but yea, for sure thats not happening.

the wind kind of got knocked out of my sails towards the end of this month. not just for my project, but in a lot of areas. a friend and i were both saying that for some reason right now ev er y litt le ti ny thing feels inc red ibly inc re dibly hard. i have suffered from migraines for ten years off and on. this month i felt like my brain was in a pressure cooker-this fuzzy tight feeling that makes me feel cranky. any sudden move and i get a head rush-the kind that would sometimes make my vision black out in rhythm with the pounding. my dr didnt seem completely concerned, but she did refer me to a neurologist. i think in black and white like this it sounds a bit freakier than it is. what it is for me is really pretty painful for a girl with a high pain threshold and just a tenth of a gazillion bamillion times inconvenient.

so, there’s that.

then, mckenna and drew went and ‘graduated’ fifth grade on me. their next step is into middle school for 6th grade. i didnt think it would affect me as much as it did. even now thinking about it so i can write this out makes my throat clench up and my face get hot. my oldest. entering a completely new chapter in their life. as far as public education, i am almost halfway to the home plate with those two. and that FREAKS ME THE FREAK OUT! how did i stoop down to pick his bottle off the ground and stand up to see him nine years older and talking about wearing deodorant? he is like five seconds from backing my car out of the driveway and tooling off on his own. and mckenna, leaving a school and a home and a place she was safe and so very, very loved. leaving two women (her amazing teacher and aide) who are incredible and strong and have been there for me through many a teary or frustrated or celebratory phone call. i didnt know how to say good-bye so in the end i just didnt. i cant yet say goodbye either to my perception of them-i cant visualize them in this new place. it just cant be happening. its just all too hard to handle. time is passing way too fast.

SO many people say this all of the time, and yet, we are all surprised when we too go through it. surprised and struggling to get through it.

then of course just the typical adjustments of time and space and schedule and personality that have to happen when suddenly the house never gets a break from the six of us. “when summer attacks.” all in all i think we have done an okay job, but now its time to move past phase one (acclimation) and into phase two (action!). time to get on the meal plan, sign the kids up for some fun stuff, and hang out with dear friends.

and since the only way this month could end was with none other than a last little sucker punch to the gut: just this weekend mckenna squirted about a tablespoon of super-glu onto the display of my iMac. possibly, you could learn from the misfortune of jeffs mistake, and instead of smugly and pompously asking me, “well why did you leave super-glu on your table?”, collapse into an empathic and sincere fit of despair and sob for two hours with me while listening to willie nelson-he was a friend of mine. saddest thing in the whir ULD. jeff was not harmed, but i cannot tell you how close he came.

so back to thee, opam. i shan’t forget thee, and would ask your excellence most humbly for a small extension…say seven days?

a typical chat goes something like this:

me: yindi, say TARRRRA (teaching her to say it like her mum: TAR-UH) when in all other realities i am tare-uh

yindi: (pushing buttons) KSFLKHFLKDH()Y*#$()&#

me: yindi! say TAAAAAAARA

yindi: dadadadada (while trying to eat me off her mummas computer screen)

me: where did tara go? (hiding off camera)

yindi: NAAAAAAAAA naaaaaaaaaaaaa (how she says my name! (like naw naw) )

me: here i am!

yindi: smiles and giggles

attack of killer cuteness

i absolutely love my computer screen completely filled with her round little moonpie face.

we started out on the beach on a cloudy quiet morning.

i LOVED their colorful outfits. that green is my favorite color ever. i cant remember what we were laughing about here, but i also love their natural expressions.

after we dragged them from the beach we walked around, hitting up the donut shop for a snack, the fish market, my favorite alley, and ending with a short walk along the beachfront.

they were a lot of fun and kept up their happy sweet family dynamic the whole time we were together. thanks for the nice morning guys.

so today i am fighting a sinus infection and trying to deal with the heat that is taking over my life. its far too hot and i am far too whiney about it. so ill just stop right now before you get sick of me. but, its freaking HOT here and i hate it.

bonnie berry, a photographer in austin, tx hired me to photograph herself with her two striking boys while in california visiting family and friends.

bonnie and i hit it off really well. i was so impressed with how she took her “photographer’s hat” off with grace and trust and allowed me to lead the way. i loved every minute. we strapped the boys carseats into my car and drove off to find some spots to use in my old stomping ground, downtown riverside. battling direct sun and a sticky heat at 11am in the morning. but we made it work! (a quick chocolate shake treat helped perk us all up sometime in the middle!)

i cant tell you how many times i have broken/sprained my pinky toes.

or how many times i have tripped over something invisible in public.

embarassed myself in front of huge crowds.

or stepped off of curbs/stairs just at the right angle to tweak my ankle.

there was even a family i babysat for in high school, who eventually bought me my own special plastic cup to use at their house, because no joke-every time i sat for them, one of their glasses would go slipping from my butterfingers and crash onto the tile floor. even if i tried not to USE one, if i did the dishes or cleaned up? CRASH ONTO THE TILE.

its a huge family joke that im this big ditz when it comes to paying attention to my body vs its surroundings. or at least it used to be, thankfully i have grown out of a LOT of this stuff. (jeff would definitely disagree)

and guess who inherited this from me?

drew.

my poor, gangly, long-lean-spidermonkey-limbed child. who just doesnt know where his body ends and where the pavement begins.

this kid, who is SO thoughtful and responsible about his family and what we need done around here, cannot be trusted to hold a drink in the car, to carry food on a plate from point A to point B, or do anything at all in the kitchen. it is a guarantee that anything messy, sloshy, sticky, or wet will get on his clothes or the floor.

and while i managed to go through my life without any major injuries (never broke a bone and only got stitches once. but that wasnt my fault, a fly ball came out of the sky and beaned me in the face in third grade. my bottom teeth went through my lip. i remember people saying WAAAAAAAATCH OUUUUUUUUUUUT and i looked right up into the sky to see what they were talking about. so actually, maybe it was my dumb fault after all!) drews laundry list of accidents is sure to skyrocket past mine soon.

take, for example, his most recent “oopsydaisy”.

on a friday night a week or so ago, we had friends out (matt and lisa and seamus and finn) and got pizzas to take to the pool. so we packed up the car and hauled ourselves down there. our pool is not far from our house, but we like to pack everything up in a car and take it all down. plus, who are we kidding? tara doesnt like to walk anymore than she has to. the move from house to pool was pure comedy, we couldnt have written a better sitcom script, with several kids running off ahead and one of the adults RUNNING after, trailing pool toys and towels. all of us yelling at each other “ive got mckenna!” “ive got finn!” etc etc, and i think jeff or i hollering at one of the kids who just WOULD NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. we finally get out the door with me holding a drink in my hand and a towel over one arm, trying to back out of the driveway, and putting said drink down on the floor to crank the wheel with both hands, when said drink spilled all over my feet and jeffs newly detailed car. yes. newly detailed.  i also managed to drive over my neighbors brand new “baby grass” at the corner of his lawn, and leave a huge clue whodunnit. our muddy tiremarks all down the street. (he forgave me)

we get down to the pool, there wasnt a parking spot. so i stop to let everyone out. suddenly, there are cars that come out of nowhere, one behind me waiting patiently, one trying to go the other way but cant because our doors are open and mckenna is freaking out about not having her red innertube. jeff is trying to herd the kids and the people and the stuff to the gate at the pool and i say “dont worry about the pizzas-ill grab them!”

i pull away, let the traffic pass and find a spot across the street. i sigh a sigh of relief. finally, we can relax. the kids can play. we can talk and share some pizza and beers. awesome.

i grab the pizzas and walk across the street to the pool, open the gate, and see everyone staring into the pool at drew. “whats wrong?” i ask. jeff tells me drew chipped his tooth. drew sees me and starts bawling. lisa tells me he dove in and came up with a chipped tooth. i still have four large hot pizzas in my arms.

i tell drew to get out, i put the pizzas down, and i survey the damage.

its bad, a really really bad chip in his front adult tooth. but thankfully, he doesnt seem to be in more pain than you would imagine after bashing your face into the bottom of the pool. he is tender, but there is no nerve damage to the tooth. also thankfully, THANKFULLY, nothing worse happened than a chipped tooth. it could have been a LOT worse. he is upset, and scared about what this means of course. i do my best to calm him down, explaining what i think will happen at the dentist, giving him as much information as possible to soothe his fears, and to get his mind back on the fun evening we have planned.

but its sore, and he is upset, and starving. he hadnt eaten dinner and now with the tooth and his sore mouth, pizza was impossible. i promise him a huge chocolate shake when we leave, and he resumes his play. WITHOUT ANYMORE DIVING. FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.

after probably an hour of drama, we all finally settle down and the rest of the night goes fabulously. the kids play, we eat and drink, and talk.

here is the damage.

an emergency dental visit the next morning, tears on his paper bib, a veneer for his front tooth, and an $850 dental bill. finding that out sucked pretty bad. our dentist, who i HIGHLY RECOMMEND (this coming from a person who has great fears of the dentist) was so sensitive and wonderful with him, and gave him lots of numbing gel and he truly did not even feel his shot. he explained every single move he made and i wanted to cry watching how careful he was with my child.

today we had to go back to get his permanent veneer put on, and once again drew was a trooper. it is our first day of summer, so the whole gang came along, and nathan sat by his side and held his hand and made me want to squeeze him until his eyeballs popped out.

and when we left, they gave us cupcakes. im telling you, WHAT KIND OF FREAKING COOL DENTIST GIVES YOU CUPCAKES WHEN YOU LEAVE?

jeff’s dad, jamie, in the mushpot

the kids started begging to be taken to the water just as we were ready to get down to the business of being lazy in the shade and enjoying the company and the breeze…

girlie cousins & getting walked to the water by uncle jason

the rest of us got our things together and headed down to the water after them.

jamie surfed a bit while some kids braved the water (that is drew and another cousin waving)

and my niece kailey learned how to boogie board with her daddy…

while my other niece sammie looked absolutely eat-able in her new bathing suit…

and anna ran about finding shells and white rocks for us to take home…

and nathan got really bummed that the water was so cold.

until dad saved the day and took him for a walk to find more crabs. he also got some snuggles from miss mckenna.

grandma deb made sand hands and feet complete with a mani/pedi for anna…

and where was i? well i was behind the camera the whole day and didnt even think to come out in front of it until we were packing up and i remembered the cool shot i got with my side of the family on mothers day.

and then i figured while i was on that kick, i may as well take a few more…

and a brand new favorite of all time…

i love my husband. **even though we just got in a heated discussion about the benefits or lack thereof of buying organic. (he thinks its a scam, i think HE’S A DAMN SCAM.)** i love him with all of myself. i love the father of my children. i love the best friend ive ever had. i love my cruise director, my advocate, my nanny/chef/maid/masseuse/life coach/shrink/sugar daddy. he is all of these things, and yet, he could be anyone else in the world and i would find him and make him mine.

and so, a few days late, i thank him. thank you love.

and also, a few days late, i thank his father for leaving him the legacy of how to be the man he is. thank you jamie.

and while my dad is not pictured here (because we spent the day with him last year) i thank him too. for teaching me about what kind of man i deserved. thank you tony.

and really, he is almost there.

almost there babe. everything in that video was so you. just, except for that bit with the manly fighting. that bit you could work on.

if you feel so inclined, check them out.

my listings

crazy day. posting more tomorrow!

t

our family has a constant struggle with what to eat come dinner-time. with a dad who gets home at 6:30 or 7pm when he isnt working from home, a mom who is exhausted by 4:30pm, (who am i kidding i’m exhausted by noon), and four kids with distinctly different and varying picky-ness levels, AND about 25 food choices in our immediate neighborhood, our easy answer most times is TAKE-OUT! or DRIVE-THRU!

and i know we are not alone in our plight.

because i see all of “you” at the pick-up and drive-thru line too.

for the last few years we have struggled to change this pattern and have had long phases where we eat at home but those phases have been slowly phasing out and we have been too weak, oblivious, or lazy to stop it. or all of the above.

but there is a change brewing in me and i can feel it. i have never felt this way before. usually i just do it because i know i should-not because i want to. but now, i have the greatest desire to gather my family around our little white table and serve them meals we have planned, shopped for, and cooked. together. with summer coming, it means a lot is coming OFF of our plates. so i am going to focus that extra time towards this, so some yummy things go ONTO our plates.

my goal is to plan simply. cook simply. and eat simply.

wednesday night i sat everyone down at the table and talked to them about the changes i wanted to make. i told them that the way we are eating now is so sad to me. that they arent experiencing the amazing food our world has to offer. that they are choosing to limit themselves to chicken nuggets and french fries and carrots and strawberries and they SHOULD NOT BE OKAY WITH leaving it at that. i told them that they were old enough now, even anna, to open themselves up and to stop being afraid of food that looks different and smells different. and we talked about the things i loved to eat-they asked me what my favorites were and what i would like to cook. and i asked them what theirs were, and what they would like to cook. and we made up a sketchy plan that i am going to solidify on my own.

i also made sure that they knew the table was going to be a safe place for them. if something we tried made them want to recoil in horror, it was okay. the point is going to be placed on working together, and trying new things together. if the food is a failure, a bowl of cereal and a banana is an easy option. they will have to take care of it themselves, but it is an option.

and the last thing we talked about is how our meals dont always have to be super delicious-thus the simple coming out-the flavors and options when eating out are limitless and broad. they need to start expecting less on a daily basis (something i need to keep telling myself too) and learn that eating out is for sometimes. its an exception, not a rule.

what it boils down to is this-

we will together make a list of what sounds good to eat that week, or that day (however it best works for us)
we will choose what meals we want to be in charge of
we will go to the store together, each with our own lists, and help each other buy what we need
when its time to cook, i will be in the kitchen with the kid in charge and the other kids will set the table and then clear out of our way
whoever doesnt cook helps clear the table and the kitchen when dinner is over

and they were all for it. they were excited about it in fact. nathan wants to learn how to make his own orange chicken. anna wants to bbq. and drew wants to learn how i make spaghetti sauce. our dear mckenna will also be a part of this plan, but i will slot her into things she can handle because being near a stove is not a safe place for her. im thinking maybe she will be a great shopper and table setter. she loves having a job, so a job we will find for her. if she cant do the cooking or cutting she can mix and set up.

the other thing i do, and have been doing for a long time, is making healthy options easily accessible. i have bowls of cut up fruit and raw veggies in my fridge. whole fruit in bowls on the counter. healthy snacks on the top shelf of the pantry. before dinner or lunch, i like to cut a bunch up and prepare it as pictured. they come to the table and munch and chat with me while i finish making their meal. this is also a great thing to do when you have several pieces of fruit about to go bad. cut it all up and offer it up for a snack before it goes.

now, i think perhaps the reason they were so open to this is because without realizing it, jeff and i have been gearing up for a change like this. i can think of several instances on vacation in hawaii last december where jeff got them all to try something they had never tried before. or even broadening our dinner choices by getting chinese take-out instead of mexican again. and them finding things they liked there. i definitely give him the credit for pushing this before i hopped on board.  i tend to tune out tokyo until i am ready to go full fledged.

i also want to say that i would never have tried this five or six years ago. it does help that our children are growing up. anna will be six in january. the youngest. and she tends to want to follow along with what the boys are doing so that helps. it just makes me sad to think of what i didnt know when i became a mother. but i have to accept that i made the best decisions with the knowledge i had then. even though now, looking back, i would have done so many things differently.  but we are all just making it the best way we can. and i accept that too.

part two: how i started sending healthy lunches for the school kids.
part three: implementation
parts four-?: how its working out

he is sharla’s fourth child.

he is older now. i had to hide these photos until the announcements went out. but i bet he is just as super.

ive been wanting to break out of my own four walls of photo editing lately. ive been fiddling, playing, tweaking, and stumbling on new ideas for processing. i have also been loving nichole van’s actions. my favorites are “soft gold tint” and “fake tilt shilt” and what i used on these two with some of my own changes “tintype bw”. she also just put out a brand new set for those photo fixes we do over and over again. so handy.

and, because i have gotten several emails recently asking me to post about music again, today and for the last few days, ive been literally obsessed with this song. vandaveer goodness.