last thursday i fell asleep in nathan’s bed while snuggling and tucking him in. jeff woke me up at 1am to bring me to bed. in those few steps from the boys room to mine, i could feel something coming. i am pretty in tune to my body and since i get colds often i have memorized the signs in order to do everything i can to stop it from going full force. but i ignored the signs and hoped that a good nights sleep would kick whatever it was in the butt.
it didnt.
i will spare you the gory details, but i must let it be known to one and all that i just suffered through one of the worst bouts of the flu i can remember. and i did it alone. well, being alone might have been easier. i was alone, with four kids. jeff left saturday to go skiing in mammoth with his dad and some friends from work. and there was no way i was going to let him miss out – i am tough – i can handle this i said.
and i did. for two very long days in bed i handled it. with some help from shane and rachel, i handled it. i watched something like 12 movies and handled it. the kids had a field day without jeff or i looking over their shoulders, can we say all video games all the time? for the entire weekend? drew, nate, and anna catered to me as best as they could, bringing me ice and water and medicine and keeping an eye on mckenna.
until sunday night.
that was when i kind of lost it. i began having an asthma attack at 5pm. over the next two hours, i depleted my inhaler. i have had asthma since i was a child, but have only once before, when pregnant with drew, experienced the sensation and fear of an attack. if you dont have asthma, it is similar to what i would imagine a brick would feel like sitting on your chest, with a large man standing on top of it to keep it there. and while you are dealing with that, your actual breaths get shallower and shallower to the point where you could become DRAMATIC or HYSTERICAL if you dont stay calm. i called the pharmacy to get a refill, and found it was closed. this was when hysteria began to set in. in a panic, i called the dr’s office and begged the operator to call my dr and have him call in a new prescription to the 24 hour pharmacy. he did. surprisingly fast. i didnt want to bother anyone, so i knew i had to go get the medicine by myself. i centered myself as best as i could and dragged my disgusting sorry ass out of bed in my crusty sweats and unbrushed hair.
it was dark, cold, and the pharmacy was not in the best part of town. the kids were in pajamas, because why would they get dressed when they werent going anywhere with a sick mom? i was about to die, literally. it was all i could do to hold myself together. mckenna did everything she could possibly do in the store to make me want to kill her, including pulling down her pants, touching the belt of the man behind us in line (and trying hundreds of times to get away with it again), knocking several thousands of things off the shelves, kicking me as i spoke to the pharmacist, and the one she likes to play at parties: screaming “dont hurt meeeeee!” anytime i touched her arm or hand to try and regain control.
there was no control.
she did make it out alive.
and so did i.
but barely.
that night i hardly slept, tossing and turning, just biding time until i could make it in to see the dr the next morning. i did not want to go to urgent care or the emergency room, although looking back i really should have. i knew that it was just a matter of hours before i could get the kids off to school and get in to see the dr.
i dont remember the details of waking up and getting the kids ready. i only remember that i did it while trying very hard not to freak out.
by the time 9am rolled around, when the office opened, i was desperate again. desperate and doing everything not to cry. crying would only make things worse. i got an appt at 9:45. i showed up at 9:40. there were four other people in the waiting room.
over the next hour and 15 minutes, i sat there, waiting to breathe, watching as people who walked in for urgent care AFTER me got seen BEFORE me. the girls at the desk knew why i was there. i avoid confrontation. i avoid attention. i avoided them until i was about to scream. when i finally got up the courage to ask i said “it appears that people without an appointment (walk ins) are getting seen before me.” i was told “ohh yea, your dr is really behind this morning.” to which i thought, “um, ok, then why the hell did i make an appointment? SHOULD I WALK OUT AND WALK BACK IN SO I CAN GET SOME HELP?”
but i said nothing, i sat back down and waited. for 30 more minutes. i am so glad i didnt become the patient who dies while waiting for health care. look at me, always looking on the bright side.
i finally got called back by the nurse. i got a shot, i got four prescriptions, and i got an apology from my dr.
but i didnt start breathing normally again until just about now. tuesday night. thank you prednisone.
its been a rough few days. but jeff comes home tonight, and olivia came today, (my superwoman housekeeper extraordinaire) so my house is clean, my laundry is done. my kids are happy. and i am on the mend.
oh goodness gracious…how terrible! So glad to hear you’re feeling better. I can’t even imagine what a weekend this was for you!
tara….so scary! I’m glad you are now on the mend….that had to be incredibly frightening to go through…….keeping an extra inhaler on hand now?
I read this eyes wide open, like a suspense novel. What was going to happen next?? Way to hang in there and so glad you are on the mend. I know many a wife who would have insisted their husbands stay home. Jeff should feel very loved and blessed. But don’t ever forget you do deserve the best care because you are you and every you deserves the best.
Poor Tara!! Take care of yourself! It took me three weeks to get over that flu… the worst I’ve had in 5 years, AND my kids are older now AND my husband was off work the entire time. Take it EASY, even when you think you’re better!
Ok, I know that the majority of this wasn’t supposed to make me laugh like an insane hyena, but the scene in the drugstore actually made me snort Coke out of my nose. My little autie girl does the *same damn thing*, screaming “OUCH!! STOP HURTING ME!!!”. Naturally, people turn to stare at the wicked bitch who is abusing her special needs daughter in the Target at the Spectrum. Yes, the busy one.
Good times. :) I’m glad you’re feeling better.
i’m glad you made it through. sorry to hear you were feeling so bad.
smiles
ria
wow, so glad you are feeling better! as i was reading this i started to have that panic feeling within me…see i have asthma too and i totally know what you were talking about! again, i’m happy to know that you are feeling well.
by the way i follow your blog but haven’t posted a comment in the past. love your photography!
Oh my goodness, Tara ! Glad to hear you’re feeling (and breathing) better! I would have raged out at the Doc! Good for you for being kind and patient :)
Oh dear! When I was a kid and had an asthma attack that wouldn’t respond to the inhaler, my nurse mom took me right to the ER and they’d yell “wheezer!” and I’d go in right away for a breathing treatment. Luckily that hasn’t happened in many many years. That’s awful they made you wait!!
Wow, why do those things ALWAYS happen when Dad’s out of town? I am so sorry you’ve been so sick and glad you’re on the mend.
Oh Tara! That is so awful! I wish there was more that I could say than I am so so SO glad you are feeling better… and able to breathe again! Take care, Miss T and may your good karma come around and bless you x 1000!
I’m glad you are okay and on the mend. But seriously TWO HOURS sitting in the doctor’s office saying nothing?? You would have been all up in their shit (rightfully so) if it was your child having an asthma attack. Why not do that for yourself?? Strap on a pair and stand up for yourself.
after reading this i made brownies and ate the whole pan just for you.
just kidding!
but if i could drop off a pan of brownies to you i would :-)
oh my word, you did so well! I have only had 1 flu in the last 20 years (last year) and it was such a shock. I woke up feeling like death, luckily for me the kids headed off to school on the school boat/bus, and hubby was only at work as that was it for the next three days, I couldn’t think straight, everything hurt, I was too hot and too cold, and could barely rasp out words. I am saying this to tell you I can’t believe you drove your self and kids for a prescription, and still had to get yourself to the Dr’s the next am! You must be incredibly staunch. Well done and I hope you demand the rest you need to fully recuperate!!
your house is CLEAN and you did the LAUNDRY!! You are sooooo SUPER WOMAN! Glad to hear you’re on the mend.
I saw the twitter from the dr’s office and at that moment I desperately tried to send happy, healthy vibes your way. I’m sorry about your weekend–so wish that I was closer and could have brought soup and a masseuse. But, hey–that means that this weekend will rock, if for no other reason than comparison, right? How’s that for bright-siding it.
I am so sorry you went through that. I know both the feeling of not being able to breathe (I have asthma – but usually with me – I cannot stop coughing – for months…) And I know the feeling of that waiting room – and watching people who came in after go before… why is that?
Glad you can breathe again. And I hope you are back to being your complete self soon!
Missed you and wondered where you went. I sent you an email too – I can only imagine the 5 million others in your in box.
Jodi
the only thing that could have made that worse is if you had a small baby that you were nursing…
I can not imagine being sick with four kids…all alone!
Take care!
Your post reminded me of the wisdom a friend posted on her blog recently, “Clarity through Contrast.
http://thesparklingmartins.blogspot.com/2009/03/learning-contrast.html
Hope you are feeling better soon Tara!!
I am proud of you for having the wherewithal to make it through a tough time! My mom lives with asthma and I remember too often as a child being frightened by her inability to breathe and the panic to get her the inhaler. And next time I say walk in, no appointment :) Glad you got the apology though!
KATI – i must fix that sentence. it was olivia who cleaned and did laundry. my superhousekeeper extraordinaire that i love like my own child.
DEENA – i know, i know – but i have seen many people make many scenes in public places. it never helps. yes, i could and should have reminded them why i was there. i will next time.
bless your heart!! (in my TEXAS accent) i feel much better after reading your story….had a bad case of vertigo/inner ear last week…very scary feeling.(also took prednisone along with 4 other meds) No complaints it does not touch your story! i hope that your recovery is consistent and fast. xoxo
holy crap. what a miserable few days. there is nothing worse than not being able to breathe. it is SO scary. you have some super-human power. i would have lost it. so wish i could have come and taken care of you (and the kids). just so you know…my kids LOVE your kids.
so glad you are feeling better.
OMGosh, you poor thing! I’m glad you are finally on the mend! I would have been calling my husband to come home right away. But I’m a big wimp. ;)
that sounds absolutely positively like it might have killed me. Just the trip to the store with the kids alone and sick…. and believe me, I’m that crazy lady at walmart with 4 kids, 2 carts, saying “yes, sir, they are all mine, and yes, I know how that happens… we planned it.”, BUT SICK as in I can’t breath having a panic attack from the lack of oxygen… you’re amazing. simply amazing.
So sorry about the sickness…I feel for you. I know you don’t know me, but I would have totally kid-sit for you because I know what it’s like to be miserable sick with kids around!
Tara!! You poor girl!!! Oh my gosh. I work in the emergency room in a rural hospital in Canada – and that is something I would have encouraged you to come IN and be treated for. That was urgent, my friend! I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better – and YES – prednisone ROCKS!
All I can think of is one big {{HUG}}!! You poor thing…I am so glad you are on the mend. We have all been there…it STINKS! I remember puking and trying to catch my children’s puke during 48 hours of hell when my husband was deployed. What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger!!! :) Glad you are on the mend…and that all kids are alive and well! :)
omg, tara. you poor thing! i am so soory but i am totally cracking up at mckenna! i can’t help it… trying hundreds of times to touch the man’s belt? and the ‘don’t hurt meeee!’?? omg!
and i feel so guilty the geo didn’t get to go on that trip…
Tara, my gosh, I was panicked just reading this post. I am very happy you are better. I went through a health scare years ago (was overlooked and misdiagnosed which almost ended in tragedy)….never again will I sit silent in a waiting room. It upsets me reading this happening to someone else. We are our own best advocates especially when it comes to health care. Never feel shy about making a fuss. Your life is more important than some receptionists’ feelings. KWIM?
T, sad to hear you’ve been so down… I saw your twitters on facebook about the doctor, and being sick and a single mom. I even had the urge to drive North one day, instead of South from San Clemente to drop by. Not sure what I would have done when I got there, plus you probably would have thought I was just some weird o… but you were in my thoughts. If I can help… I’m there! (maybe with my own kiddos too, but there) Glad you’re feeling better!
So sorry for your rough days, glad you’re on the mend and things are getting back to “normal.”
tara, my friend, that is awful. don’t have asthma but both my boys do and the panic of watching them not able to breathe gives me a tiny glimpse into your brick. i frickin love prednisone. and nebeulizers. and aero-chambers. and while i have discovered that they do absolutely nothing for me when i am freaking out, they calm my babies. like little asthma gods. omg. the pulling the pants down and the belt and the kids in pajamas in sketch-ville pharmacy. oh, honey. you are so taking some time for yourself when jeff gets home. hugs.
Oh you poor thing. It sounds like you had something similar to me. Goodness it took me more than 2 weeks to get over the crud. I don’t have a lot of trouble with my asthma, but when I do it’s terrible. I had a lot of asthma attacks with mine. I pray you feel better soon.
GOD! Woman! you’re scaring me! Thank goodness everything is okay and you’re getting better :) *hugs*
oh sweetie…seriously. What is there to say? Did she have to pull her pants down just then? Did the doctor not SEE THAT YOU WERE PRACTICALLY DYING? Oh, I want to reach in to my computer and give you a hug. So happy you are feeling better.
Oh I know what it is to have a asthma attack it is awful. I so hope you feel better again. Big hug from me to you to make you feel a little bit better anyway.
Stay calm, relax as much as you can
Alette
lots of love from me … missing you.
Oh sweet tara! I am so sorry to hear you had such a rough couple of days! I hope you feel better!!!
Girl…I am feeling for you. Reading your post I was starting to find it hard to breathe! I can’t imagine running a household and caring for four kids by myself…heck, I’m not good with my two and a cold! ;-) Glad to hear that you’re on the mend…Hope you’re feeling 100% soon!!
Oh, how awful! Asthma attacks are absolutely one of the most scary things. I am so sorry. So glad to hear you are on the mend. :)
Ughhh, that sounds awful! I’m so glad you are feeling better!
I often think that if I knew what each day was going to bring, and I mean specifically those ridiculously tough days that never end, I wouldn’t have the strength to get out of bed. Isn’t it amazing what we can handle as moms? I am sorry that you had to deal with this- but maybe you can get some satisfaction from being a superhero.
Oh my goodness girl!
So sorry you had to go through that.
Glad to hear that you are on the mend!
I love the feeling of a clean house and laundry done…
Glad you don’t have to worry about that once you are 100% :)
Welcome home Jeff! :)
Hugs to you sweetie!!!
Maybe it’s a good thing that we all don’t live closer….as I know we’d all be there for you….and it would be a crazy house:)
SO glad that you are feeling better.
tara, that’s hoRRIBLE>
you should have called someone to take you in right AWAY!
get better.
tara
Oh my gosh sorry to hear you’ve had such a bad time. Hope you are feeling better now! big hug and take care :-) eef
Tara I am so very sorry!! Asthma on top of the flu sounds terrifying. We just had the worst stomach flu we have ever had rip through our house. Took my kids a week to recover.
I got that flu this weekend!!!! It was horrible… but I don’t have 4 kids to look after… Glad you made it through and are beginning to feel better :)
Tara: I’m so sorry you’ve been so sick. I hope today is a much better day.