, and what they are growing into.
One who has really been on my radar lately is Nathan. He is 10, and in the tween “teeth falling out limbs too long for my body not little not big” stage. The one where you just don’t know where you belong. I love this stage as a parent. It is so endearing to me. I remember being 10 like yesterday, and living through that awkwardness everyday. I hated it. I was bad at it. I couldn’t wait to be 16. Knowing exactly how hard it can be, I have just been keeping an extra little eyeball on him.
The other day I was photographing him, and I saw this little peek of who he was as a toddler. This little spark of mischief, of innocence, of NATHAN. And I realized, he isn’t all that different. There are changes and personality shifts, but mostly what I saw was just HIM. The core of him. He was honestly such a hard toddler to discipline, so stubborn and soooo naughty. He almost put me over the edge. But his spirit was so sweet, quiet, gentle, and strong. He was delightful and goodhearted and children gravitated to him.
Last week, I saw that same exact thing emanating out of him.
(Nathan, in scanned film images from 2000-2002. Age 1-2)
(digital images from canon 10d. Age 3)
(Age 4)
Something like this, this sweet spirit of his, is the something you never want to change. Losing something like this as your child grows is devastating. And as he has shifted and grown, it has shifted and grown. He is no longer naughty and challenging. He is mellow and stubborn. He is more quiet and likes to check things out before he jumps in with both feet. He has changed, but this is all still in there. (Age 10)
And I hope with everything in my heart that he is able to continue to move through his life with this type of countenance, this type of being, even through all of the other changes.
My golden boy.
xo
Tara
Seriously Tara…are you trying to kill us all with those pictures and words? It’s all too much to take…I can’t stand watching my kids grow up and leave my safe cocoon that I created and enter the world without me(middle school). Reading your words and looking at Nate’s cute little boy face kills me too and he’s not even my kid!!! Who’s idea was this??? Why must they leave our sides and leave our backyards and want to ride around the block on their scooters without us…Why aren’t we allowed to go beat up a kid that is bullying ours…Why must they dress themselves in oddly mismatched dirty clothes…Why must our hearts hurt and why must ir go by so fast. Whew… I’m gonna need some chocolate today. LOL kelle
Ah, the pains of growing older (both us, and our kids). While none of my kids have even started school yet, I’m looking forward to awkward phases (aren’t we all awkward anyway?), the popularity contests (and we know in the end they don’t matter), and all the joys that come with growing up (although our kids call them “pains”). Life is beautiful, and I’m glad you’re there to experience it with your kids with your whole heart. That makes me happy :)
Perfectly said. I have a ten year old son too and the last few months the ride has been turbulent on my side of the plane as I’ve come to realize that he is not the little boy I have been holding onto. If you are a reader there’s a wonderful chapter in a book called Raising Cain. It’s devoted to mothers of sons. Anyway, I’m just grieving the saying goodbye to his little boyhood…
So beautifully written Tara. You often articulate the thoughts and words all of us mom’s are feeling and thinking.
Wow here in the middle of diaperland tweendom sounds a bit scarey! Looks like you got it figured out! Well written!
Cathy was right… I should have grabbed a tissue first. What beautiful sentiments you’ve captured, Tara. <3
What an amazing post Tara – the pics & words, & the sweet boy too! My girls are 21 & 25, and I still glimpse that toddler in both of them! It never leaves – yay! We had to wade through a lot to get to this point – but everyone does… Then they become best friends with you!
Song “beautiful Boy” by John Lennon strums through my Head…..pictures make me ache.
What a beautiful tribute Tara
OMG this post made me SO excited for the future : )
What a freaking sweet post. Made me tear up a little, I don’t mind telling you.
Sweet words, Tara. It’s the last day of spring break here – last day of my 4 big kids being around and being together. It is bittersweet – they are great, fun people, but not my babies any more. My oldest is getting ready to go off to college in a few months – I can’t believe childhood is really over.
Oh holy wow. I came over here from I Heart Faces, and this post caught me TOTALLY off guard. I have a 10 year old son, too. He is my only, born 4 months before I turned 40 and after hubby had already turned 50. Which means… (ta dum) that hubby is now 60, I will be 50 this year, and I just hope to make it through the next 10 years with at least some of my hair intact. A wisp would be nice. And yet… I feel just what you do, about the jokes and the being a human now. About wanting to let go and yet not wanting to lose certain things. And just loving that boy with all my heart. Yours is such a handsome young man; all my best wishes for his path to be as smooth as possible…
So, so sweet. I feel it, too. Sometimes my heart hurts and sometimes it swells. It’s all part of parenthood.
what a beautiful, beautiful boy he is. i have loved watching him grow from afar – i can only imagine how full your heart must be! i can remember a photo you posted of nate YEARS ago where he was holding up and looking thru a picture frame – and that was when i KNEW i wanted to be a photographer and try my hand at making magic like you do! last fall, i swiped your idea and snapped my little jack with a picture frame – some of my favorite personal images to date! THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER for all the inspiration you provide, both personally and professionally. {and nate – you are one lucky dude to have such an amazing momma!}
ah. just beautiful. him & your words. makes me anxious for my 4 kids to grow older. in a good way.
Hi Tara,
Lovely post – how nice to see those oldies but goodies :) I’ve been stalking, I mean following, your blog for a while now and also saw you’re judging for I Heart Faces this week. Ooh, the pressure! Thank you for all that you give back through your work and your words (sigh).
hi tara- oh, i hear you… in the midst of the tween time frightens me and makes me excited at the same time… my makenna is seeming near grown, but still i hope to hold onto that little child. your image of nate at 4 with the sand strewn on his face is just beautiful… my littlest is 4 now and wow, you make me realize to hold on tight today! what a lovely post you did for your guy… xo, liz
Okay, that’s it, you totally made me cry.
Your children are all beautiful. I love reading your description of parenting — isn’t it wonderful to watch them become who they are — then realize it is the same as who they were? My daughter is 20, my son 17 and I am so proud every time someone tells me that they like who my kids are. I tried to hold to the philosophy you described in your post. Not mold them into who I wanted them to be but help them be the best of who they have been since they were born — because they are really cool — as cool as they always have been.
Thanks and Happy Monday. P.
beautiful entry in so many ways. and nate has GORGEOUS eyes! thanks for sharing your parenting experiences – helps to see a bit of what i have to look forward to as my girls grow. and i totally hear you on getting hung up on who they were but needing to see the beauty in who they are now.
Could not get halfway through without crying. Beautiful post.
I read this post at the perfect moment. Thank you. Lots of tears. But thank you.
Well I am just sitting here with tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful post and beautiful photos. I look at my little boy often and cannot believe how fast he is growing. He’s almost 16 months old and I am excited for who he is now but at the same time miss the newborn days so much. You have inspired me to keep taking pictures, thank you. The ones we have of our babies growing are priceless.
this post is amazing! the way you write and explain your thoughts…wow. these kids are lucky to have you as their mom for more than documenting through beautiful photos
so beautiful. thanks bringing nate into the world and sharing him with all of us.
What gorgeous eyes he has!
My children are not little, they are pushing 30, and I can say that they have both grown into very cool guys that I really enjoy knowing. Watching them grow into honorable and interesting people is one of the best experiences in life — and you are right that many parents cling so tightly to the early years that they miss the later rewards.
And yet, the things you noticed about them the first time you held them — the subtle differences in personality from the very beginning — are still there too.
Tara, thank you so much! This post made me cry. You summed up in beautiful short-and-sweet words how I have been feeling about my children for a few years now. What a wonderful perspective. I so appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us. We really are a small world, with everyone going through something or another every day. It is nice to know sometimes. I really needed this. Have a great day!
–BB
Natureboy is such a cutie.
Oh Tara. I needed this right now. Our Jeromy will be 11 in one week and the changes I see, the life we are about to enter into with him, scares the crap out of me. I’ve been reading on how to deal. How to be ok with him pulling away. I miss him already and if I’m not careful he will feel me trying to keep him something he is not anymore. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Truly. EMBRACE with open arms what will come. One loving moment at a time.
you have such a beautiful family! i love coming and peaking into your life. thanks for sharing your passion.
i love this. absolutely brought tears to my eyes. beautiful words, beautiful pictures. thanks for sharing.
Beautifully said… I don’t even have children and that made me tear up.
so beautifully said. i’m so lucky to have stumbled across these gorgeous images and these sweet and thoughtful words. and now i know exactly what i have to look forward to.