opam i have not forgotten thee

i so wish i could be posting right now, by the skin of my teeth, that i finished my june opam and tada here it is with just an hour to go until midnight.

but yea, for sure thats not happening.

the wind kind of got knocked out of my sails towards the end of this month. not just for my project, but in a lot of areas. a friend and i were both saying that for some reason right now ev er y litt le ti ny thing feels inc red ibly inc re dibly hard. i have suffered from migraines for ten years off and on. this month i felt like my brain was in a pressure cooker-this fuzzy tight feeling that makes me feel cranky. any sudden move and i get a head rush-the kind that would sometimes make my vision black out in rhythm with the pounding. my dr didnt seem completely concerned, but she did refer me to a neurologist. i think in black and white like this it sounds a bit freakier than it is. what it is for me is really pretty painful for a girl with a high pain threshold and just a tenth of a gazillion bamillion times inconvenient.

so, there’s that.

then, mckenna and drew went and ‘graduated’ fifth grade on me. their next step is into middle school for 6th grade. i didnt think it would affect me as much as it did. even now thinking about it so i can write this out makes my throat clench up and my face get hot. my oldest. entering a completely new chapter in their life. as far as public education, i am almost halfway to the home plate with those two. and that FREAKS ME THE FREAK OUT! how did i stoop down to pick his bottle off the ground and stand up to see him nine years older and talking about wearing deodorant? he is like five seconds from backing my car out of the driveway and tooling off on his own. and mckenna, leaving a school and a home and a place she was safe and so very, very loved. leaving two women (her amazing teacher and aide) who are incredible and strong and have been there for me through many a teary or frustrated or celebratory phone call. i didnt know how to say good-bye so in the end i just didnt. i cant yet say goodbye either to my perception of them-i cant visualize them in this new place. it just cant be happening. its just all too hard to handle. time is passing way too fast.

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SO many people say this all of the time, and yet, we are all surprised when we too go through it. surprised and struggling to get through it.

then of course just the typical adjustments of time and space and schedule and personality that have to happen when suddenly the house never gets a break from the six of us. “when summer attacks.” all in all i think we have done an okay job, but now its time to move past phase one (acclimation) and into phase two (action!). time to get on the meal plan, sign the kids up for some fun stuff, and hang out with dear friends.

and since the only way this month could end was with none other than a last little sucker punch to the gut: just this weekend mckenna squirted about a tablespoon of super-glu onto the display of my iMac. possibly, you could learn from the misfortune of jeffs mistake, and instead of smugly and pompously asking me, “well why did you leave super-glu on your table?”, collapse into an empathic and sincere fit of despair and sob for two hours with me while listening to willie nelson-he was a friend of mine. saddest thing in the whir ULD. jeff was not harmed, but i cannot tell you how close he came.

so back to thee, opam. i shan’t forget thee, and would ask your excellence most humbly for a small extension…say seven days?

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55 Comments

  1. We have a group of Mums, 3-4 kids each, youngest in school now, oldest just about to start high school (well year 8-9), and we all have all sorts of health issues for the first time ever! Anyway our theory is now we’re thru the toddler years our bod’s are falling to bits because finally they can… (and our brains are all fuzzy- it’s fuzzy mummy syndrome and it needs treating with lots of cafe time…). But I hope your migraines get better/fixed soon, that must be shattering…

    Your DH reads your blog! mine doesn’t (luckily!). It’s not the same as superglue, but there is a massive gecko here that is very attracted to my macbook pro and its big beautiful glowy 17″ screen. It sneaks across the ceiling about 9pm each night and pees or poops down on it! Now you would THINK I would remember to close it and watch out more often than I do wouldn’t you? Never mind, no permanent damage… yet…

  2. good golly, I feel your pain in every way. I use to go thru te headache thing and it s the worst. Mine was nerve related and had to get steroid injections in my head for almost a yr. Then that put me into menapause at a early age which was sad cause I wanted more kids. Now my oldest is off to college in a yr. where has time gone?? My baby is a pre-teen and we had to bra shop a few wks ago. Time keeps moving and its hard to keep up. And yeah, I cried today looking at the babies at church. Cried a few days ago cause I had a bday.

  3. Tara,

    You are an amazing person. I love seeing your pictures and how you capture family, love and togetherness. And, I too don’t understand how one minute your baby is crawling and trying to walk and the next thing you know they are off to middle school.

    Hang in there. From your blog, I can tell you are a strong person and can get through anything. So keep on keepin on! And thanks for all of the inspiration.

  4. Oh, Tara, we had an emotional fifth grade promotion ceremony here, too. In my case, it’s my youngest, and though we’ve now been through other, bigger promotions (high school graduation and college graduation)with his older brothers, this 5th grade promotion was bittersweet as it ended our 18th and final consecutive year with the elementary school. : – 0 My boys are all 5-1/2 years apart (6 years apart in school), so they were never in the same school together. As soon as one started 6th grade and middle school, the next one started kindergarten. Next year my middle son will graduate from high school, and *that* will be very emotional for me. But this final 5th grade promotion got me blinking to stop the tears when the 80-something 5th graders marched in to “Pomp and Circumstance.” May all our kids do well, be happy and be safe in middle school!

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