im not going to ask any questions! i am just so happy to have some new images of me that i actually LIKE.
note from tara: gaining weight sucks, and i have been for two years-steadily going up in numbers. its frustrating because some of it is out of my control. (medication that plops on a quick 30 as soon as you start taking it, and makes it hard to lose) but ive also got bad habits that are hard to break.
ive tried off an on (not very hard) over the last year or so to lose some of it, but it always seems like too much to bear(bare?)…being hungry and worrying about my diet is too much to take on. or im working really hard on other personal things, so it takes the backseat. but somehow along the way i picked up a pretty good self image. jeff always makes me feel amazing no matter what, and so do my friends. and i am not strong enough to argue so i let myself believe them. i want to believe them. and i figure, well, if the people who have to look at me all the time think it, maybe i should too….for the most part, i dont think about what my body looks like as long as im feeling good and liking how my clothes are fitting.
that is, i dont think about it until i see a photo of me that smacks me in the face with reality, or see a passing reflection of my side view, or have to sit in an airplane seat….
ANYWAY-the point of all that is that i am kind of shy right now about being in photos, i want to save my sanity and not think about what i look like, but i let my guard down at the orchard with nichole and jefra and let them do whatever they wanted. and I AM SO HAPPY with what they both got. such different looks, but i love them both.
nichole got this one of me, wrapped in a thrift find blanket that i wanted to JUMP UP AND DOWN SCREAMING when i found. a sweet little old woman came walking up to me right when i put it in my cart and said “my oh my what a lucky find. do you mind if i take a look at that stitch?” which she did, while i was at the ready to snatch it from her hands if she got sneaky…after she counted the stitches on one of the bumps she said, “this quilt probably took over a year to make! you really DID get a find!”
this is such a different type of photo for me-usually i am so loud and laughing and all over the place-but i felt so serene and comfortable under nichole’s gaze that i just opened up and looked at her without thinking too much. (i ripped these off her blog so i wouldnt have to resize)
these next ones i think are my favorites though-this one especially makes me want to scream with happiness:
you will for sure be seeing that again somewhere on my site or…i dont know, my wallpaper? dont you just want to live in that little spot? right where im sitting? oh yes, you know it. i do!
and this is a shot of all of us hanging out while jefra took some pics of her daughter with her TTV contraption, and i shot margie while kelly watched.
so back to that TTV contraption. in essence, you use your SLR camera to shoot through the viewfinder of an older camera. you add cardboard tubing to the top to place your lens into, and shoot down into it. (for more info, just google TTV, lots of links will pop up.) ive had one for awhile-like two years? i asked someone i found on flickr to make me one, and i paid him for it. since then, ive gotten it out a few times, and have always meant to, for clients, but it just never happened. i think its safe to say that i will get it out now. look what jefra did.
and my favorite of the bunch, just because this is so me-head thrown back laughing at something i see with my camera…
oh, and here is a little shot where you can see the blanket in color…also by jefra. amazing right? its like a 3d polka dot blanket. can life get any better than this?!
it was SUCH fun collaborating and playing with other photographers-im so grateful to both of them for the evening we had, and the photos they have given me. i will cherish them, and my childrens children will cherish them someday when i am long gone.
makes me realize-it doesnt really matter how much i weigh, as long as i feel good and can find love for myself in your my own heart. i have people that love me. and that is what i cling to.
Oh my gosh! i still barely recognize you with long hair again…even thought I have seen you with it. :) You look so beautiful! These shots are so tremendously wonderful.
I absolutely love your complete honesty! I completely understand what you are saying. I go up and down all the time on my weight, right now it’s up. I also have a friend who can make me look good when I don’t feel so good.
I LOVE the B/W!! Actually, the first two are my favorites. I hope some day to get out there and meet you! You are crazy good!
Tara…
I completely and totally understand how you feel about weight gain. Since I had my daughter (12 years ago…so I really have no excuse here) I’ve gone up, down and back again with my weight. While I’m not back up to my heaviest weight, I’ve gained several pounds in the last couple of years that have depressed me. But my husband is like yours. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how sexy he thinks my body is. I think he’s certifiable, but I know from the look in his eyes when he tells me this that he is being honest and truthful, which makes me feel sexy as hell.
I think those shots of you came out so great! You’ve got unbelievably beautiful skin and I would KILL to have eyebrows like yours! Mine are so thin and invisible I have to fill them in to make them look normal! You look beautiful in all those pictures, but the one in black and white is my favorite. Just stunning.
I know what you mean.. and I feel ya.. but hey your family adores you and i think you look great. You are a kick in the pants and I’ve only met you once. Keep on keepin’ on girly. You Rock!!
i think you’re gorgeous!! and that blanket is to.die.for. (& it sounds like the little old lady almost did!) :)
Amen sister! Amen!!! And I love the blanket too.
i totally can sympathize with your thoughts here. :-) I told my husband that we just need to get a family photo taken, b/c we’re never going to look “perfect” the way we want to look… and what is “perfect” anyway? We are a happy family, and we need photos with us in them so our children will know we existed! :-) You look beautiful! And i adore that shirt! Can you share where you got it? And that second photo of you shooting in the orchard.. just wow. *WOW* What an incredible location! I also love that blanket.. and want to learn that stitch! Thanks for sharing these, Tara!
T, you’re one of the most beautiful women that I know — Inside and Out. Beautiful, peaceful, serene photos of you.
i agree and love your honesty! these pictures are amazing and it’s fun to see some pictures…finally…of the talented miss tara!
Tara what a sweet and heartfelt post. While I don’t really know you I feel like I have gotten to know a piece of you by reading your blog and you are such a wonderfull person and provide so much inspiration. That is a wonderful picture of you and you look beautiful. BTW I totally identify with seeing a picture of yourself and saying is that really me?? I think it happens to all of us.
You are BEAUTIFUL and so are these photos. You’re right – you and your family will absolutely cherish these. That first one is just perfect, and they are ALL super cool.
I can totally relate to the weight gain/medication deal. Paxil and Lexapro really packed it on for me, and I’m still trying to find something that won’t have that effect. Yep, it sucks.
Great post Tara!! I totally relate to what you are saying about the weight and the i-dont-wanna-be-in-photos thing. Nothing like a sluggish thyroid to make the weight get on and stay on. Frustrating. Very, very frustrating. The photos of you are BEAUTIFUL and I absolutely LOVE your attitude. Just might have to steal some of the sass for myself. :-) peace and blessings….
Tara, 40 is, in fact, the end.
But i love you so much all the same. We’ll have a good time ’til you get there.
Then it will suck ass from that point forward.
LOVE YOU.
c
WOW!!!WOW!!!WOW!!! Such an amazing place…such gorgeous pics of you (you are beautiful tara…truely!!!) and I am loving what you can do with the TTV. I LOVE all the images of you…ALL of them. That blanket soooooooooooooooooooo rocks…OMG!!!!
tara, coming out of lurkdome status to give you the biggest (((((cyberhug))))) as you so gracefully found your zone with …. YOU. i am so impressed by your amazing gifts of art, and your incredible ability to see such beauty in so many – and so much – on so many levels. i am sorry that your self perception has been tattered in the past, but i hope that you continue on the road that you’ve expressed here.
you ARE beauitful.
you ARE fabulous.
and
you ARE a true gift to those that love you. and those that admire you from a distance.
and i have never even had the chance to meet you – yet. ;)
those photos of you are stunning, and really something to share and show off. i hope you frame those, and hang them right along with the ones that you deem worthy of framing. my favorites are the first one, the b&w with the blanket wrapped around you, and the one in the passage through on the field taking the shot of the couple. gorgeous, and perfectly captured the essence of YOU.
utah gave you so much …. it shows. :)
Your last statement on that post was so beautiful. I was just admiring your “sense of self” that was coming through those pictures of you, when I read that. I need to work on that!
these are stunning, love them and all and you look breathtaking. you look so serene in the blanket which i LOVe by the way.
have a wonderful weekend!
you ARE beautiful!!!!
just Love every single one of these!
so cool!
:)
R
Tara,
I read your blog all the time but today I feel the need to leave a comment. I too am shy in front of the camera because often how I view my body image in my head is vastly different from the reality. In my head I am at least 30 pounds lighter. LOL I too believe if I feel healthy in heart and body my size is moot. Thin is boring to me, curves are really where it is at Sistah! Thank you Tara I have developed a passion for photography and hope after a multitude of hours of practice I may get gorgeous pictures like yours. And by the way, all the pictures of you are stunning, your friends did a wonderful job.
Have a spectacular day!
Kymn
I totally agree with you on the weight thing ! As long as you feel good… I have to say you look gorgeous in that wow amazing blancket !!! Love to see you in action ! I have a duaflex i take ttv photo with and i think it’s so cool !!! Thanks for sharing !
i luv them!! You are very beautiful! I also understand the weight thing. I have been battling it for years. I finally got a small hold on it in the last couple of months. It is a daily struggle….but I know that I deserve to be healthy! I lost my father at the age of 7 and he was over-weight and did not take care of himself….this has always made me angry. Sooo…I decided that my kiddos did not need to worry about this along with everything else in life so we have made it a family effort to be healthier. I joined weight watchers and hit the gym. I feel so much better emotionally and physically! I have so far 17 lbs. and my goal from the start was to lose 55. This is challenging but it will and is paying off. anyways, just wanted to share!! Be blessed and by the way I have always been envious of your hair!!!!!!!
you’re beautiful. these images are amazing. what a location – geez! and your lumpy bumpy granny afghan looks awesome!
Oh I can totally understand the not wanting to be in a photo cause of the overweight thing. Been there done that. That’s why I’m always behind the camera. That’s why I’m never in the photos taken by my daughter. That’s why I cherish my wedding pics, cause of being beautiful and slim back then.
But you know what Tara, you really are a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile and so much energy. You really rock. And I so enjoyed your blog today, with all the beautiful photos. Thanks for sharing.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful weekend
Alette
Dude I loves these shots of you!!! Awesome!
I have always thought you rock your clothes. You radiate colour, beauty and funk. You have style. I hadn’t really thought about size/weight but the style is hard to beat. LOVE these new images and I can totally see why you would too… So will we see one of these in your OPAM photo wall?
ok tara, I have been reading/lurking on your site for over two years and today you made me tear up. Those last two lines carry so much meaning. they just speak to me so much. weight is something that i have dealt with the last couple of years and it is so freaking hard sometimes to deal with it. but you summed it up well and that is what i am clinging to also. big hugs!
Tara, your heart shines through in these photos…love them all, especially the ones by Jefra.
yup, know what you mean about photos of yourself. i’m dreading the ones of me. but these are FAN-TAS-TIC! you totally scored on the blanket too. :)
I LOVE the pictures! How awesome to have such great pictures…….your kids will treasure those when you are older. I love the picture of you taking pictures of your two friends in the orchard, it looks like a magical fairy land. What a cool shot of you at work! I rarely like pictures of myself so I can totally understand how excited you must feel right now!! :)
I fight the feelings everyday, and it sucks. I wish I could be as ok as you!
Awesome pix from your friends. The orchard is like a magic fairy land
that I would love to lose myself in, with blanket of course!
You looking amazing, don’t be so hard on yourself. Your pictures are gorgeous and I just love the ones using that thing!
I so needed this today, thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and insight.
You are beautiful inside and out. Love the pictures.
I really appreciate this post. I am glad you have such a great self-image. You deserve it because you are amazing and so many people look up to you. And thank you for saying nice things to me when I met you and was complaining about my own “heftiness”. It’s hard…no one can deny it. But, in the words of Imogen Heap, “there’s beauty in the breakdown.” :)
I love this post. It is completely real and raw, which is what life is. Life isn’t about looking perfect or weighing 104 pounds, although that would be nice! :) Life is about experiences and enjoying yourself and other people, thanks for reminding me! You are beautful and look FABULOUS in your photos! I think with life what we look like is so much more important to us than it is to anyone else, I find that I may even be a little more comfortable with people who aren’t classified as 10’s! Thanks, You Rock!
okay, i just fell more in love with you.
Love these photos!
I saw your parents over at the Pixel2Canvas blog in the running for canvas of the month!:)
Tara — so many of your words would be my words. I don’t know why I am this size, but it is what I am. my husband thinks I am beautiful and sexy and wonderful — so I have decide to let him be right. your grandchildren will love who you are, who you were, and that gorgeous smile of yours.
Have a lovely weekend,
Jen
You are so beautiful. Inside and out. It shows in these pictures.
Oh tara you are always beautiful inside and out and those pictures captured your spirit perfectly. heather
tara you are so beautiful, inside and out. thanks for always sharing with us what is in your heart.
rach
I feel your pain on the weight thing, believe me – especially the part about seeing yourself in a photo and being shocked (my bathroom mirror must be kind or something). And I salute you for letting the photos happen in spite of that feeling. (Also they are beautiful.)
My daughter (who is five) says that that is a really cool blanket! and I must agree. :)
You are so beautiful. You have no reason to hide, you are simply beautiful. Have a great weekend with your family. Thanks for sharing the photos!!
hi tara, i usually just lurk too but wanted to comment today on your beautiful post. the photos are of course gorgeous, my fave is that second one – just out of this world amazing. second fave is the last one. love the look on your face, it completely agrees with your third to last sentence. perfectly. and i would have peed my pants if i found a blanket like that at the thrift store this afternoon. so jealous of that amazing find! have a great weekend. :)
tara…..you are BEAUTIFUL! don’t ever forget it! and when you’re feeling down about it…….listen/watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6mZ_9HPz34
*smile*
Tara,
Love the pictures. Especially the one of you in the chair. You have a beauty that radiates from within. It lights up your face and makes people smile. That is something that not many people are blesses with. Your friends and hubby obviously see it. You should too. As for your photographs…what can I say…you inspire me.
I loved all the photos, and I especially love the behind the scenes! What a beautiful place, and it certainly looked like you all had a lovely day. And that’s all that matters, in the end. :)
Hey Tara!
You look amazing. Your hair is rockin’. And that shirt…girl, I love that shirt…Anthropologie?
You are beautiful so believe it! Gorgeous shots! What a cool trick with the TTV!! The orchard is TDF!
These are all wonderful shots and you look BEAUTIFUL!!! I’m totally loving that orchard…wow, what a spot!